12.05.2006
I give a lot.
Most of the time.
I'm lazy.
I demand a lot.
Kind of.
I've learned that I don't demand as much as the next girl.
But I always expect to be treated the way I treat others.
Sometimes, it is definitely easier said than done.
It's not always the case that you get as much as you give.
Le suck.
Hm, well. That could be as close to a rant as I could possibly get. You know, I should mention that I used to love blogging. Maybe the love will return come with time. I used to love to document the life I thought was just fine, simple, nothing else I could have deserved nor have deserved to want to change. Because it was the life given to me. I guess a life given to you is capable of change under your own means, at least in the big picture. Sigh. I don't know why this is bothering me as much as it is. Nothing usually bothers me that much. I usually shake it off within the hour or so. I'm not the type to hold a grudge. In fact, it's one of the most difficult things for me to do is to hold a grudge and be angry to days at a time. For example, during the year or so my boyfriend and I have been together, we could not let the sun set and rise or vice-versa, in a succession, and have stayed angry at one another.
You'll probably tut-tut me and say that it'll happen all in due time. Perhaps it will. So far it hasn't and that's the point I'm trying to make. A year in a relationship with a person you haven't been apart with for more than two days and you practically see one another every day of that relationship, I'll tell you that it's very difficult indeed not to get angry at anything. Holy hell yes, you're probably saying. But the thing is... everything has such a finality when I look at it. It's like... a big blow out, and I try to reason why it happened and I assume a lot... then I come to the conclusion that this fight was because we are not compatible. It isn't going to work. This is going to happen again and keep happening over and over and over. And the reason why is because you don't love me or that you're bored or that you never were really interested in the first place or we're just
too different.
You must understand and give me a break a little bit. This is my first real relationship. And when I say real I mean REAL. To the point where you stop caring about how much blanket you're getting at night and freeze yourself to death just so you could make sure that the person sleeping soundly next to you would stay warm. To the point that you're looking into his sorry drunken eyes that probably don't even see you, and as he hurls into the metal bowl you got from the kitchen, you realize you don't want to care for anyone else as much as him.
Sometimes I envy the girlfriends that would do anything for their man. What I mean is in terms of getting up and getting them their beer, warming up their pizza or having dinner all prepared when they get home from work. Doing their laundry and sorting their socks, making sure their bills get paid in time and wash their car. I just can't do it. Sure, I'll help out and everything but I can't play housewife when I'm
not a housewife. I've gotten up at four in the morning to go over to his house and take care of him even when I didn't have to, then go to work at six. So I guess I don't have the right to be disappointed when he doesn't come over and see me to spend the night even when he's really tired from work? Just because I didn't have to do it for him? I'm so puzzled.
I think I'm over-analyzing it, certainly, and I guess I'm not making myself clear. It annoys me slightly that I have to tell him that it's important to me. That I absolutely
want him here with me. That it almost sounds like I'm begging. That since I spent a night over at his house the night before, I would expect he'd do the same. Ugh, I sound like need cheese with my whine and that's the last thing I want. But he said he was so tired. Can I still be disappointed over such a little thing? Or should I be understanding? I mean, it's just me but if he wanted me to come over and expressed the slightest of disappointment, I would have dragged my ass over there anyway despite feeling like a zombie. Because... I'm the kind that wants to please and please and please. Sometimes... I hate it. Because the disappointment that I feel when I'm not compensated for my eagerness to please is just achingly crappy. And I seriously don't have the right to feel that way, most of the time because I know that I bring it onto myself. I know I don't have to do certain things but I always unconsciously went by the saying that it's the thought that counts. Don't do anything nice for me because I want you to. Do it only when
you want to. And that's probably not often as my selfishness can be satisfied with. So I settle. Don't settle? Please. You can't ever go through life without settling on something. And if you think I'm wrong than you're seriously a fool. Ah, but you'll get over it. Just like me.
;it's something sophiscated.
8:53 PM
12.04.2006
It's been a while.
I've been busy.... aka lazy....
and that is my excuse. I need nothing else, ha.
Everything has been moving at a steady pace, but too fast for my liking. Perhaps for everyone else it's going just the way it should. Not for me. I wonder why. It saddens me that I can't grasp onto the time that has been given to me, and hold onto it, and cherish it as long as I want. There's nothing I've really wanted, though, that I haven't found or has been given to me. I found love and kept it, this year and part of last. It's been amazing. A whirlwind. A crazy dream. A fantastic roller coaster ride. An emotional road trip. Meh.
Still jobbing. Oh yes. The J word. Still. Procrastinating. Ugh. I know, I know!!!! If you haven't said it then I've never met you in my life, because seriously, it's as though everyone knows and whomever I meet can practically see the procrastination lingering off of me like summer heat off the pavement in the middle of July. I know it. I have only me to blame.
I've been amusing myself with some things... I have my own computer now. I used to... back in the early Toshiba laptop days before the hard-drive decided to go AWOL and leave me with nothing but a sorry shell with old milk stains from when Shanna's little brother's bowl of cheerios decided to mate with the keyboard. Ugh. So many memories I've typed into that Word document that was once in that hard-drive. TEH SADNESS. Good old highschool days were guaranteed to entertain and depress via Teenage angst from the many pages that accumulated in that "blog," if you will. It wasn't online, and thank the good LORD it wasn't! Pfft. And now you shall have to make do with this, this ultra censored, backwash copy of the rest of my life. Apologies! Feh!
And I was just doing laundry. Went to work today - wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Ultra "slow," or should I say slower than I'm used to? Which is usually fast? Make sense? Neh. So! I just turned 20. What do you think about that? I no longer can call myself a teenager. It saddens as well. BUT! Oh, drinkin times are -a- comin! Next year.... oh yes.
I think I shall leave this alone for now. Good luck kids. I'll blab soon enough.
;it's something sophiscated.
7:13 PM
