7.08.2005
it feels like i'm standing in a puddle all the time.
the rain isn't helping either, but i happen to like the rain. really.
don't believe me? ask the dishes!!
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
listen to: flavordisk's "moment too deadly"
here. I could listen to that shit all day if I was allowed to.
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
i'm highly confused right now. well sort of...at times i even forget to look both ways when crossing the street, and then i remember why we have to do that in the first place. and like a dumbass i was looking up at the sky today, and saw this little droplet falling from the sky, just this single droplet, and then before i realized what it was, it just plopped into my eyeball.
it's like i'm in a dreamstate i can't snap myself out of. all during work today i wasn't in myself. i wasn't myself. i woke up at around 1, almost 2 this morning and i couldn't sleep, i was so restless, but then i was tired enough that my eyes just fell shut on their own. who knows at what time i finally went to bed. there was just too much psycho analysis occurring in my brain at the moment, too much to comprehend and break down. only i could get me, and right now even i don't get me.
i'm going to speak in riddles here. bear with me of my metaphors. i'm nearing an edge so deep, i can't even see the bottom. my emotional cup is filled to the brim, overfilling and spilling, until i'm drowning in it. i feel as though i'm trapped inside a box that i've locked myself in, and i don't even want to escape. i've never been in this situation before. what do i do? nothing? run and hide and make sure i don't leave any loose ends? shiaaat.
i'm not bold enough at times, and too bold too many. i do things that i never finish. i initiate things way too many times and never follow through. i'm not quite sure if i'm meant to do any of this with someone. and like i've been told
so many times: I really need to get my priorities straight. and doing that i'll have to put what's on the top of my list to somewhere i can't even see it anymore. that scares the shit out of me.
i'm scared all the time. i may pretend to be so strong, so fearless, at the top of my game but in reality i'm just this very scared little girl. don't get me wrong, i have my tough spots but i'm just not into the whole independent scene you know? not just yet. perhaps i may need more time to grow up. uhh.
))()((i went to the park blocks yesterday in downtown {?} portland with torin, watched these vagrants fuck around with each other, basketball playas - it was mundanely entertaining, but hey i'm easily entertained. sometimes. lol.
i felt like there was something amiss. like there was something that needed to be done, to be said. but i was just tired. tired of having to feel like i needed to say anything, so i just kept my mouth shut. i always do, until i know it wasn't the time to bumfuck around. ha. bumfuck. oh god.
you know when sometimes you get this feeling about the person sitting next to you, that they're thinking about something similar to you but they won't say anything? i got that shiver down my spine, not quite as tantamount as spider sense but you get the idea. and what was i supposed to say? nothing. exactly. that way nothing will ever be done. right now i'm pretty happy at where i am. or am i? i don't know. i need to think about that for a while longer.
before that, he took me to the burnside skatepark, right underneath burnside bridge where supposedly the loons from jackass made an appearance, and i took pics. at one point i was so happy that i couldn't smile. it's the weirdest feeling, not being able to express how you feel. both verbally and physically.
it's the crappiest feeling in the world.
;it's something sophiscated.
4:09 PM
7.07.2005
blurb: "and when the tide dies down, i'll be covered in seaweed."
random huh.
hmm.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
listening to: eve 6
reading: wired magz stashed in my broham-in-law's office
mood: sore all over, and it's not because of that :P it's because i be an athlete, moron
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
there isn't a lot that's new. today's thursday and i'm off of work, like i was tuesday and wednesday. i get tuesday off again next week, ha, 'cuz i worked a double for aritha this past saturday. now i have to work a double tho, for kevin on saturday night - just trays tho, so i'm happy, i'll be able to get off at 6:30pm. yay-yer. like that's any better? an hour difference sure as fuck is. trust me.
i dunno if jet still wants me to create a logo for him. he has commented many a time that my work is "dark, [emo?], goth..." uh, okay. obviously he hasn't seen dark, emo, goth work just yet, 'cuz my ish is strawberry dumpling compared to some wrist-cutting action of some people. i just like dark colors - sometimes. they sometimes convey a deeper meaning to things that i couldn't pass with lighter, "easter" colors.
saw war of the worlds over the weekend with my sister mel and torin. it was pretty good, i was so surprised. tom cruise went down on the charts but hey, the movie was pretty interesting. the ending kinda sucked ass, could've been better, but most endings could always be better. you just can't win 'em all ;) i saw the big lebowski and rush hour 2 at tor's pad yesterday - i haven't watched that many movies in one day in so long - i can't believe it didn't feel like it was that much. huh. i could probably list a couple reasons why :) o well...
i think shan would be proud to know that i am trying to spread the masseuse love everywhere i am :) back rubs are the shit, but they take a lot out of me, that's why my arms are so sore...but that's what drugs are for. jeesuz. last night after gettin dropped off by tor, my stomach hurt so bad, i don't know what the fuck was wrong with it [i don't think it was torin's cooking of the pasta that did me in - i think i inhaled the food too fast after not eating in a while that day] and so my broham-in-law nursed me back to life with some pepto bismol shit which tastes like backwashed toothpaste water - GROSS. goddamn, but i drank it anyway. and i felt loads better afterwards. i just wonder what made my stomach feel like it got yanked out, driven over then put back in again. hm.
no word yet on this one woman i saw got ran over on beaverton-hillsdale on the 4th...man i'll forever remember how her body smashed against the windshield, hit the ground and rolled a couple yards and she was still twitching, looking up at the sky with these clear blue eyes of hers...that's how close i was, driving home from raleigh hills/work. i stopped at a red light and had to sit there and couldn't take my eyes away from it. yikes.
anywho i'll hit this up later. i feel ... i dunno, like i want some popcorn or something. huh.
;it's something sophiscated.
2:17 PM
7.05.2005
listening to: switchfoot's "learning to breathe"
reading: the calendar...ooh, tuesday...
feeling like: the opposite of throwing up, yeah-yer
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I feel a bit melancholy right now. I hate missing people...it's like this little tiny gap somewhere in your chest that you just can't fill, no figurative caulking can fix it. *sigh* But...doesn't really matter anyways, I'll see them sooner or later if I have anything to do about it :)
I woke up this morning and the first thing that I think of?
Oh come on. Guess.
*smile*
Shiiiit. What am I gonna do with myself. Why should I worry? Everything in life happens and we can't "unhappen" it. It's not like we really have that much control over what happens - they just happen. What the hell am I talking about. Good gravy. See what guys do to my head? It's getting worse to the point where I can't think straight anymore. It's such a cool feeling, but damn I sound like an idiot.
I just looked outside my window and there's a group of three balloons floating in the sky, going up higher and higher. Two red and one blue. I hope your 4th was as awesome as mine :D For me, if nothing happened for the 4th, even if I spent it at home watching random fireworks exploding outside my bedroom window as I lay on my bed reading, I still would've been happy. I just can't figure it out. Not a lot has to happen to me and I'd still be content with it. Or as I like saying, "I don't care what we do, as long as we do it together." So even if I did nothing at all, like watch paint dry in the dark, I would've been just peachy if I were sitting with someone I care about the whole time.
So, and so, and so, and so. I can't write right now. I really am at a loss for words, ha, how about that?
;it's something sophiscated.
1:29 PM
