7.14.2005
you're gonna listen to melike it or notright now...i can't feel the way i did beforedon't turn your back on mei won't be ignoredtime won't healthis damage anymoredon't turn your back on mei won't be ignoredi can't feel........ . .. . ... . .... ... ... . . . .. .... . . ... ... . . . ... ..listening 2: LP and Jay-Z CD Gonna have so much to do this weekend. Gah. Plus on top of that I have to work. Why am I complaining?? I'm not...I just ... want to feel like I have something to say. When I really don't. Sad isn't it? Indeed it is. And I also have to figure out if I'm supposed to attend this thing in Tacoma...in the very same week I have this big luau thing at work which is a very big deal because EVERY SERVER will be there to work till night. Good god... *sigh*
AND on top of that I have to worry about a friend going away, somewhere far where I can't follow. I won't tell him that I'm worried exactly...just the fact that I don't want him to leave when we're just beginning our friendship relationship and whatnot. And I like him, Jesus, he already knows that much - as in more than just friends "like" so you get the gist. But I'm going to tell him that more than anything, I want him to:
1) be happy
2) do WHATEVER he wants
3) just follow his heart. Corny huh? Yeah.
4) not even care what I think because in the end you gotta look out for
number 1, and that's himself.
It's hard for me to say things out of my heart. It's harder than squeezing toothpaste back into the tube - and last I heard, that's pretty damn hard to do. That's why I try not to get attached - they shit me one way or the other. Goddamn it. Excuse my French, but seriously though, why do people have to come and go? [I rhymed ha] Geez. Geez, geez, geez.
And now I feel sick to my stomach because ... I'm afraid of losing someone I've only just begun to care deeply about.
Fuck. That word pretty much summarizes it. "That's the way it goes," my sis says. WHY does it have to go that way? It always turns out ugly for me. What've I done to make God angry at me? ARGH. Oh well.
If that's the way it goes, then ... well, what can I do.
Notta.
;it's something sophiscated.
4:38 PM
7.12.2005
for some reason i like this weather....even if it is kinda chilly and dreary and grey outside, i really don't mind all that much.seriously.=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=maaah..my weekend was busy. gah. working too much, god i really hate that. i've been losing sleep, it hasn't been that great, holy cow... and that new kid gary is really pissing me off. helping him set out the juices for lunch, i almost blew up at him but then he looked down at me with shining eyes, shining panicked eyes and he said, "i'm sorry! i have dyslexia...it really screws up the little things that i have to do, and it's really hard to do this without your help!" all of a sudden i just slapped myself in the face. my impatience and anger just simmered away and i took a deep breath, put my hand on his arm and said, "all right man. let's do this. don't worry about it; i'll help you." gary [our boss gary] told me about the "new guy having reading problems" and now i just remembered. or more like i was reminded. jeez, sometimes i don't take the time to think things through. i felt so bad being so impatient with him; that's when the bad person inside of me shows through, haha.okay, so he might piss me off sometimes, but gary's pretty cool. at times. i mean he can buss really fast now - for some weird reason - and we joke around and shit like we're buddies all of a sudden and poke fun at each other, make stupid ass conversations... well, i'm not complaining...i can't hold grudges for that long. i wish i could sometimes; it'd come in handy when i have nothing to say. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=worked with rob yesterday along with gary. yes, rob still has this attitude like he dislikes me somewhat but won't admit it - but i know he doesn't mean to be mean....he just comes off like that for some reason. he was saying, "over the weekend i've been SO bored that i was actually thinking about calling you." i answered, "yeah, THANKS a lot! you'd only really think about calling me if there was no one else!"he just shook his head and chuckled. "see, that's why i didn't call you! i'm a true friend!""true friend my ass that never calls me!""it's only because you stopped calling me!" and so on and so forth. so he asks what i'm gonna do later on in the day and i give him shit like, "oh my god! my heart...YOU'RE actually asking ME to kick it...?!" and i do some fake drama convulsions from the shock of it all and he just really gets ticked off."see, THAT'S why i never call you! you do all that shit!""whatever! you never called me so i wouldn't be saying nothin!" yeah, you can say we're pretty good friends. ha. *deadpan*so he asks if i wanna kick it and i say yes 'cuz i have nothing else to do [lol] and i wait until he gets done cleaning the ice-cream machine - and THEN i go and try to find my keys and i can't find them, and i tell rob, "i can't find my keys."he's all, "are you serious??""yes." i was silently panicking. i was too tired to be freaking out out loud. haha."hmm..." and he walks off. true friend my ass is right.i watch him as he's cleaning the soft-serve and i'm like, "i bet you anything it was gary - our boss - because he said he's been meaning to hide my keys from me." and rob's just standing there nodding and shit. i keep going back to the place where i left them and could not find them - went up to the second floor to find them twice and asked around - even John the cook tried helping me find them - and then i went back to square a, in the kitchen. then suddenly i see a basket resting on top of the coffee machine and i had this weird feeling in my head. so i reach up for it and guess the fuck what.there's my keys.i go back out and show them to rob. "found 'em." i smirk. then he admits it was him all along with a couple chuckles and a grin. goddamnit."i hid them so you would stay and kick it with me," he says and i wanted to punch him right there and then. it was a good thing i didn't really freak out in front of him, gah! from now on i won't leave them out where just anybody could snatch them [like mr. true friend my ass]. i just hate that feeling where you lose your keys and it's like part of your heart just stopped working. the feeling of being trapped closing in - gah! something like that, haha. so i end up following him to his place, smashin on over in the acura, and we played mario bros - old school - and a bunch of other video games along with a bottle of heffeweizen and a bowl of golden crisps. yum. so it ended up to be a pretty chill evening - he got the whole house to himself, so that was pretty rad, then torin calls him up and ends up coming on over with their friend dom "dominologist" and we had some chocolate cake while they sipped on their 40oz. each. we drew on their table - i just drew shit and of course torin ripped up some paper with his talent which of course he won't admit to that dummy :D then we went to this dude thomas' house, dom and rob in rob's caddy and tor and i in the ac 'cuz i didn't want torin driving after that 40 - he was buzzin for sure, i definitely can tell that much because he wore my bowtie and cumberbund from work...but i think he would do that anyway even if he didn't have anything to drink...i just have a weird feeling... ;)after a while i had to leave and tor borrowed the caddy and showed me to cornell rd where i could easily find my way home, and that was that ;)
;it's something sophiscated.
2:19 PM
