8.18.2005
AWOOTIE-WOO...listening to: to shan eating in my ear... good god...reading: this month's issue of Wired )()()(shan's up here for who knows how long, but hey, i needed something familiar around - and who better than my best friend since 3rd grade? it's also official that we're taking her up to canada with us - she just needed a statement from her mom - like a permission granting her the way to go up there. that struck me as odd; i would think the fact that she's already 18 would be that she wouldn't need her parents' permission anymore. but just as a precaution we might as well bring all the pieces of documentation needed - that would suck if we left it and, well, murphy's law would eventually kick us in the ass.went to seaside, oregon yesterday as well with vicki - shan's mom, mark, sadie, cindi and shan herself. we rode the bumper cars countless times, it felt like, and even though i ached afterwards i had so much fun. ran around at the beach and buried mark in the sand - tried the boogie board and nearly fell several times. but it was fun. got loads of pictures which i'll put in photobucket whenever i get around to it, haha, one of these days. got shan a really cool b-day present, and cindi a little somethin-somethin, and myself as well... and they're all the same thing, but really quite different. and what is it?? well, it's very useful, but can make you do unproductive things, though it can make think - but perhaps in not quite mainstream ways... can make you laugh, a lot... etc. that is all. :)
;it's something sophiscated.
10:11 PM
8.15.2005
Whoa, I am hella confused right now. Well, kind of... I can understand most things without having them explained. There are some blanks that I'd like filled though, but other than that, I'll live.
Said friend that left... well, hasn't written nor called or any such contact that let's me/us know that he's alive. Perhaps he doesn't care whether or not we care? His friends? I mean, shit, I thought it was always that your friends are always chill with anything that you do, as long as you friggin' tell them that you're aight and all that, etc. We are friends, right? Or maybe I was left in the dark somewhere and ran over by a semi? Haha.
Oh Wow. I've never met such a bigger jerk in my life. There are people out there that I have met though, that are mean to my face, directly and such, but this one takes the cake. It's always the indirect ones that pisses me off the most. Huh. And I seriously thought I couldn't give a big fat putrid piece of pie... but now I find myself thinking about it. Insane, oh yes, indeed, uh-huh! lol And shit man, Rob and all those homies tell me how if it were them, a girl that comes into their lives should never have the power to control their friendship with their boy. I can see how you can push that to the limit, but going beyond that... whoa-kay! Hehe. It's funny at the same time. Which makes it even funnier. Gary tells me I laugh too much. Guess I should stop...?
Nah.Even if feelings change and crap of the like... I believe you should be as truthful to your friends as best as you can. Relationships beyond platonic levels can come and they can go, but your friends [your real ones] will hopefully still be there to build you back up, or some shit like that. They have your back, and you wouldn't even have to think about it. Sure, hurt my feelings or whatever, I'll get over it - JUST GET IT OVER WITH. Don't dance around with the devil in a cold cell block... Don't try to hide it then suddenly - SURPRISE!! A rabbit pulled from a fucking hat... that's the last thing I need. I don't have time to waste over shit like that. For serious. Grab the issue by the nuts, just don't walk around it already. Let's crash into it like a train wreck - Unless you're into that sort of thing, haha.
Also, the more amusing thing to be brought out is the fact that I willingly wasted my time dancing around with this so-called friend. Or just friend. Who the hell knows anymore. I tried my best not to burden, nor hinder, nor be clingy... but I can only be so patient. I am afterall only an average 18 year old girl who hasn't made much of her life but is doing what she wants when she wants to a certain extent. More like saving me from myself... I have HELLA boundaries. I am under strict rules. I abide by them, well... you know how easily you can step over them. When I love, I love with a passion. When I love something, I put it on a pedestal. When I love someone, they make me cry. I don't ever try to lie, cheat or play around with words... I say things only when they're for sure, when there's no doubt to restrict me. So, when I say I love someone, it has to be epic, something not to be easily dismissed. So, when I don't say I love someone but there's this feeling in there somewhere that's growing, pulsing, alive... wanting to be this so-called love but not quite there yet... I'm not going to urge it on and MAKE it into something I want it to be. That shit's gotta come natural.
Don't look for a fairy tale ending [cliche, cliche, cliche...], don't MAKE fairy tale endings, live simply, laugh often, love deeply. DON'T fucking make things worse/more difficult for other people along the way. Shows just how selfish you can be - but hey, that shit's natural, too. So what am I saying? Perhaps everything I've typed out so far is all a bunch of bullshit. So maybe it is. I guess we were built to outstand the worst of all heartbreaks. Meant to find others along the way and they'll help you cope, perhaps help you find something better.
To me, it's been just that. Finding better, more "fluent" relationships. Ones that can waste your time, or make it productive. I'm not quite sure about this one yet... but if anything, true friendship is supposed to be another form of love. That's what I would like to forge with Said Friend. If I love him and he doesn't love me, that's okay. I feel what I like, haha. Feelings are just feelings. They can be as strong as written word on a piece of paper, or something so strong as to be able to shatter glass with the force of it...
or to shatter hearts...
OKAY THEN. And we all fall...
................down............................
Haha, random. In fact, this whole blog was full of random. Eh. Back to my crap life...
Kicked it @ Flavordisk's again last night. Jon said his back's feeling a lot better, which is good... played [if you can call it that, haha] Grand Theft Auto and some shit... two 16oz beer... and I was all set. I like hangin' over there. 'Disk may not think he's a smart guy, but Jesus, how can you not?? Haha, funny as hell, those kooks, I just love it. Rob's doin' all right from what he said. Been hangin with Sleep all this time. His return to Raleigh Hells looks like a 50/50. Who knows tho? Who'd WANT to come back?? Haha. Well, only if he wants to. He also wants to go back to school. Good for him. I'd totally support that shit.
OH MY GAD. Summer is almost overrrrr!! And what have I done?
Haha, I'm not going to worry about what I have or haven't done.
It's about what I'm GOING to do. And once it's done, I'll always
have something else to look forward to.
That's the magic of what is GOING to happen. See? Heh.
It's called "optimism." Try that sometime, too. With a couple of cold ones
and you're all set!
Peace!!
;it's something sophiscated.
4:06 PM
