4.24.2006
it's hard to recover from something that hasn't really left a physical mark, but it was there, it made its presence known. like a memory or a scent. the world, this world, has changed for me without much consequence, and it's hard for me to believe sometimes how much i want time to go by so fast, yet it's disappearing from my grasp faster than i can wish for it.
i have grown to love so deeply i am afraid that this love has the power to either evolve and change me for the better, or destroy everything i have built for myself and perhaps it has the ability for both. this man that god - or some higher influence - has given me has taught me so many things, made me into a better person, has shown me that to face my fears was a way to truly find myself and who i really am, what i can be, my potential. now this of course goes hand in hand; i found that if i were to have and maintain any sort of non-platonic relationship with any individual, they would have to understand that it takes the effort of two people involved and that there was nothing but trials and tribulations ahead that would coincide with the love we'd share. part of that journey would be to fully discover what love is, what it can be, what we would make it to be.
we spent one sunday afternoon in a nearby park basking in sun rays in the cool grass, and i told him how i thought that that one moment that we were in, those slow minutes under the sky, how that moment was a world of our very own, a lone mark in time that outer influences could neither penetrate nor diminish, and that that world would only be broken the minute we rose, dusted ourselves off and walked away. that's how i want to continue to look at it; not necessarily a world to escape to, but a world that i would slowly try and incorporate into our world, and to make every moment of my life that i spend with this man just as beautiful and just as intricate.
everything takes time. everything takes effort. but most of all, it takes understanding and communication. that was one of the hardest lessons i have learned and am still trying to utilize with my everyday living. it's not as though i didn't know it already, but other things always held me back. like my insecurities, like my not knowing the proper way to communicate and when. like my fear. you see, i am hardly a demanding person and if ever i was one, i would be demanding the world from myself, because i'm the only one who could ever possibly understand my desires and inner workings without putting them into words. believe it or not, sometimes words are hard to come by and is one of my biggest problems. i'm a quiet thinker, i'm hardly animated, and sometimes finding the right words is such a challenge. it's difficult for me to write this even, not because i don't know proper english, only because my emotions go beyond such a simple human language.
;it's something sophiscated.
11:14 PM
