5.13.2005
Book [haha yes I do read, rah-rah]: Diary by Chuck Palahniuk [who is a fellow P-lander and the book I bought is autographed - awesome huh]Tunes: This changes so it's kind of pointless to put it on hereMood: Fucking bad ass! Ha anyway...... ........ . .......... . . . . ........... .... . ...... ... .. ...........Well, went to work earlier today. Story of my life right? LOL Right now I'm munching on fried pork rinds and earlier an almond toffee bar from Starbucks. I've been having weird cravings lately - and my sister was all, "You can't be pregnant...CAN YOU?!?!?!" Um, yeah. lol No. *sigh sigh* For some reason I actually WANT to go to work tomorrow. I'm also going to New York! If I can't get the time off, I'm really gonna quit my ass from Raleigh Hills. Fuck that man, New York! Think about it. Even if it is only for four days. Hmph. Know what? I'm gonna get back to you later. Something just came up. ;)
;it's something sophiscated.
9:22 PM
5.10.2005
Listening to: Track 11 of Snow Patrol's latest CD...I forgot the name of both the song and the CD...damnit...Watching as of now: Purple Butterfly [with Zhang Ziyi]I want to read: Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahnuik...... ........ .... . ....... ... . ......... . ... .. ....... . .. . ..... . .... . .. ... . .... . ...Sometimes you think you can't fathom such overwhelming feelings, when you do have them, when you experience them and when you're drowning in them, not quite comprehending.Others, they can't even take the time to think out of the box, to even perceive what their lives could have been,what their lives have the potential to become, abusing or simply ignoring the power they have over their existences. It's sad, when one doesn't even know one's own self.... ........ . . ... ......... . . . .... . .... . . . ....... . . .. .Work's becoming too weird for me. *smile*Not that I mind too much, it's just...because. There's a possibility I'm going to New York in mid next month - that should be interesting. For all the obvious reasons I've always wanted to visit New York - I've always had a livid fascination with big metropolitan cities, like a looking but not touching fascination. Like with most things.Still Rob did the dishes for me. It's a great work load, at least to me it is, to do the dishes. It's all the cook's dishes plus the ones in the dining room of I think, forty some people? It really all depends on how many decide to come down. It usually varies. Then he asks me, as I'm helping him put away the dishes he's washed, when we would hang out again. "I don't know, when will we hang out again?" I ask in response. A question for a question, lol. Then he points out that every time we've hung out, he's the one who had to intiate it. I don't know; for some reason I always wait for the guy to ask, but that's probably old-fashioned nowadays. We started talking about renting House of Flying Daggers [he's really in kung fu movies, it's hilarious] but we kind of got cut short when Gary, our boss, came out from his office and just gave us stares, then silently walked back to his "station." We laughed and continued working. Stupid us, associating on the job. My bad.Earlier Adelina, the third server, makes a comment while Rob and I were talking in the kitchen. She was preparing the juice glasses while Rob was doing the water glasses, and I was just...standing around pretending to be busy. Sad, I know. But he was making this crack about me being sick and passing it onto people by way of kissing them. Earlier than that he had sat down in the dining room while I was setting the silverware, and he was on his break and he asks me how my boyfriend was doing. Note: I have no boyfriend. So I say, "Oh, he's doing fine. He's trying to get over a cold though," and he smirks and says, "Oh, the one you gave him?" I grin at this little game and mentally shake my head. "Yeah, I guess so." "I didn't know you could give colds over the phone," he says. I was like, "Whatever," and we got interrupted by something and I had to go into the kitchen. When I came back, he was gone. So then the start of Adelina's comment is inserted here. I tell Rob about this story of my skinny dipping in the neighbor's pool with a couple of guys and some girls, and he says, "So did your boyfriend know about your little thing in the pool?" "He was one of the guys that were there," I say. It felt like we were reading lines off a manuscript."Oh he was?""Yes.""Oh, I was gonna say, if he wasn't then you messed up bad," he grins. I shake my head and sigh. "What boyfriend...?" I mutter, and he looks taken aback."What, you don't have one?""No!""Oh, I thought you were being all serious and stuff back there -""No! Geez..." I guess he was just trying to confirm whether or not I had a boyfriend. Stupid boy. Then comes the part when he was talking about AIDS for some reason and I end up hitting him because of some smart ass comment he made. Playful hitting, of course, and Adelina says, "Okay guys, less flirting, more working," and I scoffed at that. I immediately denied it."Flirting?! Yeah right, as if I would flirt with him!" In a way, I was being sarcastic of course. And Rob says something but I couldn't quite remember what it was. Later, while Rob was washing dishes and Adelina and I were in the dining room bussing the tables, I ask her, "Did we really seem like we were flirting?" And she smiles and says, "Yeah, kind of. It's the little things I notice, but it was pretty obvious, the way he talks to you...anybody could tell." I contemplated on that. "Do you think he likes me?" She looks at me for a second as though to measure the meaning behind that question. "Why? Do you like him?" And, stupidly, my silence answered her question. "Hmm, I think he does," She ends up saying, smiling all the while. "The way you two talk to one another, how you stay after work to just talk -""We don't do that!" I interrupt, but then add, "Well, no usually...""I think it's cute though, the way you act around one another," Her smile was growing bigger."You won't tell anyone, will you?" I implore her. She better not, but then again it's as if everyone already knows. She promises she won't. But then she said she'll ask him while I'm not around whether or not he does like me. At first I say no, but agree. "Although he probably won't even tell me even if he does like you," she points out. That's true. I mean, Rob has said he dislikes Adelina anyway. Fat chance of any answer of truth coming from his mouth to her ears.So I'm about to leave out the sliding doors after I've clocked out, and Rob walks along beside me [he says that the people in the elevator were going to the third floor anyway and that he was just gonna go outside then go through the garage to get to his car]. He says, "So how about that movie...?"I look sideways at him and ask casually, "Oh yeah, did you want to go see it?" He smiles and shakes his head at my retardity, if that's a word. "You see, there you go again - you would've just gone out the door and gotten into your car and driven off without another word, without asking me anything," he seemed a little hurt."Oh, sorry, well, I'm asking you now," I try again. "I'm the one that brought it up!""I know, but I'm asking you now: Do you want to go see that movie?" I say again, trying to mend whatever it was that I had broken. We're standing next to my car in the rain and I'm shielding my face. He stands there and kind of studies me with those dark eyes of his. "Okay, yes, but when? And where? Your house or mine?" I take a long moment to try and decide. Yeah right, long moment? Ha. "Your house - my brother-in-law's having some friends over later on," I fib a little. I think he saw right through me though."Okay, your car or mine?" "Yours.""So I have to drive you back?"
"Uh, YES." Like, DUH.He's smiling. "Why are you shading your eyes as though it's sunny?" I was holding my hand up near my forehead. "Because the rain gets in my eyes." He scoffs as though I was lying. Then we depart, and as he's walking away, he says, "Ask your sister to give me some gas money!""Don't worry, I'll give you some!" I yell back and get into my car. It was funny though, on the ride to my house. At times he'd end up in front of me, and at times I'd be in front of him several cars ahead, but somehow just because some putts went ahead on a yellow and got stuck in the middle of the intersection and blocked the cars in front of me was how he ended up getting to my house first. *sigh* So I changed at my house and he was sitting in the famly room looking at a magazine about the Sheriffs in Oregon, and how there was only one black guy in the picture of the cover. It's so...I don't know, funny but not at how passionate his beliefs are on the corruption of our government, on racism and how totally messed up things really are. We got into that discussion the whole ride to his house, and there wasn't a silent moment at all. He says that talking to Maria is cool and all, but she would never talk to him about the intellectual stuff we actually talk about, and that made me feel better. Tony, one of the guys at work, installed a new system into his car, and it was pretty awesome. So we get to his house and I meet his sister Danielle again, and he goes and takes a shower while I talk to Erin, a friend from Medford while sitting in the middle of his living room on a bean bag in the shape of red lips. I look around and stare at his kid pictures and I felt all warm and fuzzy. I was still on the bean bag and on the phone, when he gets out of the shower and I could see him in the TV, his reflection as he's standing there looking at the back of my head. So I turn around and kind of glance at him; he was shirtless with a towel around his waist. What the hell else was I supposed to do? I just smirk at him and turn around, continue to talk on the phone. Inside, my butterflies were roiling. I had just seen him, shirtless. Gah. So when I had turned back around he was still there, and I turn away again, and he throws a pen at me, bouncing off my back and I ignore that. I can see his reflection as it slowly descended the stairs into the basement, as though he was eavesdropping on my conversation. Then he's dressed and I sit on the stairs afterwards, asking him what he was doing in a la-ti-da way. he says nothing and walks by and brushes my legs that are dangling from the stairs with his hand, and asks if I'm ready to go, then he takes it back and says, "You've been ready," and I'm like, "It's okay. I don't care." I didn't, of course. I liked being there, at his house. It made me feel safe for some reason.So we go to Hollywood videos and on the way there, I tell him about my brothers and how rebellious they used to be, how their reputation was beaten up a long time ago and since it's a small town, everybody knows everybody, and their bad reputation reflected upon me on some people, and the girl I was talking on the phone with kind of shared the same feeling of being shunned by that little town. I tell him how my brother is very strict on where and who I meet - with boys, how he's set against his little sister of becoming involved with the male gender. He makes a comment on how he wasn't going to go after me after hearing how hardcore my older brother is on that subject, and takes it back, saying he didn't really care and I say casually, "You better not," and smile. We look for movies and peruse at some, and find that House of Flying Daggers is out. So we try and find other movies, and one time he leans against me and I back up against an aisle of movies, but still he kept advancing until he was standing against me and I pull away, making a crack about how I couldn't hold his weight up, since he was about a 100 pounds. He goes, "Hey now, I don't weigh that little," and I was a little relieved at how I lightened the situation. Then as I'm standing and studying some movies, he comes from behind and puts his arms around my shoulders as I continue talking, and wait as he pulls away. I thought it best to keep my mouth shut about him smelling good; but just his closeness was driving me crazy. So I walk away toward the front and ask if they have House of Flying Daggers in, if anyone returned them. Earlier Rob had asked and they said no. So I tried my best approach and they end up saying they have one in - it was pretty weird. So we rent that and this other Samurai movie which we never got the chance to watch. On the ride home he tells me he was seriously thinking about going out with me, and I just wave it off as a joke, but then, it was half-hearted. I said let's just be friends first before anything, and he just smiles and changes the subject right from underneath me.We go to his house and watch it while his sister makes us breakfast burritos that were delicious. His gigantic dog named Flea was so shy, it took a while for him to warm up to me since Danielle says he doesn't really like people that much. At first we sit on the couch, but then we end up sitting together on the smallish beanbag chair, arm against arm, head against head, thigh against thigh. I felt like we had been friends forever. I didn't feel anything strange from it, it felt natural, comfortable. I wasn't even that frigid. He made several comments at the movie and we talked during some of it, and laughed during some of it and how pretty Zhang Ziyi was.We innocently flirt and stuff then suddenly he stands up. I sit up too, hugging my knees looking up at him, asking him what he was doing. He kind of was bent over looking at the TV and didn't really answer, then it was like a blur and he was suddenly hooking his arm underneath my legs, and his other arm underneath my back and he lifted me up, bridal style and I cried out, looking straight ahead, not even sure what just happened. I felt his face pressed against my hair on the side of my face and felt as well as heard him breathe in deeply - probably my shampoo or something. I felt his arms trembling. I asked him what he was doing but for a while he didn't answer, he just breathed me in some more before gently setting me back down. "You're really light," he finally says and I look at him suspiciously. "Your arms were shaking," I said. "Really? I didn't feel it.""Well, I don't want you to break your back." Weird how we're just trying to dance around a situation with words. I get up and get a glass of water as he sits back down and watches more of the movie. I silently sit behind him and watch the back of his head, keeping my distance. What the hell was that all about? I had no clue. Then earlier his friend called and now they were there, knocking on his door. His friend Jesse, some girl named Anna and Josie were there, and while Anna and Josie were being kooks and stretching on the floor and laughing and doing yoga, Rob, Jesse and I were in the living room talking and I watched them wrestle with each other and try kung fu moves - it was hilarious. It seemed like Anna and Josie [Anna's on the pretty side, might I mention] were purposefully trying to be loud and they tried singing but the guys weren't even paying attention to them. I liked Jesse, he was funny and when he would talk, he wouldn't only talk to Rob but me as well. I was sitting on the arm of the couch and they were playing with this air gun in the shape of a .45, and Rob sits down next to me and points the barrel of the gun at my neck, and slides it down slowly, and he mutters, "Sexy," while I just crack up. I felt flattered that he would show how he acts with me in front of his friends like that, and he tells them he's gonna drive me home after I said I'd take a rain check after they asked me if I wanted to go to them to wherever they were gonna go, and I just felt all worn out, since it was after work and all.I also didn't feel like sharing Rob again. How weird is that? I laugh a lot with Jesse at the refrigerator because of the dirty magnets they had on there, and we kept piecing them together to create even dirtier sentences, and Jesse just would not stop laughing at the words I put together. I could feel Rob's eyes on me as I grinned and laughed with Jesse, and I felt him watching me. I knew I should've stopped, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to see him jealous.He drives me home and he misses a turn - purposefully, I have no idea, but I was glad. We took a scenic route and it was raining. We talk some more and when we pulled out of his driveway, I was shivering and he stopped and looked at me, asked me if I wanted to wear his sweater. And so I did. It was like a tent on me, but whatever. I tried to sniff his cologne on it but I said I couldn't smell anything. He just looked over at me and smiled, then back at the road. He then talks about how Jesse's one of his bestest friends, and I knew to keep my distance. He told me once already that he hated it when his ex cheated on him with his best friend. He loses the remote to his system, and once we get to my house, he pulls into the driveway and gets out, goes and looks for it while I take his sweater off and lay it on his seat. I watch as he searches for it, laughing as he's got his butt in the air, panic driving him at the loss of his remote. Then finally he grins as he closes his hand around it from under the seat, and I close the door to the passenger side and he looks at me for a second, as though about to speak. I break down and say, "Can I have a hug?" Tiredly, as though exhausted, which I was. He grins and says, "I was actually waiting for it." So I walk over and lightly put my arms around him, but he presses me close, it almost took my breathe away, literally. So we hug for a moment in the rain, and I say goodbye, and walk to my door, watch him drive away and turn the key in the lock. For me, that's when my day officially ended.And it was only 9:30 P.M.
;it's something sophiscated.
11:54 AM
