7.08.2005
it feels like i'm standing in a puddle all the time.
the rain isn't helping either, but i happen to like the rain. really.
don't believe me? ask the dishes!!
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listen to: flavordisk's "moment too deadly"
here. I could listen to that shit all day if I was allowed to.
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
i'm highly confused right now. well sort of...at times i even forget to look both ways when crossing the street, and then i remember why we have to do that in the first place. and like a dumbass i was looking up at the sky today, and saw this little droplet falling from the sky, just this single droplet, and then before i realized what it was, it just plopped into my eyeball.
it's like i'm in a dreamstate i can't snap myself out of. all during work today i wasn't in myself. i wasn't myself. i woke up at around 1, almost 2 this morning and i couldn't sleep, i was so restless, but then i was tired enough that my eyes just fell shut on their own. who knows at what time i finally went to bed. there was just too much psycho analysis occurring in my brain at the moment, too much to comprehend and break down. only i could get me, and right now even i don't get me.
i'm going to speak in riddles here. bear with me of my metaphors. i'm nearing an edge so deep, i can't even see the bottom. my emotional cup is filled to the brim, overfilling and spilling, until i'm drowning in it. i feel as though i'm trapped inside a box that i've locked myself in, and i don't even want to escape. i've never been in this situation before. what do i do? nothing? run and hide and make sure i don't leave any loose ends? shiaaat.
i'm not bold enough at times, and too bold too many. i do things that i never finish. i initiate things way too many times and never follow through. i'm not quite sure if i'm meant to do any of this with someone. and like i've been told
so many times: I really need to get my priorities straight. and doing that i'll have to put what's on the top of my list to somewhere i can't even see it anymore. that scares the shit out of me.
i'm scared all the time. i may pretend to be so strong, so fearless, at the top of my game but in reality i'm just this very scared little girl. don't get me wrong, i have my tough spots but i'm just not into the whole independent scene you know? not just yet. perhaps i may need more time to grow up. uhh.
))()((i went to the park blocks yesterday in downtown {?} portland with torin, watched these vagrants fuck around with each other, basketball playas - it was mundanely entertaining, but hey i'm easily entertained. sometimes. lol.
i felt like there was something amiss. like there was something that needed to be done, to be said. but i was just tired. tired of having to feel like i needed to say anything, so i just kept my mouth shut. i always do, until i know it wasn't the time to bumfuck around. ha. bumfuck. oh god.
you know when sometimes you get this feeling about the person sitting next to you, that they're thinking about something similar to you but they won't say anything? i got that shiver down my spine, not quite as tantamount as spider sense but you get the idea. and what was i supposed to say? nothing. exactly. that way nothing will ever be done. right now i'm pretty happy at where i am. or am i? i don't know. i need to think about that for a while longer.
before that, he took me to the burnside skatepark, right underneath burnside bridge where supposedly the loons from jackass made an appearance, and i took pics. at one point i was so happy that i couldn't smile. it's the weirdest feeling, not being able to express how you feel. both verbally and physically.
it's the crappiest feeling in the world.
;it's something sophiscated.
4:09 PM
