7.27.2005
Wednesday.
The 27th of july. Weird how summer just flies by when you're having fun.
Ha, for serious? Heh. So. Said friend left for a month. I'm not sure how I am right now. Actually, right now at this very moment I'm pretty happy. I hung out with some friends the very same day he left - got faded, had a lot of fun than I ever have had in so long. Went to this one house and had this long conversation with this dude - it was partially the three Coronas I downed, but hey, it made things so much easier to say. I told them my story, ha, I spilled like milk and got sympathy pats and more beer. I just shrugged, grinned and raised my bottle to the stars and started chugging. It was great. My pseudonym is now "Tipsy." How fucken convenient, nyeh?
Saying goodbye was the weirdest feeling ever. Saying goodbye ... we left one another with a smile. I tried laughing and cracking jokes. That's what I do when I'm trying not to end up with a face full of tears. Why make it into such a big production? I'm not a fan of drama - I'm not going to fucken waste my tears. It isn't like we're together [even if I was kind of leaning toward that direction], and even if he came back and saying nothing happened with said girl in said location, it isn't like it would be the truth.
I know. Where is my faith? I have plenty of faith, but not in this one. It just can't happen, especially since we're not together. Officially. I hate that word. Official. Makes me think of handcuffs, police, paperwork, tape ... yeah, something like that, hehe. Don't get me wrong; it isn't like I would never want that. Pledging and all that. I talked to Jeffrey last night and he gave me loads of advice - hilarious, so many things he says just make so much sense. Even if denial wasn't a river in Egypt, it still flowed through my veins. I wanted to defend this guy, I really did, but Jeffrey just opened my eyes until it hurt. "What an asshole," he says, after my story. "If he cared even an ounce about you, he wouldn't have gone, he would've just said to himself, 'screw this. Just being with you is enough for me.' Total asshole... trust me, I know, because I'm one too."
I laughed out loud, heck yes, literally. He went on, "You would know the truth that once he comes back and tells you nothing happened, that's total bullshit. He's only a guy; c'mon. Seriously?" I ate up his words like so much candy. I felt so confused, conflicted, torn. "Now you better do some stuff with other guys while he's gone; if you don't, I'll be very disappointed." I laughed so much at that. It's almost like I better get my tail moving instead of just staying in one place. So very true though. I have no reason to just stand around; the guy himself never said he wanted me to wait - usually that would be because he won't be waiting around either. Sad, but kinda true. What to do? *sigh* Too much thinking I tell you what.
Supposed to hang with a friend tomorrow...that oughta be fun. I should look at this like just another lesson in life. If he came back and still wanted to be "together," "unofficially" or whatever, oh man. I kind of ... I'm not sure... kind of made this decision a while ago. If he went away for a fucken month, and on the event he came back, we'd still be friends but... I wouldn't hang out with him as much as I used to. I don't know. It's like a fucken sequel to a movie that isn't as good as the original, to be continued, to be announced bullshit. He expressed to me as much that the last thing he wanted was to lose me. Once he told me that, I wanted to look at him, just look straight into his eyes as I drove him home after his 40oz and say, "And you think I don't feel the same way about you?" And that's pretty much what happened. I lost him just like he said he didn't want to lose me. I wanted to laugh... like one of those cynical, insanity laughs. Those kinds are scary.
"I'm SOOO gonna get you faded tonight," Maria tells me last night after work. That's what happened. Oh man. :) Well, whatever. Whatever happens, happens. Anna told me that if he's half as great as we think he is, he won't fall in love with this girl again. I wanted to say to her, "Well, he IS only a guy. AND he's only human, so basically we just got shitted." LOL I made it sound like we were sharing. In a way, sure. ;)
There are so many things I've done and regretted doing. But we'll see that if after he returns, we'll just see just how much more things I'm going to have to regret.
Watch out... FUN TIMES AHEAD! Jyeah.
Peace owt.
;it's something sophiscated.
8:48 PM
