6.30.2005
It is lovely June the 30th.
What makes it lovely?
'cuz I say it is. That's why, stop asking stupid
questions, stupid. :P
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Listening to: LOTS of cd's since I'm burning a bunch for my
best buttie Shan 'cuz I'm cool like that. So for the moment being,
I am currently listening to Cake: Pressure Chief. Badasssssss
Reading: Haunted by Mr. Sir. Palahniuk 5000 [oh god lol]
Mood: TIRED! i NEED HELADO IN MY SYSTEM-O!
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So. It's been a while. I can explain, I swear.
Every fucken day, ha. Man, I'm really starting to hate myself.
Nah, I'm good.
*clears throat*
Well, where the FUCk [deliberately with a lower case k] should I begin? Hm. *sigh* For once I'm speechless. Seriously. It's like, the more you feel, the less you've got to say. And now I actually feel that way. Crazy huh? Not really. Well, if I am to say something, it's supposed to stay within this blog. Okay? All right. Otherwise I'm not going to be held responsibile for any crazy ladies/gents that'll come flying from out of thin air. Yeah. That was random. Oh my shit.
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So everyone and their mother knew I had a crush on Rob. Big fucken deal right? Yeah it was. I didn't know I was as easy to read as a nursery rhyme. I wanted to stay cryptic, but I wanted people to understand me at the same time. Huh. Guess you can't have what you want all the time. Duh.
It's pretty much died down [it took about a month but I made it] at work; I haven't heard anything about him and I - well, a few here and there but pretty much I could say the soap opera of Raleigh Hills has gone down the charts considerably and ratings are pretty much zip. That's the good news, hehe. I feel almost bad though at times, it's like I destroyed people's ideas they had for me. OH fucken WELL!
I don't know [and no I really don't know]. I care about other people too much. I try to fix them before I can even fix all the torn up parts of myself. Ya see? I care too much and try to care so little but end up unsuccessful. Goddamnit. *throws random shit on the wall*
I'm so worn in and worn out [sounds like something off of a song...]. Things changed and they stayed changed. Over the course of a month [check it: 30 some odd days, 31 for some months] I found someone. No, I'm not gonna start out with "I found this special someone and just totally fell over heels in fucken lo--" Eh. No. I'm not like that. I sure hope to god not. I'm already full of cheese as it is. Let's not make things any worse, hm?
Okay, what I meant by "I found someone," well, I found a really good friend. Someone I could confide in wholely and not have your back figuratively slashed [and that's hard to find]. I mean, you could confide in some bum off the street and who would they tell your secrets to? So it's even better to confide in someone you know and believe that your secrets are safe with them [well, for the most part anyway, lol]. You know, except for the shit that really doesn't matter. ANYWAY... back to my main subject. [Do we really need to talk about it? Well, that's what this fucken blog is here for!! Jesus.]
So call me a loose fickle nobody, but I went from liking one guy to another. Yeah yeah, what? lol That's what makes me feel bad sometimes. But then I figured out that sometimes you really can't help who or what you like. Usually that shit should just come naturally, if it is really you looking out from your eyes. Did that make sense? Sometimes I don't so I'm just verifying. You'll let me know if I'm not making any sense right? Cool. So about this new friend I found. He's totally tight, and he knows it. He doesn't need anyone to tell him he's tight, because, as I've already brought out, he already knows this [my god somebody kill me till I'm fucken dead]. I mean, I've never before had a friend of this magnitude [man do I love that word: magnitude]. Well, of course I have, but these are under different circumstances. It's like you meet someone and then you part ways, and then you meet them again and you never realized in your life that you would be looking at them twice in the same lifetime. That's how it was for me.
I'm running out of words. But I've gotta do this. Otherwise where would all my memories go?
In all my 18 years I've only really let one person see everything there is to see about me [and that would be Shanna, bud since 3rd grade and patna in crime]. But there's not much to see. Well, kind of. I'd like to think I'm more complicated than I really am when in reality there really should at least be someone in the world who can understand you wholely and still love you anyway. Or something like that. I try not to get close to people too much. I have friends. I have acquaintances. Close encountahs with the first kind....blah blah etc.
But this guy, I don't know how long it'll last - I mean, who knows how long ANYTHING lasts? Except for Bush's reign from '04 to '08....but hey, I'm not here to talk about THAT....but I'm speaking in terms of relationships - be they platonic or romantic. You only do what you can and if it's enough, you move on from there. If it's not, you also move on from there, except for those dumbasses who throw themselves off of buildings or just end their lives somehow just because they can't deal. What's worse than dying? Ending your own life, that's what. But um....this newfound friendship - which is what I call it right now - is quite special. It's not universal, but then again what is. But it's the kind that makes me forget the fact that there are other people on the earth that have their own bullshit to worry about.
It makes me think about Ron and Evelyn at work, who have just gone through their 60+ anniversary and he still spoon feeds her at the table. She's going downhill fast, and once when I was taking their order, I had to blink several times so nobody would see how that effected me. Rob was there working and I could've sworn he noticed how watery my eyes were. I was like, wow. So there really is that kind of love. The kind of love where you can't live without the other. Makes me smirk to think that little 13 year olds with girlfriends/boyfriends say "I love you" to each other, when they really don't know what that means. That three-lettered phrase. Perhaps to them it means, "By the way, we're going out with each other and we have sex and make-out and hold hands and cuddle and talk on the phone for hours on end and flirt and see each other urryday - I'll see you later and do some more of that okay?" Or maybe they think infatuation is pretty much the same thing. It feels almost the same right? Like you meet one another oh say, under half a month or so and you're already calling each other sweetie. Whoa momma. I think it takes a lot longer than a fucken 14 days to develop at least a solid friendship. Or maybe I'm just slow? Yeah, that must be it.
Like, oh what was it that Rob was saying at work? He was telling me about how his friend like, fell in love with this chick in a weekend or a week or something like that, like fell IN LOVE. I was envious of that. But at the same time I was like, "How can anyone fall in love with anyone in just that amount of time? It's impossible."
"It's not impossible," He tells me. "If you really think about falling in love and wanting to fall in love, than it just happens."
Hm. Deductive reasoning is so divine. NOT really. Why am I so cynical??! I hate that part of myself. Why can't I just trust and be done with it and ask questions later?! Why must I overanalyze things? Oh man. Well, I actually have an answer for that. And the answer is...well, it's just who I am. I've tried to change it but then I figured it was part of some glitch in my DNA strand. Like the color of my eyes I can't change, I can't change that overly analytical part of myself. But god do I wanna! lol
So. AS I was saying. :) Well, to put it simply I found a really cool guy to hang out with and I'm starting to really like him [ha, starting to? holy shit what a fucken understatement] and it's weird 'cuz I just got over liking his best friend. He knows this, and so does his bestfriend, which I could've lived without but whatever. Planes aren't crashing on my house so my life isn't totally over...but um, crap I just lost my train of thought - goddamn my cellphone...but...*wracking brain wracking brain wracking brain* oh yeah, and so I hear that he's still totally into this other girl he met before he met me, and I wanted to wait to tell him I liked him until he could figure what he wants to do [as it went with Rob, all I want is for him to be happy with whatever decision plows through his mind and lands on his lap]. I mean, I understand the whole being really into someone, good god, I just got over that shit, it wasn't pretty. It wasn't easy either. If it could be described as an adjective in the dictionary it'd be right next to "FUCKEN HARD SHIT MAN." *sigh* But I learn to face facts. I wanted to ground myself in reality and not wallow in stupid soap shit. It was the first time I actually told the guy I liked that I liked them. Isn't THAT insane. Yeah, it SURE is. :P
Going through all those Ricardos, Tristans, Travis', Seans, Andrews, Ricks, Robs [all in chronological order might I add] and I just wanted to stop and say, "Shit. No more okay? It stops right here." It was always the guy who said something to me and I would always have to wait until they did say something. This time I didn't shit around. haha Shit around. Ok. And so ... I jumped. And I fell really hard on my arse, figuratively speaking. So on the night I'm getting dropped off in front of my house [don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I was all calm inside and was thinking properly but was in fact practically shitting my pants the whole ride over to conjure up the nerve to do what I was about to do next] I open my mouth and it was like autopilot took over. You know Miriam? That crazy bitch in my head that controls everything? Well, she went on a lunchbreak on the event I spilled my guts. Too afraid of getting hurt huh? Again... So yeah, even now I'm not even sure whether or not I regret anything. I don't think I do...I try not to do anything that I regret, but how can you really help that once it's done? Really. Yeah but I seriously think I might've screwed things up this time. Again, oh man, what else is new?? Haha. *firecrackers go off in the background* Ooh....*ahem* yeah anyway, back to this. Oh joy.
Yeah. The part of me that regrets having said anything ...that part was taking into consideration what he must be going through. I mean, this other girl that he fell in love with...I wouldn't want to pressure him into doing something he wouldn't want to do. I want things to flow naturally. Do what feels right. But I had to go and say something, haha. Who knows. He might still be in love with her. And I really do believe he still does. Who can blame him? But can you really like two people at once? I haven't gone through that, thank god. Gladly I ended my non-platonic feelings for Rob before I ever even felt anything for this dude now. And I'm so relieved. I didn't want to be unfair to anyone, not even to myself. I'm not saying that I don't care whether or not he'll be fair to me, I'm just saying, I want him to feel for the girl he wants more. And I'm not saying it's not frustrating. It is. I just don't wanna get all whiny and stupid. Like a three year old, but seriously. And goddamnit, I wanted to wait until he made up his mind about this other girl before I ever said anything, but I needed...NEEDED to say something. It was fucken driving me nuts. I didn't want to hold back things...I mean, you know how it is when you want it to be different every time you're with someone you care about? Well, yeah. So. I said something. And. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I still think it could've waited some more but it was like I was afraid of it slipping away. Like that perpetual closing door and you wanna run in before it closes and hits you in the face. Yeah, it was something like that.
It's a funny thing too. I confided in Rob at work. I find that so hilarious, haha [<--see? "haha" means I thought it was fucken hilarious]. "Why don't you just tell him you like him?" Rob asks me while we're in my car, and I'm driving him to his friend's house where his car is. "What hurt would it do?"
I glanced sideways at him as we pulled up to a red light. "I don't want to say anything until he knows for sure that he likes me too."
He scoffs at me. Literally, he does that whooshing noise through his nose. Grr. "He already does. Isn't it obvious? Are you just dumb or stupid? How he calls you up literally every day, calls you these pet names...trust me, I think he does." He ends it with a sarcastic naive tone at the end that came quite close to sounding condescending. But anyway.
"That's not the real issue here," I say, shifting to first as the light turns green. "Did he SAY he likes me?"
"Yes!" lol
"Okay, let's say he DOES like me: BUT! I want him to take into consideration the fact that he still likes that other girl." And he scoffs at me again. What the fuck, haha.
He's looking out the window and shaking his head. "Man..." He sighs as though he's exhausted. "You just have no idea..."
I look through the windshield at the rainy day ahead of me and sigh. No shit I don't. Without anyone telling me how am I supposed to know anything. I do know that he briefly had relations with the girl that Rob's into now. I bet he didn't know I knew that. Not like it made any difference anyway. I still like him, that much is obvious - you just can't control who you have seen but maybe who you will see in the future. Or maybe not even that if you think about it, just like you can't help who you like, right?
I think I've written too much. Spilled too much. Remember, anything you read in here is extremely confidential :D haha yeah right. It's the fucken i-net, you never trust anything you put into i-net, much less into fucken myspace haha! I just needed to hit something. Like my fingers against the keys.
;it's something sophiscated.
6:58 PM
