12.29.2004
last night i took a big trip down memory lane.
you've no idea - of all the things that went down last year...
well, part of me had forgotten too. i had to remind myself by reading my journal last night, one that i had typed out about...oh, a year and a half ago. a forever ago. and yeah, not to go into dramatics or anything, but it still hurts. i try to pretend it doesn't, but scars...somtimes they're too deep to be understood by those who don't have them. and i have to remind myself of that also.
lisa, my older sis came down for "mish-mash" as my dad puts it, and we got closer, as sisters are supposed to do. well, it might not be that way for some people, since most didn't go through trials that lis and i faced. i make it sound like we went through hell!! hehe, well, maybe not hell but something a little more tamed, something more subtle. to be honest, i don't think i'm worthy of making it sound like i hurt too, like any other human being on this old, "decrepit" planet. perhaps not, but...i'm going to anyway.
last night i just realized how much i really cared about someone. no, it isn't because i'm being sentimental. well, not for a stupid purpose anyway, but hear me out. i hurt someone, therefore it was reciprocated eagerly back onto me. sometimes i wish we could just...turn off that feeling that makes you care so much, the feeling you get when you care so much it hurts. something short-circuiting inside, and filling you up like a pot of coffee being poured into a cup too small. makes me wonder if we're truly real, you know, one of those thoughts that most people (in my opinion anyway) don't think about. if we're...loving a false god, praying to the air, living out our lives with no because to back us up, a purpose made specifically for us. hmmm. i sound like a movie. crap.
but what i wanted to point out was...sometimes, no matter how stupid, boring, lonely you are, i think there's something that's keeping us earthbound. *sigh* how do i explain something....? meaning there's always something here, or there that will always want you to be around them - something or someone, whether you realize it or not. it's sad that, sometimes, years later people only realize that there was a someone that really cared about them, and most times it's only because they're dying or whatever, you know? or you don't. it's probably right under your nose and you don't even get it. it isn't that complicated but it is.
when someone feeds you these...words that are probably not from the heart but meant for you anyway, you eat it up, your ears hunger for it like some...guy (not to be sexist) feeding you poetry because it supposedly "works every time" (bullshit!). well, it may be true that it, even if a little, works in making us "slaves," persay...but the guy that's feeding you all that bs probably wants to care, if not more, but...well, is probably too afraid of getting hurt. i learned the hard way.
if i can help it, i don't want to leave abandoned hearts and torn bridges in my wake if you get my meaning (because i'm too lazy to explain).
but just think about it. not only should you work on not getting hurt, but also, (or more importantly?) avoid hurting someone else because, in my experience, it hurts a lot more.
;it's something sophiscated.
3:17 PM
