we're so ignorant.
always trying to find ways to improve and
getting pushed off balance and getting confused
in the most complicated ways.
we're so human, it's not even funny.

but with most un-funny things,
you have to find the amusement in all of it.
we have to accept that life is one messed up
party. everyone you and i know will be there.

the question is, will you have fun?

Oh yeah. And this weather sucks.

Sometimes I really think I'm bi-polar.
When I have my ups, I really have my ups!!
But when I have my downs...
...eek.

It's crazy to think you want to be where everyone else is, but then find yourself just being left out when you're already there. People often say that I'm so lucky. I see that, sometimes... but often I'm the spotlight of generously unwanted attention. Argh! Try as I might, I can never really make myself small enough, invisible enough, quiet enough, to the point where someone doesn't even notice me like I'm just another part of the room.

Kiddies out there may say that, "oh yes, you're so lucky, you're complaining about the amount the attention you're receiving when most people attempt suicide because they believe they don't get enough." Can I really help that my opinion of attention isn't all that cracked up to be?

Tomorrow is the staff party where I work. I actually want to go, haha. At first it was cancelled due to "lack of participation." My bad for not signing up... I meant to, and I had every intention to, and it was funny that on the day I was actually going to sign up to bring [insert food item], Jen tells me that it's cancelled on my way back from the bathroom. Hrm. I just didn't know there was a deadline, is all. It seems like we really have to show our gratitude, our appreciation, our eagerness to have this employee party in order to earn it or something. I really don't understand the way Raleigh Hills ALF works. And I don't think I ever will.

Same night is David's staff party as well, haha. Too bad... I wanted to bring him along but I think he needs some time to wind down with the guys or whatever, and since it's a gaming sort of party at his work, it should be fun. Planning on going for a shoot on Saturday morning somewhere in the downtown Portland area, or something... I've just been itching to take some pictures.

And Tyler and Jen just got engaged! Congratulations for those two! Wow. I knew it was coming, as it should! Those two need to settle down... and have children of their own! I can't wait for the wedding - it's photo shoot time! :D

I'm stuck
I'm out of luck
And trying to talk my way out of this
Even fog lifts, but not this
No not this

There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without
Your gun...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me.

We could leave
I'll dim the stars
We'll steal away from here
We'll run so fast and so far
We'll burn up these streets
Our mystery complete
The moon will die of shame

There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without
Your gun...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me.

There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without
Your gun...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me.

And just stay with me
Stay with me
Stay with me

No Way Back
by 8mm

I give a lot.
Most of the time.
I'm lazy.
I demand a lot.
Kind of.
I've learned that I don't demand as much as the next girl.
But I always expect to be treated the way I treat others.
Sometimes, it is definitely easier said than done.
It's not always the case that you get as much as you give.
Le suck.

Hm, well. That could be as close to a rant as I could possibly get. You know, I should mention that I used to love blogging. Maybe the love will return come with time. I used to love to document the life I thought was just fine, simple, nothing else I could have deserved nor have deserved to want to change. Because it was the life given to me. I guess a life given to you is capable of change under your own means, at least in the big picture. Sigh. I don't know why this is bothering me as much as it is. Nothing usually bothers me that much. I usually shake it off within the hour or so. I'm not the type to hold a grudge. In fact, it's one of the most difficult things for me to do is to hold a grudge and be angry to days at a time. For example, during the year or so my boyfriend and I have been together, we could not let the sun set and rise or vice-versa, in a succession, and have stayed angry at one another.

You'll probably tut-tut me and say that it'll happen all in due time. Perhaps it will. So far it hasn't and that's the point I'm trying to make. A year in a relationship with a person you haven't been apart with for more than two days and you practically see one another every day of that relationship, I'll tell you that it's very difficult indeed not to get angry at anything. Holy hell yes, you're probably saying. But the thing is... everything has such a finality when I look at it. It's like... a big blow out, and I try to reason why it happened and I assume a lot... then I come to the conclusion that this fight was because we are not compatible. It isn't going to work. This is going to happen again and keep happening over and over and over. And the reason why is because you don't love me or that you're bored or that you never were really interested in the first place or we're just too different.

You must understand and give me a break a little bit. This is my first real relationship. And when I say real I mean REAL. To the point where you stop caring about how much blanket you're getting at night and freeze yourself to death just so you could make sure that the person sleeping soundly next to you would stay warm. To the point that you're looking into his sorry drunken eyes that probably don't even see you, and as he hurls into the metal bowl you got from the kitchen, you realize you don't want to care for anyone else as much as him.

Sometimes I envy the girlfriends that would do anything for their man. What I mean is in terms of getting up and getting them their beer, warming up their pizza or having dinner all prepared when they get home from work. Doing their laundry and sorting their socks, making sure their bills get paid in time and wash their car. I just can't do it. Sure, I'll help out and everything but I can't play housewife when I'm not a housewife. I've gotten up at four in the morning to go over to his house and take care of him even when I didn't have to, then go to work at six. So I guess I don't have the right to be disappointed when he doesn't come over and see me to spend the night even when he's really tired from work? Just because I didn't have to do it for him? I'm so puzzled.

I think I'm over-analyzing it, certainly, and I guess I'm not making myself clear. It annoys me slightly that I have to tell him that it's important to me. That I absolutely want him here with me. That it almost sounds like I'm begging. That since I spent a night over at his house the night before, I would expect he'd do the same. Ugh, I sound like need cheese with my whine and that's the last thing I want. But he said he was so tired. Can I still be disappointed over such a little thing? Or should I be understanding? I mean, it's just me but if he wanted me to come over and expressed the slightest of disappointment, I would have dragged my ass over there anyway despite feeling like a zombie. Because... I'm the kind that wants to please and please and please. Sometimes... I hate it. Because the disappointment that I feel when I'm not compensated for my eagerness to please is just achingly crappy. And I seriously don't have the right to feel that way, most of the time because I know that I bring it onto myself. I know I don't have to do certain things but I always unconsciously went by the saying that it's the thought that counts. Don't do anything nice for me because I want you to. Do it only when you want to. And that's probably not often as my selfishness can be satisfied with. So I settle. Don't settle? Please. You can't ever go through life without settling on something. And if you think I'm wrong than you're seriously a fool. Ah, but you'll get over it. Just like me.

It's been a while.

I've been busy.... aka lazy....
and that is my excuse. I need nothing else, ha.
Everything has been moving at a steady pace, but too fast for my liking. Perhaps for everyone else it's going just the way it should. Not for me. I wonder why. It saddens me that I can't grasp onto the time that has been given to me, and hold onto it, and cherish it as long as I want. There's nothing I've really wanted, though, that I haven't found or has been given to me. I found love and kept it, this year and part of last. It's been amazing. A whirlwind. A crazy dream. A fantastic roller coaster ride. An emotional road trip. Meh.

Still jobbing. Oh yes. The J word. Still. Procrastinating. Ugh. I know, I know!!!! If you haven't said it then I've never met you in my life, because seriously, it's as though everyone knows and whomever I meet can practically see the procrastination lingering off of me like summer heat off the pavement in the middle of July. I know it. I have only me to blame.

I've been amusing myself with some things... I have my own computer now. I used to... back in the early Toshiba laptop days before the hard-drive decided to go AWOL and leave me with nothing but a sorry shell with old milk stains from when Shanna's little brother's bowl of cheerios decided to mate with the keyboard. Ugh. So many memories I've typed into that Word document that was once in that hard-drive. TEH SADNESS. Good old highschool days were guaranteed to entertain and depress via Teenage angst from the many pages that accumulated in that "blog," if you will. It wasn't online, and thank the good LORD it wasn't! Pfft. And now you shall have to make do with this, this ultra censored, backwash copy of the rest of my life. Apologies! Feh!

And I was just doing laundry. Went to work today - wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Ultra "slow," or should I say slower than I'm used to? Which is usually fast? Make sense? Neh. So! I just turned 20. What do you think about that? I no longer can call myself a teenager. It saddens as well. BUT! Oh, drinkin times are -a- comin! Next year.... oh yes.

I think I shall leave this alone for now. Good luck kids. I'll blab soon enough.

it's hard to recover from something that hasn't really left a physical mark, but it was there, it made its presence known. like a memory or a scent. the world, this world, has changed for me without much consequence, and it's hard for me to believe sometimes how much i want time to go by so fast, yet it's disappearing from my grasp faster than i can wish for it.

i have grown to love so deeply i am afraid that this love has the power to either evolve and change me for the better, or destroy everything i have built for myself and perhaps it has the ability for both. this man that god - or some higher influence - has given me has taught me so many things, made me into a better person, has shown me that to face my fears was a way to truly find myself and who i really am, what i can be, my potential. now this of course goes hand in hand; i found that if i were to have and maintain any sort of non-platonic relationship with any individual, they would have to understand that it takes the effort of two people involved and that there was nothing but trials and tribulations ahead that would coincide with the love we'd share. part of that journey would be to fully discover what love is, what it can be, what we would make it to be.

we spent one sunday afternoon in a nearby park basking in sun rays in the cool grass, and i told him how i thought that that one moment that we were in, those slow minutes under the sky, how that moment was a world of our very own, a lone mark in time that outer influences could neither penetrate nor diminish, and that that world would only be broken the minute we rose, dusted ourselves off and walked away. that's how i want to continue to look at it; not necessarily a world to escape to, but a world that i would slowly try and incorporate into our world, and to make every moment of my life that i spend with this man just as beautiful and just as intricate.

everything takes time. everything takes effort. but most of all, it takes understanding and communication. that was one of the hardest lessons i have learned and am still trying to utilize with my everyday living. it's not as though i didn't know it already, but other things always held me back. like my insecurities, like my not knowing the proper way to communicate and when. like my fear. you see, i am hardly a demanding person and if ever i was one, i would be demanding the world from myself, because i'm the only one who could ever possibly understand my desires and inner workings without putting them into words. believe it or not, sometimes words are hard to come by and is one of my biggest problems. i'm a quiet thinker, i'm hardly animated, and sometimes finding the right words is such a challenge. it's difficult for me to write this even, not because i don't know proper english, only because my emotions go beyond such a simple human language.

there will be times in your life where you think: this is where life really begins.
you meet someone that you're totally in love with, you're comfortable around them yet still get those obnoxious jitters, those insane butterflies in the stomach, the sweaty palms, the loss for words.

it's amazing how this system works.
mad, completely, how things just find a way of happening and then is. i am truly blessed [not enough that i have to use
caps, haha]. there aren't any words that can fully portray how this feels - not any that i can find
that can make people understand, because rarely have i found any that actually do, and it's so freaking frustrating. you have to remember that you only live once. sure, do it
right the first time. but sometimes you've got to explore beyond the dotted line.
get figuratively naked and get metaphorically stripped of your cellophane like a lollipop. faces come and go; you catch and hold onto one that actually matters. the others are supposed to be your practice trials. if life's a game, it's one that's on hella hard mode, with few life-ups.

i was given a speech today, an "oral life lesson," if you will [at lunchtime at work of all places]. i may be partially blinded by my flamboyant youth, but everyone has to go through "this" and "that" or the "other" sometime. people are given speeches every day, people give speeches every day. look where we're at, sorry bastards that we are... no matter how life-changing the speech, people will make their own decisions. decisions are the doors in the big house of life - at least that's the way i see it. sometimes doors that lock automatically behind you and you can't go back. either that or they're the forks in some road in the Middle of Nowhere. *sigh* what was the point of this?

who knows, haha.

Blurb: "When life gives you happiness, you dig your claws into it like so..."

))((

I just got back from the bank, the store, then met up with my bud Nikos from work over at Starbucks [ick, but hey, coffee is coffee, wut]... grar... I've been up since 7 and already my head hurts. It is supposed to be my day off, but I just can't seem to stop moving. There seems to be this endless fountain of energy spurting forth from god knows where... but hey, I'm not complaining. It's better than sitting around being a sloth all day, get fat and whatnot. Whatever.

I try to write as often as I can in this blog... a sort of way to keep into account of the goings on of my life, the ups and downs recorded via an online blog among millions, but sometimes it's just so hard to find the time to sit my ass down and do it. I try to keep every event in mind to keep them from being forgotten, to be as honest as I can of who I am, what is happening to me and how I perceive this ornate yet complex environment happening around me. Perhaps I have too much time on my hands, haha, but the truth is I try to make the time, even when it's the most difficult to elaborate and put things into words.

For instance, don't expect of me to write down everything that I feel, because I can't - I probably would if I could, but sometimes things just can't be done by way of the norm, like writing, speaking [of course listening/hearing is part of it]... those intricate yet simple human ways of expression. Perhaps those ways of counteraction just aren't sufficient for me, and I believe we could be capable of something more. For one, I would say the human touch is one of the simplest yet most successful ways of getting feelings across. Just simple light touches... a slight brush of skin, a single fingertip, even a rush of air from deep breathing. Even a slight glance when a pair of eyes catch each other's gaze. For some reason even a longing look feels intimate to me [though of course from someone you feel intimate with]. That may sound naive, yet those simple ways of human communication has not lost its intensity with me, as it has lost its effectiveness with how the world has evolved.

Of course it all depends on the circumstance you find yourself in. Everything cannot come across as gradiose - and also ties in with how you see yourself. "Narcissistic gradiosity is founded on the narcissist's sense of omnipotence, omniscience and omnipresence." There are so many potentials, possibilities that we get lost and confused; our minds have a tendency to lean toward things that are not necessarily truth but what sounds right due to our own opinions and past experiences. Who even knows what truth is, really? Like people say, "Have fun, you only live once." That may be true, you live once, but why screw up that one chance? You can look at things in so many different angles, at times what to believe in anymore is completely obscure.

))((

Urk, sorry, sometimes I go on endlessly that it isn't until I look back at what I'm writing that I realize I have finally gone insane :D But whatever, what's written above isn't what I came here to write. That's for my own personal reference, haha, so ignore it if you will please.

Things are happening at a fast steady pace [so which one is it?! fast or steady?? haha] and I do believe I have a figurative whiplash. I try to take things as they come; I blame it on myself however, my lack of experience with life, love, all that shit. But sometimes a person can only grow up so fast... guess I'm starting out slightly behind everyone else, in this unforeseen yet inevitable race. Or perhaps I'm going at my own pace..? Which is it, I really don't know. There are a lot of things I don't know [like anyone else you'll ask]. In all honesty, I'll just remain in this happy euphoric state of mind I'm in, for the meantime, and if it doesn't last then screw it. Move on. Things are bound to happen; be it to lose things only to gain certain other things... You're only young once; it's best you do it right the first time around. I hear so many people complaining at where I work that they did not do what they wanted to in the first place, when they had the chance while young, and now grown old there are many things they ended up regretting.

The night that was Rosalia's last at Raleigh Hills, we spoke about the things that she wished she could've done different. How her first love asked her to marry him but she refused because her mother got sick and couldn't leave her and told him not to wait for her. Years later she meets him again, while him happily married still for more than a decade, beautiful kids, a house, a job, happiness. While she tells me she looks at how dead-ended she became because she chose someone else - a bitter separated wife from her abusive husband, raising her son while working two jobs and struggling to make ends meet. Now she's met someone who's devoting all his time, effort and love to her and her son, which matters the most to her, and now I see this smile on her face that I do believe I never have seen before.

Makes you think; in that one song by Immortal Technique...
You Never Know.
Love the one you're with / Not simply the person who'll have sex with you.

One fault I find in that way of keeping it real is sometimes you just want to be closer... a friend asked me one time why it had to be such a big deal, this whole intimacy thing - like, what was so wrong with wanting to be closer with the one you love? Which of course he was pertaining to sex... and to answer his question, I just blurted the first thing that came to mind. Maybe to keep the connection real, you don't need the lust that comes along with sex to confuse you with how you really feel. Because, all in all if you look at it, we're really simple creatures. We can only understand, feel, express so much at any given time [haha Déjà Vu].

Hmm, in other words, you make do with the time you're given, you appreciate what you have and who you are with; stop complaining because, 9 out of 10 cases, someone else is a lot worse off. And that's the shitty end of the deal to being happy these days.

Curioser and curioser, the way life shits you, then brings you back up. I've been told I'll get hurt a lot more often than I keep count; if so, then so be it. I'm ready [I think, haha] - I mean, what's life gonna do?? Besides completely fuck with me, but hey, it's my life, just try and try again if at first you fail. Or the second time, or the third, or the fourth...

im dancing around
my legs tip-toed
i feel free
i feel grace;

M I R I A M
11'3o'86
Thinker/Reviser/part-time
Worry-Wart/Great Friend
Very much in <3


ALL CONTENT EXPRESSED IN THIS BLOG CANNOT BE HELD LIABLE TO THE WRITER. IN OTHER WORDS, DON'T GET ALL BUTT-HURT IF I WRITE ABOUT YOU!!


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EVIL.
AND BEING SICK.
HANG-NAILS.
PAPER-CUTS. ICK.
JEALOUS PEOPLE.
SNOTTY POLITICIANS.
[POLITICIANS]
SNOBS.
AND UM...STUPID DRIVERS!

THE WORLD
to improve.
proper spelling.
lesser tears.
less trash/garbage. please!
really! save the animals!
for my pens never to run out of ink.

...sry guys, no tagboard..



08/15/2004 - 08/22/2004
08/22/2004 - 08/29/2004
08/29/2004 - 09/05/2004
09/12/2004 - 09/19/2004
09/19/2004 - 09/26/2004
09/26/2004 - 10/03/2004
12/26/2004 - 01/02/2005
01/02/2005 - 01/09/2005
01/09/2005 - 01/16/2005
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01/23/2005 - 01/30/2005
01/30/2005 - 02/06/2005
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02/20/2005 - 02/27/2005
02/27/2005 - 03/06/2005
03/06/2005 - 03/13/2005
03/20/2005 - 03/27/2005
04/24/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/08/2005 - 05/15/2005
05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005
05/29/2005 - 06/05/2005
06/26/2005 - 07/03/2005
07/03/2005 - 07/10/2005
07/10/2005 - 07/17/2005
07/17/2005 - 07/24/2005
07/24/2005 - 07/31/2005
07/31/2005 - 08/07/2005
08/07/2005 - 08/14/2005
08/14/2005 - 08/21/2005
09/11/2005 - 09/18/2005
09/25/2005 - 10/02/2005
10/09/2005 - 10/16/2005
11/13/2005 - 11/20/2005
04/23/2006 - 04/30/2006
12/03/2006 - 12/10/2006
12/10/2006 - 12/17/2006
01/14/2007 - 01/21/2007



DESIGNER; lonelyME
IMAGE; moumine
BRUSHES; moargh.de
rip it, u're unkind.