liquiDHelium

2007-01-18T20:03:00.000-08:00

we're so ignorant.
always trying to find ways to improve and
getting pushed off balance and getting confused
in the most complicated ways.
we're so human, it's not even funny.

but with most un-funny things,
you have to find the amusement in all of it.
we have to accept that life is one messed up
party. everyone you and i know will be there.

the question is, will you have fun?

2006-12-14T16:14:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah. And this weather sucks.

Sometimes....

2006-12-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I really think I'm bi-polar.
When I have my ups, I really have my ups!!
But when I have my downs...
...eek.

It's crazy to think you want to be where everyone else is, but then find yourself just being left out when you're already there. People often say that I'm so lucky. I see that, sometimes... but often I'm the spotlight of generously unwanted attention. Argh! Try as I might, I can never really make myself small enough, invisible enough, quiet enough, to the point where someone doesn't even notice me like I'm just another part of the room.

Kiddies out there may say that, "oh yes, you're so lucky, you're complaining about the amount the attention you're receiving when most people attempt suicide because they believe they don't get enough." Can I really help that my opinion of attention isn't all that cracked up to be?

Tomorrow is the staff party where I work. I actually want to go, haha. At first it was cancelled due to "lack of participation." My bad for not signing up... I meant to, and I had every intention to, and it was funny that on the day I was actually going to sign up to bring [insert food item], Jen tells me that it's cancelled on my way back from the bathroom. Hrm. I just didn't know there was a deadline, is all. It seems like we really have to show our gratitude, our appreciation, our eagerness to have this employee party in order to earn it or something. I really don't understand the way Raleigh Hills ALF works. And I don't think I ever will.

Same night is David's staff party as well, haha. Too bad... I wanted to bring him along but I think he needs some time to wind down with the guys or whatever, and since it's a gaming sort of party at his work, it should be fun. Planning on going for a shoot on Saturday morning somewhere in the downtown Portland area, or something... I've just been itching to take some pictures.

And Tyler and Jen just got engaged! Congratulations for those two! Wow. I knew it was coming, as it should! Those two need to settle down... and have children of their own! I can't wait for the wedding - it's photo shoot time! :D

No Way Back

2006-12-14T15:46:00.000-08:00

I'm stuck
I'm out of luck
And trying to talk my way out of this
Even fog lifts, but not this
No not this

There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without
Your gun...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me.

We could leave
I'll dim the stars
We'll steal away from here
We'll run so fast and so far
We'll burn up these streets
Our mystery complete
The moon will die of shame

There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without
Your gun...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me.

There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without
Your gun...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me.

And just stay with me
Stay with me
Stay with me

No Way Back
by 8mm

sigh...

2006-12-05T20:53:00.000-08:00

I give a lot.
Most of the time.
I'm lazy.
I demand a lot.
Kind of.
I've learned that I don't demand as much as the next girl.
But I always expect to be treated the way I treat others.
Sometimes, it is definitely easier said than done.
It's not always the case that you get as much as you give.
Le suck.

Hm, well. That could be as close to a rant as I could possibly get. You know, I should mention that I used to love blogging. Maybe the love will return come with time. I used to love to document the life I thought was just fine, simple, nothing else I could have deserved nor have deserved to want to change. Because it was the life given to me. I guess a life given to you is capable of change under your own means, at least in the big picture. Sigh. I don't know why this is bothering me as much as it is. Nothing usually bothers me that much. I usually shake it off within the hour or so. I'm not the type to hold a grudge. In fact, it's one of the most difficult things for me to do is to hold a grudge and be angry to days at a time. For example, during the year or so my boyfriend and I have been together, we could not let the sun set and rise or vice-versa, in a succession, and have stayed angry at one another.

You'll probably tut-tut me and say that it'll happen all in due time. Perhaps it will. So far it hasn't and that's the point I'm trying to make. A year in a relationship with a person you haven't been apart with for more than two days and you practically see one another every day of that relationship, I'll tell you that it's very difficult indeed not to get angry at anything. Holy hell yes, you're probably saying. But the thing is... everything has such a finality when I look at it. It's like... a big blow out, and I try to reason why it happened and I assume a lot... then I come to the conclusion that this fight was because we are not compatible. It isn't going to work. This is going to happen again and keep happening over and over and over. And the reason why is because you don't love me or that you're bored or that you never were really interested in the first place or we're just too different.

You must understand and give me a break a little bit. This is my first real relationship. And when I say real I mean REAL. To the point where you stop caring about how much blanket you're getting at night and freeze yourself to death just so you could make sure that the person sleeping soundly next to you would stay warm. To the point that you're looking into his sorry drunken eyes that probably don't even see you, and as he hurls into the metal bowl you got from the kitchen, you realize you don't want to care for anyone else as much as him.

Sometimes I envy the girlfriends that would do anything for their man. What I mean is in terms of getting up and getting them their beer, warming up their pizza or having dinner all prepared when they get home from work. Doing their laundry and sorting their socks, making sure their bills get paid in time and wash their car. I just can't do it. Sure, I'll help out and everything but I can't play housewife when I'm not a housewife. I've gotten up at four in the morning to go over to his house and take care of him even when I didn't have to, then go to work at six. So I guess I don't have the right to be disappointed when he doesn't come over and see me to spend the night even when he's really tired from work? Just because I didn't have to do it for him? I'm so puzzled.

I think I'm over-analyzing it, certainly, and I guess I'm not making myself clear. It annoys me slightly that I have to tell him that it's important to me. That I absolutely want him here with me. That it almost sounds like I'm begging. That since I spent a night over at his house the night before, I would expect he'd do the same. Ugh, I sound like need cheese with my whine and that's the last thing I want. But he said he was so tired. Can I still be disappointed over such a little thing? Or should I be understanding? I mean, it's just me but if he wanted me to come over and expressed the slightest of disappointment, I would have dragged my ass over there anyway despite feeling like a zombie. Because... I'm the kind that wants to please and please and please. Sometimes... I hate it. Because the disappointment that I feel when I'm not compensated for my eagerness to please is just achingly crappy. And I seriously don't have the right to feel that way, most of the time because I know that I bring it onto myself. I know I don't have to do certain things but I always unconsciously went by the saying that it's the thought that counts. Don't do anything nice for me because I want you to. Do it only when you want to. And that's probably not often as my selfishness can be satisfied with. So I settle. Don't settle? Please. You can't ever go through life without settling on something. And if you think I'm wrong than you're seriously a fool. Ah, but you'll get over it. Just like me.

for every love, there is a consequence...

2006-12-04T19:13:00.000-08:00

It's been a while.

I've been busy.... aka lazy....
and that is my excuse. I need nothing else, ha.
Everything has been moving at a steady pace, but too fast for my liking. Perhaps for everyone else it's going just the way it should. Not for me. I wonder why. It saddens me that I can't grasp onto the time that has been given to me, and hold onto it, and cherish it as long as I want. There's nothing I've really wanted, though, that I haven't found or has been given to me. I found love and kept it, this year and part of last. It's been amazing. A whirlwind. A crazy dream. A fantastic roller coaster ride. An emotional road trip. Meh.

Still jobbing. Oh yes. The J word. Still. Procrastinating. Ugh. I know, I know!!!! If you haven't said it then I've never met you in my life, because seriously, it's as though everyone knows and whomever I meet can practically see the procrastination lingering off of me like summer heat off the pavement in the middle of July. I know it. I have only me to blame.

I've been amusing myself with some things... I have my own computer now. I used to... back in the early Toshiba laptop days before the hard-drive decided to go AWOL and leave me with nothing but a sorry shell with old milk stains from when Shanna's little brother's bowl of cheerios decided to mate with the keyboard. Ugh. So many memories I've typed into that Word document that was once in that hard-drive. TEH SADNESS. Good old highschool days were guaranteed to entertain and depress via Teenage angst from the many pages that accumulated in that "blog," if you will. It wasn't online, and thank the good LORD it wasn't! Pfft. And now you shall have to make do with this, this ultra censored, backwash copy of the rest of my life. Apologies! Feh!

And I was just doing laundry. Went to work today - wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Ultra "slow," or should I say slower than I'm used to? Which is usually fast? Make sense? Neh. So! I just turned 20. What do you think about that? I no longer can call myself a teenager. It saddens as well. BUT! Oh, drinkin times are -a- comin! Next year.... oh yes.

I think I shall leave this alone for now. Good luck kids. I'll blab soon enough.

these days

2006-04-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

it's hard to recover from something that hasn't really left a physical mark, but it was there, it made its presence known. like a memory or a scent. the world, this world, has changed for me without much consequence, and it's hard for me to believe sometimes how much i want time to go by so fast, yet it's disappearing from my grasp faster than i can wish for it.

i have grown to love so deeply i am afraid that this love has the power to either evolve and change me for the better, or destroy everything i have built for myself and perhaps it has the ability for both. this man that god - or some higher influence - has given me has taught me so many things, made me into a better person, has shown me that to face my fears was a way to truly find myself and who i really am, what i can be, my potential. now this of course goes hand in hand; i found that if i were to have and maintain any sort of non-platonic relationship with any individual, they would have to understand that it takes the effort of two people involved and that there was nothing but trials and tribulations ahead that would coincide with the love we'd share. part of that journey would be to fully discover what love is, what it can be, what we would make it to be.

we spent one sunday afternoon in a nearby park basking in sun rays in the cool grass, and i told him how i thought that that one moment that we were in, those slow minutes under the sky, how that moment was a world of our very own, a lone mark in time that outer influences could neither penetrate nor diminish, and that that world would only be broken the minute we rose, dusted ourselves off and walked away. that's how i want to continue to look at it; not necessarily a world to escape to, but a world that i would slowly try and incorporate into our world, and to make every moment of my life that i spend with this man just as beautiful and just as intricate.

everything takes time. everything takes effort. but most of all, it takes understanding and communication. that was one of the hardest lessons i have learned and am still trying to utilize with my everyday living. it's not as though i didn't know it already, but other things always held me back. like my insecurities, like my not knowing the proper way to communicate and when. like my fear. you see, i am hardly a demanding person and if ever i was one, i would be demanding the world from myself, because i'm the only one who could ever possibly understand my desires and inner workings without putting them into words. believe it or not, sometimes words are hard to come by and is one of my biggest problems. i'm a quiet thinker, i'm hardly animated, and sometimes finding the right words is such a challenge. it's difficult for me to write this even, not because i don't know proper english, only because my emotions go beyond such a simple human language.

2005-11-15T17:26:00.000-08:00

there will be times in your life where you think: this is where life really begins.
you meet someone that you're totally in love with, you're comfortable around them yet still get those obnoxious jitters, those insane butterflies in the stomach, the sweaty palms, the loss for words.

it's amazing how this system works.
mad, completely, how things just find a way of happening and then is. i am truly blessed [not enough that i have to use
caps, haha]. there aren't any words that can fully portray how this feels - not any that i can find
that can make people understand, because rarely have i found any that actually do, and it's so freaking frustrating. you have to remember that you only live once. sure, do it
right the first time. but sometimes you've got to explore beyond the dotted line.
get figuratively naked and get metaphorically stripped of your cellophane like a lollipop. faces come and go; you catch and hold onto one that actually matters. the others are supposed to be your practice trials. if life's a game, it's one that's on hella hard mode, with few life-ups.

i was given a speech today, an "oral life lesson," if you will [at lunchtime at work of all places]. i may be partially blinded by my flamboyant youth, but everyone has to go through "this" and "that" or the "other" sometime. people are given speeches every day, people give speeches every day. look where we're at, sorry bastards that we are... no matter how life-changing the speech, people will make their own decisions. decisions are the doors in the big house of life - at least that's the way i see it. sometimes doors that lock automatically behind you and you can't go back. either that or they're the forks in some road in the Middle of Nowhere. *sigh* what was the point of this?

who knows, haha.

Scared is what I am, Happy is what I'm going for

2005-10-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

Blurb: "When life gives you happiness, you dig your claws into it like so..."

))((

I just got back from the bank, the store, then met up with my bud Nikos from work over at Starbucks [ick, but hey, coffee is coffee, wut]... grar... I've been up since 7 and already my head hurts. It is supposed to be my day off, but I just can't seem to stop moving. There seems to be this endless fountain of energy spurting forth from god knows where... but hey, I'm not complaining. It's better than sitting around being a sloth all day, get fat and whatnot. Whatever.

I try to write as often as I can in this blog... a sort of way to keep into account of the goings on of my life, the ups and downs recorded via an online blog among millions, but sometimes it's just so hard to find the time to sit my ass down and do it. I try to keep every event in mind to keep them from being forgotten, to be as honest as I can of who I am, what is happening to me and how I perceive this ornate yet complex environment happening around me. Perhaps I have too much time on my hands, haha, but the truth is I try to make the time, even when it's the most difficult to elaborate and put things into words.

For instance, don't expect of me to write down everything that I feel, because I can't - I probably would if I could, but sometimes things just can't be done by way of the norm, like writing, speaking [of course listening/hearing is part of it]... those intricate yet simple human ways of expression. Perhaps those ways of counteraction just aren't sufficient for me, and I believe we could be capable of something more. For one, I would say the human touch is one of the simplest yet most successful ways of getting feelings across. Just simple light touches... a slight brush of skin, a single fingertip, even a rush of air from deep breathing. Even a slight glance when a pair of eyes catch each other's gaze. For some reason even a longing look feels intimate to me [though of course from someone you feel intimate with]. That may sound naive, yet those simple ways of human communication has not lost its intensity with me, as it has lost its effectiveness with how the world has evolved.

Of course it all depends on the circumstance you find yourself in. Everything cannot come across as gradiose - and also ties in with how you see yourself. "Narcissistic gradiosity is founded on the narcissist's sense of omnipotence, omniscience and omnipresence." There are so many potentials, possibilities that we get lost and confused; our minds have a tendency to lean toward things that are not necessarily truth but what sounds right due to our own opinions and past experiences. Who even knows what truth is, really? Like people say, "Have fun, you only live once." That may be true, you live once, but why screw up that one chance? You can look at things in so many different angles, at times what to believe in anymore is completely obscure.

))((

Urk, sorry, sometimes I go on endlessly that it isn't until I look back at what I'm writing that I realize I have finally gone insane :D But whatever, what's written above isn't what I came here to write. That's for my own personal reference, haha, so ignore it if you will please.

Things are happening at a fast steady pace [so which one is it?! fast or steady?? haha] and I do believe I have a figurative whiplash. I try to take things as they come; I blame it on myself however, my lack of experience with life, love, all that shit. But sometimes a person can only grow up so fast... guess I'm starting out slightly behind everyone else, in this unforeseen yet inevitable race. Or perhaps I'm going at my own pace..? Which is it, I really don't know. There are a lot of things I don't know [like anyone else you'll ask]. In all honesty, I'll just remain in this happy euphoric state of mind I'm in, for the meantime, and if it doesn't last then screw it. Move on. Things are bound to happen; be it to lose things only to gain certain other things... You're only young once; it's best you do it right the first time around. I hear so many people complaining at where I work that they did not do what they wanted to in the first place, when they had the chance while young, and now grown old there are many things they ended up regretting.

The night that was Rosalia's last at Raleigh Hills, we spoke about the things that she wished she could've done different. How her first love asked her to marry him but she refused because her mother got sick and couldn't leave her and told him not to wait for her. Years later she meets him again, while him happily married still for more than a decade, beautiful kids, a house, a job, happiness. While she tells me she looks at how dead-ended she became because she chose someone else - a bitter separated wife from her abusive husband, raising her son while working two jobs and struggling to make ends meet. Now she's met someone who's devoting all his time, effort and love to her and her son, which matters the most to her, and now I see this smile on her face that I do believe I never have seen before.

Makes you think; in that one song by Immortal Technique...
You Never Know.
Love the one you're with / Not simply the person who'll have sex with you.

One fault I find in that way of keeping it real is sometimes you just want to be closer... a friend asked me one time why it had to be such a big deal, this whole intimacy thing - like, what was so wrong with wanting to be closer with the one you love? Which of course he was pertaining to sex... and to answer his question, I just blurted the first thing that came to mind. Maybe to keep the connection real, you don't need the lust that comes along with sex to confuse you with how you really feel. Because, all in all if you look at it, we're really simple creatures. We can only understand, feel, express so much at any given time [haha Déjà Vu].

Hmm, in other words, you make do with the time you're given, you appreciate what you have and who you are with; stop complaining because, 9 out of 10 cases, someone else is a lot worse off. And that's the shitty end of the deal to being happy these days.

Curioser and curioser, the way life shits you, then brings you back up. I've been told I'll get hurt a lot more often than I keep count; if so, then so be it. I'm ready [I think, haha] - I mean, what's life gonna do?? Besides completely fuck with me, but hey, it's my life, just try and try again if at first you fail. Or the second time, or the third, or the fourth...

okay haha joke's over

2005-09-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

right now i'm trying to find something to pass the time until my coworker calls me back... so here it goes:

aight den! my last post sounded really vague... haha. well, i'm definitely not as confused anymore as i was [in fact i think i've just passed the confused factor]. there was just... many questions that flooded my mind, then drained as soon as i found the answers. and wow, my surprise when i received these answers... man, life is strange! fascinating, morbid, incandescent.. yet sometimes it can be quite spectacular. hmm. the residents at my work always murmur how happy and upbeat i am as i walk away, and angeline in 315 always, ALWAYS admires the fact that every morning that i come into her room to deliver her breakfast, how i'm always in such a sunny disposition, always smiling, not a day rolls by that i'm showing how i really feel that day. i always stick to the same happy card, because she says, every time she sees my smiling face, it makes her day a trillion times better. she says that by just looking at my grinning exterior, its like there never was a gray day. just hearing that makes me a lot happier. le sigh... hehe.

so i'm fickle! so sue me. i begin to trust people when they begin to trust me. give and take sorta thing. nowadays, unfortunately, i take more than i give... and it's sad, but hopefully that'll soon change. in the past month or so, my family and i have gotten closer [my dad and brother are moving up here, in a house we got for them], and i've found a great friend in someone [he knows who he is, hehe] who sees something in me that even i can't begin to see in myself. even when i'm feeling down, there's always something i can look forward to, or something to be enlightened about. i've nothing to complain nor worry about [wholely], and i know this sounds...idk, like i'm talking out of my ass... but it makes me want to do what i can do help the hurricane survivors. shit, no matter who they are or what they've done, i don't think anyone deserves losing everything.

it's sad when there are people out there living out their insecurities in others. they turn a hard shell toward others who they might recognize as their enemy, even when they don't know this person. to me, maturity means that you always see the bright side in people, knowing there is the not-so-bright side, but dealing with it the best way possible anyway. right now i don't hate anyone - to me, that's an emotion that's very hard to express. sure i hate pain, i hate suffering, i hate unnecessary violence... but hate for someone i don't even know is just fucking pathetic. if you think about it, we waste our energy into so many unnecessary things, while we could be doing so many other productive things. we waste our brainpower thinking of new things of how to get up in the world, instead of trying to come up with the cure for the common cold or some shit. we humans always want to see ourselves as being superior to others, be it the animal world, or our fellow species. ah fuck it, why waste my time? it takes just eons for us to get where we are. then we forget who we are sometimes, our limitations, but especially our potential.

i may complain about my job, or about the little things that bother me about my life... but definitely, i think i've got it made compared to most. i've not the time to point out the faults in others when i've so many in myself. but it's true when i say i don't want to be anyone else, but i do want to be a better person as a whole.

I wish people meant what they say more often.

true, that.

o cha?

2005-09-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

listening to: "life's a bitch" -nas
reading: this load of shit i'm writing
blurbanatin': "people start their lives at last when they have something to live for...other than themselves." -einstein

"people who constantly change their handwriting are still trying to figure out who they really are." -me [basically describes me]

)(

At this very moment I am so very confused.

...

You have absolutely no idea. It's incredible how far of an extent my mind can go into such complete and utter disarray - to think I have my shit together would be lying in every possible aspect. My thoughts are scattered and are as organized as the stars themselves. Hmm...

I hoped so much for something that I'll remember and hold close for the rest of my life. It doesn't even have to be something physical; a simple yet encompassing memory would suffice. People find me odd because I get attached to others too quickly, too deeply. Every person that I meet has its unseen mark upon me. Every scar a memory. It isn't that I try - in fact I'd garbage the emotions, unwanted, simply because it hurts too much in the end when I have to eventually turn the car around and forget. Sure, it's all a part of growing up, meeting new people, new friends, new experiences - just the hurt seems to be the inevitable salt and pepper of life. We can never get enough.

I look through my collection of photographs of faces from my past; some bring smiles to my face, and others not so much. Or I put on certain songs that bring certain emotions up to the brim, a stirring that I haven't felt in what seems like eons. I always find myself in this situation. Makes me wonder whether or not it was all my doing that I even ended up in such a...problematic event... but I believe that the fact of life isn't on what will happen because you planned it - in truth if you really look at it, everything happens on its own, you might have SOME influence to the outcomes.

Shan and I have found ourselves in some interesting predicaments of our own, sharing them across some almost 300 miles. I often think about everything - which is the future to my/our stories. I find it almost morbidly amusing that no matter how many times we find "love" in all the wrong places that feel right so many times, we'll always have one another to count on that we will never cease, won't take each other for granted, and especially... we won't ever forget.

Love never fails.

SCHWING!!

2005-08-18T22:11:00.000-07:00

AWOOTIE-WOO...

listening to: to shan eating in my ear... good god...
reading: this month's issue of Wired

)()()(

shan's up here for who knows how long, but hey, i needed something familiar around - and who better than my best friend since 3rd grade? it's also official that we're taking her up to canada with us - she just needed a statement from her mom - like a permission granting her the way to go up there. that struck me as odd; i would think the fact that she's already 18 would be that she wouldn't need her parents' permission anymore. but just as a precaution we might as well bring all the pieces of documentation needed - that would suck if we left it and, well, murphy's law would eventually kick us in the ass.

went to seaside, oregon yesterday as well with vicki - shan's mom, mark, sadie, cindi and shan herself. we rode the bumper cars countless times, it felt like, and even though i ached afterwards i had so much fun. ran around at the beach and buried mark in the sand - tried the boogie board and nearly fell several times. but it was fun. got loads of pictures which i'll put in photobucket whenever i get around to it, haha, one of these days. got shan a really cool b-day present, and cindi a little somethin-somethin, and myself as well... and they're all the same thing, but really quite different. and what is it?? well, it's very useful, but can make you do unproductive things, though it can make think - but perhaps in not quite mainstream ways... can make you laugh, a lot... etc.

that is all. :)

MAJOR MENTAL MELT DOWN

2005-08-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

BLAHDEE BLAH BLAH BLAH

Whoa, I am hella confused right now. Well, kind of... I can understand most things without having them explained. There are some blanks that I'd like filled though, but other than that, I'll live.

Said friend that left... well, hasn't written nor called or any such contact that let's me/us know that he's alive. Perhaps he doesn't care whether or not we care? His friends? I mean, shit, I thought it was always that your friends are always chill with anything that you do, as long as you friggin' tell them that you're aight and all that, etc. We are friends, right? Or maybe I was left in the dark somewhere and ran over by a semi? Haha.

Oh Wow. I've never met such a bigger jerk in my life. There are people out there that I have met though, that are mean to my face, directly and such, but this one takes the cake. It's always the indirect ones that pisses me off the most. Huh. And I seriously thought I couldn't give a big fat putrid piece of pie... but now I find myself thinking about it. Insane, oh yes, indeed, uh-huh! lol And shit man, Rob and all those homies tell me how if it were them, a girl that comes into their lives should never have the power to control their friendship with their boy. I can see how you can push that to the limit, but going beyond that... whoa-kay! Hehe. It's funny at the same time. Which makes it even funnier. Gary tells me I laugh too much. Guess I should stop...? Nah.

Even if feelings change and crap of the like... I believe you should be as truthful to your friends as best as you can. Relationships beyond platonic levels can come and they can go, but your friends [your real ones] will hopefully still be there to build you back up, or some shit like that. They have your back, and you wouldn't even have to think about it. Sure, hurt my feelings or whatever, I'll get over it - JUST GET IT OVER WITH. Don't dance around with the devil in a cold cell block... Don't try to hide it then suddenly - SURPRISE!! A rabbit pulled from a fucking hat... that's the last thing I need. I don't have time to waste over shit like that. For serious. Grab the issue by the nuts, just don't walk around it already. Let's crash into it like a train wreck - Unless you're into that sort of thing, haha.

Also, the more amusing thing to be brought out is the fact that I willingly wasted my time dancing around with this so-called friend. Or just friend. Who the hell knows anymore. I tried my best not to burden, nor hinder, nor be clingy... but I can only be so patient. I am afterall only an average 18 year old girl who hasn't made much of her life but is doing what she wants when she wants to a certain extent. More like saving me from myself... I have HELLA boundaries. I am under strict rules. I abide by them, well... you know how easily you can step over them. When I love, I love with a passion. When I love something, I put it on a pedestal. When I love someone, they make me cry. I don't ever try to lie, cheat or play around with words... I say things only when they're for sure, when there's no doubt to restrict me. So, when I say I love someone, it has to be epic, something not to be easily dismissed. So, when I don't say I love someone but there's this feeling in there somewhere that's growing, pulsing, alive... wanting to be this so-called love but not quite there yet... I'm not going to urge it on and MAKE it into something I want it to be. That shit's gotta come natural.

Don't look for a fairy tale ending [cliche, cliche, cliche...], don't MAKE fairy tale endings, live simply, laugh often, love deeply. DON'T fucking make things worse/more difficult for other people along the way. Shows just how selfish you can be - but hey, that shit's natural, too. So what am I saying? Perhaps everything I've typed out so far is all a bunch of bullshit. So maybe it is. I guess we were built to outstand the worst of all heartbreaks. Meant to find others along the way and they'll help you cope, perhaps help you find something better.

To me, it's been just that. Finding better, more "fluent" relationships. Ones that can waste your time, or make it productive. I'm not quite sure about this one yet... but if anything, true friendship is supposed to be another form of love. That's what I would like to forge with Said Friend. If I love him and he doesn't love me, that's okay. I feel what I like, haha. Feelings are just feelings. They can be as strong as written word on a piece of paper, or something so strong as to be able to shatter glass with the force of it...

or to shatter hearts...

OKAY THEN. And we all fall...
................down............................

Haha, random. In fact, this whole blog was full of random. Eh. Back to my crap life...

Kicked it @ Flavordisk's again last night. Jon said his back's feeling a lot better, which is good... played [if you can call it that, haha] Grand Theft Auto and some shit... two 16oz beer... and I was all set. I like hangin' over there. 'Disk may not think he's a smart guy, but Jesus, how can you not?? Haha, funny as hell, those kooks, I just love it. Rob's doin' all right from what he said. Been hangin with Sleep all this time. His return to Raleigh Hells looks like a 50/50. Who knows tho? Who'd WANT to come back?? Haha. Well, only if he wants to. He also wants to go back to school. Good for him. I'd totally support that shit.

OH MY GAD. Summer is almost overrrrr!! And what have I done?
Haha, I'm not going to worry about what I have or haven't done.
It's about what I'm GOING to do. And once it's done, I'll always
have something else to look forward to.

That's the magic of what is GOING to happen. See? Heh.
It's called "optimism." Try that sometime, too. With a couple of cold ones
and you're all set!

Peace!!

i miss my spongey...

2005-08-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

hmmm....

sad that shan might not be able to go to canada - she is w/o a passport :(
wtf, that fucking sucks!! *sigh* i'm thinking of getting her the kama sutra
book she's always wanted... :) or this thing on sensual masseuse manuevers
and whatnot, hahaha! but i'm being serious, which makes it even funnier...

well, worky poo is just GREAT. not really... it's driving me crazy that i go
against what i say, like saying i'm going to quit but i don't. not that i don't
want to, it's just the prospect of getting a new job is the whole hassle. it's
this great big obstacle that's robbing me of my future.

or something like that.

hung out @ flavordisk's last night with jon and some of flavor's roommates,
watched nip/tuck, haha, had some beers - or i had one, i needed to drive
home and i was already so tired by then... idk, it was weird, sitting on that
couch with all those homies. not weird, it was totally fine with me, i was
pretty chill... just, i don't know, nevermind, haha. i'm not going to explain
myself all the time. i need to maintain SOME level of mystery in my life,
albeit a miniscule amount, but hey, a miniscule amount is still considered
an amount. get me?

it was also funny to see jon all drugged up like he was. poor guy, he collapsed after writing some ill lyrics while with only and al-one, from what i heard, his back was already screwed from a long ago car accident. guess it was a sure sign not to fuck around with words, haha. some people need schooling on that particular topic, playing around with words. after i took a nap, i remembered a line i said before i woke up, "such pretty words aren't meant to come out as lies from such an ugly mouth." haha such a fucked up dream.

talked with marta about applying for a new job at this one place her bro
applied at and got paid $10 an hour... not fuckin' bad! i mean, for a temp job
or something. might do that tuesday. we laughed SO MUCH today about
so many things - like Tony one of the perverted residents, and just...
oh man, we couldn't stop laughing, marta, rosalba and i. they're great pals,
plus coworkers - w/o them, my days at work would be shitty as all get out.
erika and lulu advice me during my lunch break about my guy problems,
haha, oh man, they're so good at that... but erika, out of all of them. she's
been married for 12 years, and she tells me of all the shit she's gone through
with her amor.

"the greatest advice i can give you is this: don't listen to what people say.
only you know what's really going on, only YOU know this guy, because if
something goes wrong, you would have to say at the end 'it was HER/HIM
that told me to do it this way!' no, it doesn't work that way. you have to listen
to your heart - do what feels right to you. if doesn't work out, it doesn't work
out. at least you won't have regrets because somebody else gave you bad
advice."

haha, i loved that. it was great. plus i talked to dast on MSN and on the phone
and he seemed to make me feel better about my woes. but i reassured him
of my revelation, how i couldn't give a big fat one anymore, but he read
right through me. just like rob does. geez. i wish i wasn't so transparent, ha.
but i am. i think i always will be.

that fucking sucks. i tell you hwhat.

and i was too tired today to do anything. i could've gone over to john's to kick
it and have him cook some sort of thai food for me, have a couple cold ones, but
NO, i was too tired. or played some "broken pinball" and watched a sad movie
with dast, but NO, or i could've driven 5 minutes and kicked it over at flavorisk's
again. but NO, i was too damn tired. grar. my head's tellin me yes, but my body's
tellin me ...

yeah, you get the gist. rawr, i rear my ugly head in a silent, typed-out rage! haha
ah man. good times, good times.

i love it.

only because you left me, fucker

2005-08-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

reading: idiot's guide to world conflicts
listening to: [once again] flavordisk beats "mouthful of blood" [shit is illin' i swurr]
blurb: "if i could count the days you're not with me, well, i'd just be amazed that i could actually count anything at all"

))((

Woowoo! Goin' the CANADADADIADADA... as in Vancouver, BC. When? 26th. It's offish. Damn the legal drinking age... it's 19!! Gah... Too bad I'm not an old hag, maybe I wouldn't have to worry so much... :D But naah, man... least ways I'll save a lot more to keep myself from bar-hoppin' n whatnot - maybe next year, haha. ANYWAY, I don't want to be too drunk not to appreciate the fuckin city... People CAN have fun being sober too, y'know. Oh, do you now?? Haha...

Saw Pi [as in 3.14 into infinity] the movie at David's house yesterday [aka Flavordisk of the Sandpeople], and man I loved that movie! I'm definitely buying it. I liked how it was black and white the whole time - also the fact that it was directed by the same guy who made Requiem for a Dream didn't hurt much either. Also the story and plot made one really delve into theoretics involving science and math in nature and how they're interwoven, and it also brings out controversies about both topics. I gave it an A - mucho recommendations!! lol

Dave also hooked me up with some PS software - too bad I couldn't install the CS2 since we only have laptops in the house and no desktops, but whatev, I think I only would really need PS for photo editing and shit like that.

Went with John to LoveJoy Park in P-town on the 8th - that was pretty chill, tho I didn't know it was going to end up like some kind of photo shoot! haahaha Idk, just having my pic taken by other people... it's just weird to me but hopefully one of these days I'll get partially used to it. Loved those falls tho! It was so beautiful out there... and we're talking about going out to that germantown road again... or the Painted Hills for another shoot, that would just make my friggin' year. I really want an 8 megapixel cam so bad... tho John let me test out his Canon Rebel, so that made me a happy panda, haha.

I did get to kick it with Ryan that one day [he lives only 10 minutes away] - we had Quiznos haha, and rented this one German foreign movie which was kinda funny [I don't think it was supposed to be tho hahaha since some guy got blown in two pieces and he was still alive.... but anyway....] then after that I cruised on over to Jon's place where Flavor was at and watched cartoons and listened to Jon argue with his ex on the phone, and chatted a little with Flav and it just pretty chill. He drove me home since my sis took the car, and whaddya know. He lives 5 minutes away from me, haha, that was crazy. While I was in his car, Shan calls me up crying 'cuz of a fight between her mom and her... *sigh* hence the Canada trip - I wanna get her out of Methford for her 18th b-day... and other reasons.

Dast got a broken pinball machine. That kid is crazy, haha, and turning 21 in September. Yah I've got somebody else to buy me booze!! WORD UP! JJJJEAH! hahaha

WHAT A FUCKED UP SUMMER :D :D but hey, I'm not complaining, I got to meet a lot of new people, new friends. "Homies fa life!!" LOL

I turn 19 this fall *eek*

Now THAT makes me a happy panda, haha, as my boss Gary says... that crazy fucker... :P
Peace.

off on another pointless trip

2005-08-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

listening to: el manana by gorillaz and also flavordisk's beats: mouthful of blood

reading: the agony and ecstasy: a biographical novel of michelangelo by irving stone

))((

did i wanna go to kenne-friggin-wick?
not really. but whatever, a chance to go
somewhere for the weekend which i haven't tried that in a while. it's like "wha? a weekend?? wtf is that...??"
haha with the hours i work, mothereffing christ.

i had rosalia work for me sat and sun since i worked for her last weekend. i hate to ask for favors, but well, couldn't help it this time around. i'll bring back pics - be sure to stay tuned - who knows if i'm gonna come back since spending three hours in a car with my parents is sure to drive me insane. :D <-- crazy smile haha.

WOO WOO TRAIN

2005-08-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

oh my shit haha

i'm gonna go hang with a couple of friends today - that should be fun. even tho there are a billion things i should get accomplished first... well, the fact that i have wednesday through sunday off [although sunday looks a little shaky to me] is looking pretty tight right now ;)

ryan wants to go see a movie and have lunch n shit... and jon and flavordisk want to go kick it - how, i dunno, like soccer players i guess :P oh yea! never did get to hang out with brian... that's sad... he said he's comin' around on august 10th so that's not that far away at all. but i'm thinking of asking him if he'd let my sister and i stay at his pad for one night when we go to the coast this weekend [?] that part of the plan's still in the works. whitlock might show me how to ride a motorcycle [by myself], and he's got a place where i could practice. hopefully i won't kill myself too badly haha... also there's frances' house warming on saturday, woo woo...

gah, i'm so tan right now! like bronze... it's insane. i love this skin tone though - makes me feel like i've got enough vitamin c haha [either that or cancer down the road]. anyway, have been talking to lynzee. she's going to college! i'm so happy that people that i've gone to elementary school with have actually done something for themselves. seriously. that kind of shit makes me happy. shit that happens to other people makes me happy. yeah, i just wanted to make that clear, hehe. shan's been talking to her switz boy sam - i still can't get the pic of him 'cuz the file's too big ... gotta find a way to downsize that, haha. anywaysss it'll be hectic for the next couple of weeks :) but i'm happy doing it. looking for another job - yay-er...

anyways, that's it for now. sometimes i'm too lazy to write a whole bunch of other shit down, but eh. maria wanted to kick it with me and rob, but i was... eh. i wasn't feelin' it. would've kicked it with flavor last night but i was already halfway through my third beer - drinking and driving is NOT cool, kids... :P especially a stick shift... yeah. and rob was tellin me like, yesterday? or something like that, no, monday, how jon's tellin him how i'm "flirting" with flavordisk, which i'm not. i hope i'm not coming across as a flirt or anything dumbass like that, that shit's not cool. "do you like him miriam?" rob kept teasing me. what a prick. "you can tell me."

well, of course i denied it 'cuz it's the truth. i barely know him, and that just irritates me, how people are starting rumors on shit they hardly know anything about. yeah, that's my peeve for the day, haha. i'm gonna go develop some film and cleanse myself 'cuz i haven't taken a shower since yesterday!! hahaha aight, peace.

in the middle of the interval

2005-07-31T21:32:00.000-07:00

listening to: uhh track 9...Sound Effects and Overdramatics of The Used's album In Love and Death...whew....

reading: you kiddin' me? I have no time to read...[but time to write this, haha]

blurb:
Some people think I won't make it
but I know that I will
Escape the emptiness
cuz that shit is slow and it kills
the flow and the skill
I made y'all believe that it last
You can make the future
but it starts with LEAVING THE PAST

-Immortal Technique's Leaving The Past

))((

Whoa...am I fucken tired. But I'm not. My body is really tired, it's screaming for me to stop moving, literally - my back aches, my hands shake, my feet throb, my head pounds - and to think some people have never had one day of hard labor. Not to mention I burned my hand, cut my finger, banged my head - haha, worker's comp!! I almost fell too, if Gary hadn't grabbed my arm just in time - the floor was slippery as shit! Good god... it's crazy. But I can't seem to stop. I worked two doubles in a row and I have to work again tomorrow, and the day after that... then I've got two days off, which I'm going to use wisely, hehe, then Friday I work, then I have Sat and Sun off to go to Washington. Woo fucken hoo hooooo.

I've got loads of pictures taken when I hung out with Ryan, with Rob, Dast, etc. And I would've had some taken with Brian, if only my sis hadn't invited these people over after I got off of work. She rented Constantine and that movie was fucken confusing as all hell ... but it was tight. I would have to admit that. VERY trippy... heh.

Marta's trying to hook me up with her 19 year old nephew :0 yeah, I know, weird huh?? lol Do I give people that "I'm so ronery" vibe? Jeez leweez... haha. She tells me in that heavy Spanish accent of hers, "He very cyuuuute..."

"I'm sure he is," I smile and laugh.

She looks me straight in the eye. "But you no care, no?"

I was puzzled. "Uh, I, well... of course I'm curious, heh, who wouldn't be?"

"Somebody who isn't already taken," she answers instantly. Oh yay.

"Oh Marta. Marta, Marta, Marta," I chuckle and shake my head, continue doing the dishes.

"Miriam, Miriam, Miriam..." she answers back. Ah, universal language for "yeah, you know what I mean."

Got Flavordisk's numero. Might kick it with him one of these days... he owes me a disk of his beats afterall. Well, what a way to start out August tomorrow! WTF mang, summer's almost gone :( Where did it go? So many memories. I'll never forget :) Para siempre, as Marta says.

Forever.

dance with the devil

2005-07-28T23:36:00.000-07:00

hung out with ryan today...
haha he's SO hilarious.
but i guess that's what ADHD kids do.
but i already knew that, haaa...
gonna go hang w/ brian after work tmrw...
barnes and noble, here i come!!
:)
p.s. i am a HAPPY PANDA!! ;)
or maybe it's all a cover up??? ugh haha
o well, drown my sorrows somehow.
peace. more details latah.

broke kids

2005-07-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

Wednesday.

The 27th of july. Weird how summer just flies by when you're having fun.

Ha, for serious? Heh. So. Said friend left for a month. I'm not sure how I am right now. Actually, right now at this very moment I'm pretty happy. I hung out with some friends the very same day he left - got faded, had a lot of fun than I ever have had in so long. Went to this one house and had this long conversation with this dude - it was partially the three Coronas I downed, but hey, it made things so much easier to say. I told them my story, ha, I spilled like milk and got sympathy pats and more beer. I just shrugged, grinned and raised my bottle to the stars and started chugging. It was great. My pseudonym is now "Tipsy." How fucken convenient, nyeh?

Saying goodbye was the weirdest feeling ever. Saying goodbye ... we left one another with a smile. I tried laughing and cracking jokes. That's what I do when I'm trying not to end up with a face full of tears. Why make it into such a big production? I'm not a fan of drama - I'm not going to fucken waste my tears. It isn't like we're together [even if I was kind of leaning toward that direction], and even if he came back and saying nothing happened with said girl in said location, it isn't like it would be the truth.

I know. Where is my faith? I have plenty of faith, but not in this one. It just can't happen, especially since we're not together. Officially. I hate that word. Official. Makes me think of handcuffs, police, paperwork, tape ... yeah, something like that, hehe. Don't get me wrong; it isn't like I would never want that. Pledging and all that. I talked to Jeffrey last night and he gave me loads of advice - hilarious, so many things he says just make so much sense. Even if denial wasn't a river in Egypt, it still flowed through my veins. I wanted to defend this guy, I really did, but Jeffrey just opened my eyes until it hurt. "What an asshole," he says, after my story. "If he cared even an ounce about you, he wouldn't have gone, he would've just said to himself, 'screw this. Just being with you is enough for me.' Total asshole... trust me, I know, because I'm one too."

I laughed out loud, heck yes, literally. He went on, "You would know the truth that once he comes back and tells you nothing happened, that's total bullshit. He's only a guy; c'mon. Seriously?" I ate up his words like so much candy. I felt so confused, conflicted, torn. "Now you better do some stuff with other guys while he's gone; if you don't, I'll be very disappointed." I laughed so much at that. It's almost like I better get my tail moving instead of just staying in one place. So very true though. I have no reason to just stand around; the guy himself never said he wanted me to wait - usually that would be because he won't be waiting around either. Sad, but kinda true. What to do? *sigh* Too much thinking I tell you what.

Supposed to hang with a friend tomorrow...that oughta be fun. I should look at this like just another lesson in life. If he came back and still wanted to be "together," "unofficially" or whatever, oh man. I kind of ... I'm not sure... kind of made this decision a while ago. If he went away for a fucken month, and on the event he came back, we'd still be friends but... I wouldn't hang out with him as much as I used to. I don't know. It's like a fucken sequel to a movie that isn't as good as the original, to be continued, to be announced bullshit. He expressed to me as much that the last thing he wanted was to lose me. Once he told me that, I wanted to look at him, just look straight into his eyes as I drove him home after his 40oz and say, "And you think I don't feel the same way about you?" And that's pretty much what happened. I lost him just like he said he didn't want to lose me. I wanted to laugh... like one of those cynical, insanity laughs. Those kinds are scary.

"I'm SOOO gonna get you faded tonight," Maria tells me last night after work. That's what happened. Oh man. :) Well, whatever. Whatever happens, happens. Anna told me that if he's half as great as we think he is, he won't fall in love with this girl again. I wanted to say to her, "Well, he IS only a guy. AND he's only human, so basically we just got shitted." LOL I made it sound like we were sharing. In a way, sure. ;)

There are so many things I've done and regretted doing. But we'll see that if after he returns, we'll just see just how much more things I'm going to have to regret.

Watch out... FUN TIMES AHEAD! Jyeah.
Peace owt.

ur mah urrythang

2005-07-21T02:00:00.000-07:00

so so.

*sigh* i'm SOOO fucken bored. can you tell? hah.
herrrooooooooo....
[AMERICA FUCK YEAH
COMIN' TO SAY THE MOTHERFUCKIN DAY YEAH]

yea sorry, Team America, good god... :S

========================

went to frances 2nd birthday party tonight - or should is say yesterday?
got kinda sauce...but i was all righty then. rob tried to get me to work for him
tomorrow...i was like, c'mon now, seriously? i have some other shit to do but
i feel bad for turning him down like, the fourth time in a row. he begins by telling me how good he's getting at skateboarding - i wanted to say, "you're already good - why didn't you pursue it?" but hey you know, what can i say that would make him listen? then he tells me he fucked up some trick and now his ankle [?] is messed up and it's hard for him to walk or something. geez. some guys need to know when to stop. but they don't. so yeah. then he brings
up the fact that i lied to him and swearing on our friendship about my liking
him a while ago. yes, i lied, i said that it wasn't him i liked, and he already
knew [mostly because torin told him, ugh], but god, it's not a big deal anymore.
it's nothing to me. i see him as my friend more than ever. still he gives me
shit for it. aye. boys.

so yeah, we're fixin up the new house for my parentals. i might paint a mural or
somethin in jocelyn's room :) that oughta be fun...tor went to utah to check out
the university. there was something i wanted to say, or do, before he left but
even i didn't know exactly what that was. so i did nothing, like i usually do, or don't
do... so i told him to be safe over the phone. because, you know, his plane might get
shot down by tutsis. or is it hutus?

hotel rwanda.
*sigh*
nevermind.

all's i know is i miss the shit outta him.
i shouldn't but damnit, i do.
but i'm not gonna tell him that. ehhhh.

shan's going to tacoma today. early, at 7 for the convention. i was supposed to go but i have to work and there's no way i could go. i wonder if jeffrey went...? ha, probably not. that loser. but then again i didn't go, so i'm a loser too. gah.

i can't feel the way i did before

2005-07-14T16:38:00.000-07:00

you're gonna listen to me
like it or not
right now...
i can't feel the way i did before
don't turn your back on me
i won't be
ignored
time won't heal
this damage anymore
don't turn your back on me
i won't be ignored
i can't feel...

..... . .. . ... . .... ... ... . . . .. .... . . ... ... . . . ... ..

listening 2: LP and Jay-Z CD

Gonna have so much to do this weekend. Gah. Plus on top of that I have to work. Why am I complaining?? I'm not...I just ... want to feel like I have something to say. When I really don't. Sad isn't it? Indeed it is. And I also have to figure out if I'm supposed to attend this thing in Tacoma...in the very same week I have this big luau thing at work which is a very big deal because EVERY SERVER will be there to work till night. Good god... *sigh*

AND on top of that I have to worry about a friend going away, somewhere far where I can't follow. I won't tell him that I'm worried exactly...just the fact that I don't want him to leave when we're just beginning our friendship relationship and whatnot. And I like him, Jesus, he already knows that much - as in more than just friends "like" so you get the gist. But I'm going to tell him that more than anything, I want him to:

1) be happy
2) do WHATEVER he wants
3) just follow his heart. Corny huh? Yeah.
4) not even care what I think because in the end you gotta look out for
number 1, and that's himself.

It's hard for me to say things out of my heart. It's harder than squeezing toothpaste back into the tube - and last I heard, that's pretty damn hard to do. That's why I try not to get attached - they shit me one way or the other. Goddamn it. Excuse my French, but seriously though, why do people have to come and go? [I rhymed ha] Geez. Geez, geez, geez.

And now I feel sick to my stomach because ... I'm afraid of losing someone I've only just begun to care deeply about.

Fuck. That word pretty much summarizes it. "That's the way it goes," my sis says. WHY does it have to go that way? It always turns out ugly for me. What've I done to make God angry at me? ARGH. Oh well.

If that's the way it goes, then ... well, what can I do.
Notta.

look me in the eyeball and tell me you see me

2005-07-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

for some reason i like this weather.
...
even if it is kinda chilly and dreary and grey outside, i really don't mind all that much.
seriously.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

maaah..
my weekend was busy. gah. working too much, god i really hate that. i've been losing sleep, it hasn't been that great, holy cow... and that new kid gary is really pissing me off. helping him set out the juices for lunch, i almost blew up at him but then he looked down at me with shining eyes, shining panicked eyes and he said, "i'm sorry! i have dyslexia...it really screws up the little things that i have to do, and it's really hard to do this without your help!"

all of a sudden i just slapped myself in the face. my impatience and anger just simmered away and i took a deep breath, put my hand on his arm and said, "all right man. let's do this. don't worry about it; i'll help you." gary [our boss gary] told me about the "new guy having reading problems" and now i just remembered. or more like i was reminded. jeez, sometimes i don't take the time to think things through. i felt so bad being so impatient with him; that's when the bad person inside of me shows through, haha.

okay, so he might piss me off sometimes, but gary's pretty cool. at times. i mean he can buss really fast now - for some weird reason - and we joke around and shit like we're buddies all of a sudden and poke fun at each other, make stupid ass conversations... well, i'm not complaining...i can't hold grudges for that long. i wish i could sometimes; it'd come in handy when i have nothing to say.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

worked with rob yesterday along with gary. yes, rob still has this attitude like he dislikes me somewhat but won't admit it - but i know he doesn't mean to be mean....he just comes off like that for some reason. he was saying, "over the weekend i've been SO bored that i was actually thinking about calling you."

i answered, "yeah, THANKS a lot! you'd only really think about calling me if there was no one else!"

he just shook his head and chuckled. "see, that's why i didn't call you! i'm a true friend!"

"true friend my ass that never calls me!"

"it's only because you stopped calling me!" and so on and so forth. so he asks what i'm gonna do later on in the day and i give him shit like, "oh my god! my heart...YOU'RE actually asking ME to kick it...?!" and i do some fake drama convulsions from the shock of it all and he just really gets ticked off.

"see, THAT'S why i never call you! you do all that shit!"

"whatever! you never called me so i wouldn't be saying nothin!"

yeah, you can say we're pretty good friends. ha. *deadpan*

so he asks if i wanna kick it and i say yes 'cuz i have nothing else to do [lol] and i wait until he gets done cleaning the ice-cream machine - and THEN i go and try to find my keys and i can't find them, and i tell rob, "i can't find my keys."

he's all, "are you serious??"

"yes." i was silently panicking. i was too tired to be freaking out out loud. haha.

"hmm..." and he walks off. true friend my ass is right.

i watch him as he's cleaning the soft-serve and i'm like, "i bet you anything it was gary - our boss - because he said he's been meaning to hide my keys from me." and rob's just standing there nodding and shit. i keep going back to the place where i left them and could not find them - went up to the second floor to find them twice and asked around - even John the cook tried helping me find them - and then i went back to square a, in the kitchen. then suddenly i see a basket resting on top of the coffee machine and i had this weird feeling in my head. so i reach up for it and guess the fuck what.

there's my keys.

i go back out and show them to rob. "found 'em." i smirk. then he admits it was him all along with a couple chuckles and a grin.
goddamnit.

"i hid them so you would stay and kick it with me," he says and i wanted to punch him right there and then. it was a good thing i didn't really freak out in front of him, gah! from now on i won't leave them out where just anybody could snatch them [like mr. true friend my ass]. i just hate that feeling where you lose your keys and it's like part of your heart just stopped working. the feeling of being trapped closing in - gah!

something like that, haha. so i end up following him to his place, smashin on over in the acura, and we played mario bros - old school - and a bunch of other video games along with a bottle of heffeweizen and a bowl of golden crisps. yum. so it ended up to be a pretty chill evening - he got the whole house to himself, so that was pretty rad, then torin calls him up and ends up coming on over with their friend dom "dominologist" and we had some chocolate cake while they sipped on their 40oz. each. we drew on their table - i just drew shit and of course torin ripped up some paper with his talent which of course he won't admit to that dummy :D then we went to this dude thomas' house, dom and rob in rob's caddy and tor and i in the ac 'cuz i didn't want torin driving after that 40 - he was buzzin for sure, i definitely can tell that much because he wore my bowtie and cumberbund from work...but i think he would do that anyway even if he didn't have anything to drink...i just have a weird feeling... ;)

after a while i had to leave and tor borrowed the caddy and showed me to cornell rd where i could easily find my way home, and that was that ;)

standing in a puddle

2005-07-08T16:09:00.000-07:00

it feels like i'm standing in a puddle all the time.
the rain isn't helping either, but i happen to like the rain. really.
don't believe me? ask the dishes!!

)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(

listen to: flavordisk's "moment too deadly" here. I could listen to that shit all day if I was allowed to.

)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(

i'm highly confused right now. well sort of...at times i even forget to look both ways when crossing the street, and then i remember why we have to do that in the first place. and like a dumbass i was looking up at the sky today, and saw this little droplet falling from the sky, just this single droplet, and then before i realized what it was, it just plopped into my eyeball.

it's like i'm in a dreamstate i can't snap myself out of. all during work today i wasn't in myself. i wasn't myself. i woke up at around 1, almost 2 this morning and i couldn't sleep, i was so restless, but then i was tired enough that my eyes just fell shut on their own. who knows at what time i finally went to bed. there was just too much psycho analysis occurring in my brain at the moment, too much to comprehend and break down. only i could get me, and right now even i don't get me.

i'm going to speak in riddles here. bear with me of my metaphors. i'm nearing an edge so deep, i can't even see the bottom. my emotional cup is filled to the brim, overfilling and spilling, until i'm drowning in it. i feel as though i'm trapped inside a box that i've locked myself in, and i don't even want to escape. i've never been in this situation before. what do i do? nothing? run and hide and make sure i don't leave any loose ends? shiaaat.

i'm not bold enough at times, and too bold too many. i do things that i never finish. i initiate things way too many times and never follow through. i'm not quite sure if i'm meant to do any of this with someone. and like i've been told so many times: I really need to get my priorities straight. and doing that i'll have to put what's on the top of my list to somewhere i can't even see it anymore. that scares the shit out of me.

i'm scared all the time. i may pretend to be so strong, so fearless, at the top of my game but in reality i'm just this very scared little girl. don't get me wrong, i have my tough spots but i'm just not into the whole independent scene you know? not just yet. perhaps i may need more time to grow up. uhh.

))()((

i went to the park blocks yesterday in downtown {?} portland with torin, watched these vagrants fuck around with each other, basketball playas - it was mundanely entertaining, but hey i'm easily entertained. sometimes. lol.

i felt like there was something amiss. like there was something that needed to be done, to be said. but i was just tired. tired of having to feel like i needed to say anything, so i just kept my mouth shut. i always do, until i know it wasn't the time to bumfuck around. ha. bumfuck. oh god.

you know when sometimes you get this feeling about the person sitting next to you, that they're thinking about something similar to you but they won't say anything? i got that shiver down my spine, not quite as tantamount as spider sense but you get the idea. and what was i supposed to say? nothing. exactly. that way nothing will ever be done. right now i'm pretty happy at where i am. or am i? i don't know. i need to think about that for a while longer.

before that, he took me to the burnside skatepark, right underneath burnside bridge where supposedly the loons from jackass made an appearance, and i took pics. at one point i was so happy that i couldn't smile. it's the weirdest feeling, not being able to express how you feel. both verbally and physically.

it's the crappiest feeling in the world.

and when the tide dies down, I'll be covered in seaweed

2005-07-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

blurb: "and when the tide dies down, i'll be covered in seaweed."
random huh.

hmm.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

listening to: eve 6
reading: wired magz stashed in my broham-in-law's office
mood: sore all over, and it's not because of that :P it's because i be an athlete, moron

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

there isn't a lot that's new. today's thursday and i'm off of work, like i was tuesday and wednesday. i get tuesday off again next week, ha, 'cuz i worked a double for aritha this past saturday. now i have to work a double tho, for kevin on saturday night - just trays tho, so i'm happy, i'll be able to get off at 6:30pm. yay-yer. like that's any better? an hour difference sure as fuck is. trust me.

i dunno if jet still wants me to create a logo for him. he has commented many a time that my work is "dark, [emo?], goth..." uh, okay. obviously he hasn't seen dark, emo, goth work just yet, 'cuz my ish is strawberry dumpling compared to some wrist-cutting action of some people. i just like dark colors - sometimes. they sometimes convey a deeper meaning to things that i couldn't pass with lighter, "easter" colors.

saw war of the worlds over the weekend with my sister mel and torin. it was pretty good, i was so surprised. tom cruise went down on the charts but hey, the movie was pretty interesting. the ending kinda sucked ass, could've been better, but most endings could always be better. you just can't win 'em all ;) i saw the big lebowski and rush hour 2 at tor's pad yesterday - i haven't watched that many movies in one day in so long - i can't believe it didn't feel like it was that much. huh. i could probably list a couple reasons why :) o well...

i think shan would be proud to know that i am trying to spread the masseuse love everywhere i am :) back rubs are the shit, but they take a lot out of me, that's why my arms are so sore...but that's what drugs are for. jeesuz. last night after gettin dropped off by tor, my stomach hurt so bad, i don't know what the fuck was wrong with it [i don't think it was torin's cooking of the pasta that did me in - i think i inhaled the food too fast after not eating in a while that day] and so my broham-in-law nursed me back to life with some pepto bismol shit which tastes like backwashed toothpaste water - GROSS. goddamn, but i drank it anyway. and i felt loads better afterwards. i just wonder what made my stomach feel like it got yanked out, driven over then put back in again. hm.

no word yet on this one woman i saw got ran over on beaverton-hillsdale on the 4th...man i'll forever remember how her body smashed against the windshield, hit the ground and rolled a couple yards and she was still twitching, looking up at the sky with these clear blue eyes of hers...that's how close i was, driving home from raleigh hills/work. i stopped at a red light and had to sit there and couldn't take my eyes away from it. yikes.

anywho i'll hit this up later. i feel ... i dunno, like i want some popcorn or something. huh.

cow juice is the shit

2005-07-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

listening to: switchfoot's "learning to breathe"
reading: the calendar...ooh, tuesday...
feeling like: the opposite of throwing up, yeah-yer

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I feel a bit melancholy right now. I hate missing people...it's like this little tiny gap somewhere in your chest that you just can't fill, no figurative caulking can fix it. *sigh* But...doesn't really matter anyways, I'll see them sooner or later if I have anything to do about it :)

I woke up this morning and the first thing that I think of?
Oh come on. Guess.
*smile*

Shiiiit. What am I gonna do with myself. Why should I worry? Everything in life happens and we can't "unhappen" it. It's not like we really have that much control over what happens - they just happen. What the hell am I talking about. Good gravy. See what guys do to my head? It's getting worse to the point where I can't think straight anymore. It's such a cool feeling, but damn I sound like an idiot.

I just looked outside my window and there's a group of three balloons floating in the sky, going up higher and higher. Two red and one blue. I hope your 4th was as awesome as mine :D For me, if nothing happened for the 4th, even if I spent it at home watching random fireworks exploding outside my bedroom window as I lay on my bed reading, I still would've been happy. I just can't figure it out. Not a lot has to happen to me and I'd still be content with it. Or as I like saying, "I don't care what we do, as long as we do it together." So even if I did nothing at all, like watch paint dry in the dark, I would've been just peachy if I were sitting with someone I care about the whole time.

So, and so, and so, and so. I can't write right now. I really am at a loss for words, ha, how about that?

The mask under the mask

2005-07-02T23:46:00.000-07:00

WELL WELL WELL....
welskiskeski...wellycular...wellspectacmungous...

0909090909

All right. I think I'm done blabbing nonsense and random ass shit. With me?
Aight den.

Shiit. So this is how I spend my late midnight alone hours. Ha. Just got back from seeing "Batman [that's right] Begins." HOLY SHIT. It wasn't as bad as it was presumed to be. When I say presumed, I meant presumed by me, but hey whatever right? I'm always so cynical *rubs hairy chin* Yeah so anyways. It was good. Dark. I like that. It wasn't all honky dory and shit, but the kiss scene I could've lived without. It was too Hollywood for me what with the music, but then again what the hell am I saying, the whole thing was dripping with Hollywood scene. But they did it in a very stylish way, IMO. Tightest inventions, it'd make Michael Keaton just about shed a tear.

*sigh* But anyways, worked a double today for Aritha. I kinda had to beg Kevin to let me off at 6:30 instead of an hour later, trading shifts for trays. Haha, when I say beg, I meant threaten. :) No, I just came in the back storage room with him and put my Miriam face on. That face is scary. "Kevin, could I ask you for a BIG favor?" And I mean big. Not.

"Oh, so now you're being nice to me now just because you want something from me?" He gives me the eyebrow raise and a smirk. How annoying he can be, you have no idea.

"Well...yes. BUT...might I say that's a really nice haircut," commenting on his mop chop. Ah the season of summer.

"Let me guess...you want to get off at 6:30 right?" He does this cocky smile of his as he brushes past me, making me having to walk after him.

"Well yeah, you're right."

"Because you worked a double?"

"No, I could care less about that, I work doubles all the time," I say dismissively and he just shakes his head.

"Ah, haha, uh, no, I would have to say no on that one." I think I made a smart-ass comment about something to which I'm not quite sure about. That's the reason for this retort.

"Please Kevin, I'm begging you! I have this rehearsal dinner I have to attend ..." And I made up something even I had trouble lying about. And somehow I ended up leaving at 6:30. But good god though, Kevin would not leave me alone. He's such an awkward kid, being 15 but looking like he's 19. Like I could distinguish the weird ways he's trying not to act, the way he talks, the way he looks at me, I just want to push him out there into the world where he'll learn to mature a little faster. Eh, whatever.

He wouldn't stop whistling and singing and being a total ass, and I just said, "Kevin, I love you like a brother, but please SHUT the fuck up." He just stopped at whatever he was doing and looked at me.

"Now wait, isn't it ROBERTO that you love...like a brother?" And I threw something at him. I think it was a dirty dish rag. Fuck that kid, Jesus. Haha, earlier that day Gary pretended like he was gonna throw an egg at me. I was all, "you wouldn't dare," and he's all, "Oh, you don't think I wouldn't?" I just laughed in his face and went out the door. Next thing I know I'm putting away some dishes and I hear my name called, and I turn and I see this egg flying at me. I step out of the way in time and it just pummels itself on the rubber floormats like white jelly. I was only thankful that shit was hardboiled.

Rosalia keeps going on and on about her husband who hit her and now she has a restraining order on him, but now he's apologized and wants her back and she's having second thoughts. Holy ish, if a guy ever hit me that's like a big fucking red stamp on their forehead that tells me LOSER and to dump his mothafucken ass. Damn.

Tennessee man [haha o man] won't stop with the calls. I really don't know what to do. I need to figure out what to do about it before it gets out of control. :(

I work with Marta and this new kid Gary tomorrow. Or more like today, haha. God, I hope it all goes smoothly. Otherwise good fucken god I'm gonna go insane. Roselle hasn't called me back and SHE'S the one who sent me a text asking to kick it this week, but this week's already over, wtf? Come on people, come thru, COME THRU! ARgh like a pirate.

Also John the cook is SO fucken hilarious. It's weird that our cooks are a little on the strange side. So Kevin asked John what he was doing for the 4th, and he's all, "I don't give a shit." What? hahahaha oh man. That was totally random, especially for John.

I was all, "I bet John's gonna buy a bunch of M80's and make some bottle rockets and cherry bombs and make his own little Civil P-Town War," I pound on the counter and yell, "Let's go blow some shit up!!!!" Oh god, I"m catching it too.

Kev's gonna get his license in a month and now he wants to race his car [dunno what kind it is] against the Acura Integra. Oh my shit, I hope I haven't been mouthing off too much and then get my ass smoked. That would NOT be hilarious.

Besides my "exciting" day, I did get to talk to Shan and Torin. They're the only homies who I don't mind spending minutes on, haha, except maybe for Erin. Mel was telling me when my parents were up here, they were saying one time they were trying to tell me something, about paying some bills and whatever and they said it seemed like I was barely listening, almost like I was dreaming. What? So Mel's telling me that's why I shouldn't go out so much, my head gets lost in certain things that they have trouble finding ways of getting me to do shit I'm supposed to do. Most of the time it's true though, I just work, sleep, go out. Hm.

oh my ish

2005-06-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

It is lovely June the 30th.
What makes it lovely?
'cuz I say it is. That's why, stop asking stupid
questions, stupid. :P

09090909090909090909090

Listening to: LOTS of cd's since I'm burning a bunch for my
best buttie Shan 'cuz I'm cool like that. So for the moment being,
I am currently listening to Cake: Pressure Chief. Badasssssss

Reading: Haunted by Mr. Sir. Palahniuk 5000 [oh god lol]

Mood: TIRED! i NEED HELADO IN MY SYSTEM-O!

090909009090090909090090

So. It's been a while. I can explain, I swear.
Every fucken day, ha. Man, I'm really starting to hate myself.
Nah, I'm good.

*clears throat*

Well, where the FUCk [deliberately with a lower case k] should I begin? Hm. *sigh* For once I'm speechless. Seriously. It's like, the more you feel, the less you've got to say. And now I actually feel that way. Crazy huh? Not really. Well, if I am to say something, it's supposed to stay within this blog. Okay? All right. Otherwise I'm not going to be held responsibile for any crazy ladies/gents that'll come flying from out of thin air. Yeah. That was random. Oh my shit.

-------------
=========

So everyone and their mother knew I had a crush on Rob. Big fucken deal right? Yeah it was. I didn't know I was as easy to read as a nursery rhyme. I wanted to stay cryptic, but I wanted people to understand me at the same time. Huh. Guess you can't have what you want all the time. Duh.

It's pretty much died down [it took about a month but I made it] at work; I haven't heard anything about him and I - well, a few here and there but pretty much I could say the soap opera of Raleigh Hills has gone down the charts considerably and ratings are pretty much zip. That's the good news, hehe. I feel almost bad though at times, it's like I destroyed people's ideas they had for me. OH fucken WELL!

I don't know [and no I really don't know]. I care about other people too much. I try to fix them before I can even fix all the torn up parts of myself. Ya see? I care too much and try to care so little but end up unsuccessful. Goddamnit. *throws random shit on the wall*

I'm so worn in and worn out [sounds like something off of a song...]. Things changed and they stayed changed. Over the course of a month [check it: 30 some odd days, 31 for some months] I found someone. No, I'm not gonna start out with "I found this special someone and just totally fell over heels in fucken lo--" Eh. No. I'm not like that. I sure hope to god not. I'm already full of cheese as it is. Let's not make things any worse, hm?

Okay, what I meant by "I found someone," well, I found a really good friend. Someone I could confide in wholely and not have your back figuratively slashed [and that's hard to find]. I mean, you could confide in some bum off the street and who would they tell your secrets to? So it's even better to confide in someone you know and believe that your secrets are safe with them [well, for the most part anyway, lol]. You know, except for the shit that really doesn't matter. ANYWAY... back to my main subject. [Do we really need to talk about it? Well, that's what this fucken blog is here for!! Jesus.]

So call me a loose fickle nobody, but I went from liking one guy to another. Yeah yeah, what? lol That's what makes me feel bad sometimes. But then I figured out that sometimes you really can't help who or what you like. Usually that shit should just come naturally, if it is really you looking out from your eyes. Did that make sense? Sometimes I don't so I'm just verifying. You'll let me know if I'm not making any sense right? Cool. So about this new friend I found. He's totally tight, and he knows it. He doesn't need anyone to tell him he's tight, because, as I've already brought out, he already knows this [my god somebody kill me till I'm fucken dead]. I mean, I've never before had a friend of this magnitude [man do I love that word: magnitude]. Well, of course I have, but these are under different circumstances. It's like you meet someone and then you part ways, and then you meet them again and you never realized in your life that you would be looking at them twice in the same lifetime. That's how it was for me.

I'm running out of words. But I've gotta do this. Otherwise where would all my memories go?

In all my 18 years I've only really let one person see everything there is to see about me [and that would be Shanna, bud since 3rd grade and patna in crime]. But there's not much to see. Well, kind of. I'd like to think I'm more complicated than I really am when in reality there really should at least be someone in the world who can understand you wholely and still love you anyway. Or something like that. I try not to get close to people too much. I have friends. I have acquaintances. Close encountahs with the first kind....blah blah etc.

But this guy, I don't know how long it'll last - I mean, who knows how long ANYTHING lasts? Except for Bush's reign from '04 to '08....but hey, I'm not here to talk about THAT....but I'm speaking in terms of relationships - be they platonic or romantic. You only do what you can and if it's enough, you move on from there. If it's not, you also move on from there, except for those dumbasses who throw themselves off of buildings or just end their lives somehow just because they can't deal. What's worse than dying? Ending your own life, that's what. But um....this newfound friendship - which is what I call it right now - is quite special. It's not universal, but then again what is. But it's the kind that makes me forget the fact that there are other people on the earth that have their own bullshit to worry about.

It makes me think about Ron and Evelyn at work, who have just gone through their 60+ anniversary and he still spoon feeds her at the table. She's going downhill fast, and once when I was taking their order, I had to blink several times so nobody would see how that effected me. Rob was there working and I could've sworn he noticed how watery my eyes were. I was like, wow. So there really is that kind of love. The kind of love where you can't live without the other. Makes me smirk to think that little 13 year olds with girlfriends/boyfriends say "I love you" to each other, when they really don't know what that means. That three-lettered phrase. Perhaps to them it means, "By the way, we're going out with each other and we have sex and make-out and hold hands and cuddle and talk on the phone for hours on end and flirt and see each other urryday - I'll see you later and do some more of that okay?" Or maybe they think infatuation is pretty much the same thing. It feels almost the same right? Like you meet one another oh say, under half a month or so and you're already calling each other sweetie. Whoa momma. I think it takes a lot longer than a fucken 14 days to develop at least a solid friendship. Or maybe I'm just slow? Yeah, that must be it.

Like, oh what was it that Rob was saying at work? He was telling me about how his friend like, fell in love with this chick in a weekend or a week or something like that, like fell IN LOVE. I was envious of that. But at the same time I was like, "How can anyone fall in love with anyone in just that amount of time? It's impossible."

"It's not impossible," He tells me. "If you really think about falling in love and wanting to fall in love, than it just happens."

Hm. Deductive reasoning is so divine. NOT really. Why am I so cynical??! I hate that part of myself. Why can't I just trust and be done with it and ask questions later?! Why must I overanalyze things? Oh man. Well, I actually have an answer for that. And the answer is...well, it's just who I am. I've tried to change it but then I figured it was part of some glitch in my DNA strand. Like the color of my eyes I can't change, I can't change that overly analytical part of myself. But god do I wanna! lol

So. AS I was saying. :) Well, to put it simply I found a really cool guy to hang out with and I'm starting to really like him [ha, starting to? holy shit what a fucken understatement] and it's weird 'cuz I just got over liking his best friend. He knows this, and so does his bestfriend, which I could've lived without but whatever. Planes aren't crashing on my house so my life isn't totally over...but um, crap I just lost my train of thought - goddamn my cellphone...but...*wracking brain wracking brain wracking brain* oh yeah, and so I hear that he's still totally into this other girl he met before he met me, and I wanted to wait to tell him I liked him until he could figure what he wants to do [as it went with Rob, all I want is for him to be happy with whatever decision plows through his mind and lands on his lap]. I mean, I understand the whole being really into someone, good god, I just got over that shit, it wasn't pretty. It wasn't easy either. If it could be described as an adjective in the dictionary it'd be right next to "FUCKEN HARD SHIT MAN." *sigh* But I learn to face facts. I wanted to ground myself in reality and not wallow in stupid soap shit. It was the first time I actually told the guy I liked that I liked them. Isn't THAT insane. Yeah, it SURE is. :P

Going through all those Ricardos, Tristans, Travis', Seans, Andrews, Ricks, Robs [all in chronological order might I add] and I just wanted to stop and say, "Shit. No more okay? It stops right here." It was always the guy who said something to me and I would always have to wait until they did say something. This time I didn't shit around. haha Shit around. Ok. And so ... I jumped. And I fell really hard on my arse, figuratively speaking. So on the night I'm getting dropped off in front of my house [don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I was all calm inside and was thinking properly but was in fact practically shitting my pants the whole ride over to conjure up the nerve to do what I was about to do next] I open my mouth and it was like autopilot took over. You know Miriam? That crazy bitch in my head that controls everything? Well, she went on a lunchbreak on the event I spilled my guts. Too afraid of getting hurt huh? Again... So yeah, even now I'm not even sure whether or not I regret anything. I don't think I do...I try not to do anything that I regret, but how can you really help that once it's done? Really.

Yeah but I seriously think I might've screwed things up this time. Again, oh man, what else is new?? Haha. *firecrackers go off in the background* Ooh....*ahem* yeah anyway, back to this. Oh joy.

Yeah. The part of me that regrets having said anything ...that part was taking into consideration what he must be going through. I mean, this other girl that he fell in love with...I wouldn't want to pressure him into doing something he wouldn't want to do. I want things to flow naturally. Do what feels right. But I had to go and say something, haha. Who knows. He might still be in love with her. And I really do believe he still does. Who can blame him? But can you really like two people at once? I haven't gone through that, thank god. Gladly I ended my non-platonic feelings for Rob before I ever even felt anything for this dude now. And I'm so relieved. I didn't want to be unfair to anyone, not even to myself. I'm not saying that I don't care whether or not he'll be fair to me, I'm just saying, I want him to feel for the girl he wants more. And I'm not saying it's not frustrating. It is. I just don't wanna get all whiny and stupid. Like a three year old, but seriously. And goddamnit, I wanted to wait until he made up his mind about this other girl before I ever said anything, but I needed...NEEDED to say something. It was fucken driving me nuts. I didn't want to hold back things...I mean, you know how it is when you want it to be different every time you're with someone you care about? Well, yeah. So. I said something. And. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I still think it could've waited some more but it was like I was afraid of it slipping away. Like that perpetual closing door and you wanna run in before it closes and hits you in the face. Yeah, it was something like that.

It's a funny thing too. I confided in Rob at work. I find that so hilarious, haha [<--see? "haha" means I thought it was fucken hilarious]. "Why don't you just tell him you like him?" Rob asks me while we're in my car, and I'm driving him to his friend's house where his car is. "What hurt would it do?"

I glanced sideways at him as we pulled up to a red light. "I don't want to say anything until he knows for sure that he likes me too."

He scoffs at me. Literally, he does that whooshing noise through his nose. Grr. "He already does. Isn't it obvious? Are you just dumb or stupid? How he calls you up literally every day, calls you these pet names...trust me, I think he does." He ends it with a sarcastic naive tone at the end that came quite close to sounding condescending. But anyway.

"That's not the real issue here," I say, shifting to first as the light turns green. "Did he SAY he likes me?"

"Yes!" lol

"Okay, let's say he DOES like me: BUT! I want him to take into consideration the fact that he still likes that other girl." And he scoffs at me again. What the fuck, haha.

He's looking out the window and shaking his head. "Man..." He sighs as though he's exhausted. "You just have no idea..."

I look through the windshield at the rainy day ahead of me and sigh. No shit I don't. Without anyone telling me how am I supposed to know anything. I do know that he briefly had relations with the girl that Rob's into now. I bet he didn't know I knew that. Not like it made any difference anyway. I still like him, that much is obvious - you just can't control who you have seen but maybe who you will see in the future. Or maybe not even that if you think about it, just like you can't help who you like, right?

I think I've written too much. Spilled too much. Remember, anything you read in here is extremely confidential :D haha yeah right. It's the fucken i-net, you never trust anything you put into i-net, much less into fucken myspace haha! I just needed to hit something. Like my fingers against the keys.

HOLY fucking MOLY

2005-05-31T13:31:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes it helps to have faith in someone you love when you have no faith in yourself." -Me [unless some other moron came up with it first]

t u n e s : moby "hotel" CD haha
r e a d i n g : nothing special at the moment
m o o d : drowsy - the second cup of coffee isn't working

Gray Tuesday mornings/afternoons suck.

I went to work yesterday, with, of course, our main subject for the past two or three months. He had allergies really bad, and he looked so worse for wear. I was filling a coffee thing for the ECU, and I feel someone squeeze my arm. I look over my shoulder and he's there, pointing at the floor. I look and down there's a spider. A huge ass spider. First reaction is to lift my foot and stomp the shit out of it BUT...for some reason I felt that wouldn't bode well with Rob. The other part of me wanted to save it.

"What do you want me to do?" I ask and he just shrugs this tired shrug of his. He usually uses body language in the morning since he's too tired to talk. I sigh, trying not to smile too much and set down the coffee thing I was filling up, reach for a styrofoam cup and lid and bent down near the eight legged little bugger. It almost instantly crawled inside the cup and as Rob watched me with tired fascination, I closed the lid on it and headed outside, set the guy free and went back in, tossing the cup. I caught his eye and he smiled. "What?" I ask and he gives me this daunting look, hard to read but it was like he was appreciating me in a different light. Hard to translate.

We talk about what happened Saturday night, how he got really depressed over it. He told me he never actually told anyone just exactly how much that bothered him, his loss at the battle. I was so happy he was actually speaking with me about it. I made it seem like it was absolutely no big deal, that he shouldn't sweat over it, that he knew he did great even though he thought he sucked. But then, came the big discussion that would just about change everything.

I'm organizing the silverware and he's at the dishwasher, and he asks me, "Do you still not have a boyfriend, Miriam?"

My hands paused in their tracks from reaching for a fork, a butterknife, a spoon. Who knows anymore. I glance at him and resume my work. "Oh, yes Rob, I picked someone up at Wax," I said sarcastically, shaking my head.

"So I take that as a no?"

"Yes, it's a no." My heart was pounding; why was he asking me this again?

"Well..." He takes a deep breath, not looking at me but the dishes. "I think I might know who likes you."

I swear I felt a crack run through my heart. "Oh JOY." Was my wonderful reaction.

"Don't sound so cynical," he chuckles. "You don't have to be so pessimistic."

"Well, you can't always expect the greatest in things," I say. "Do I know this guy?"

"Yeah. Actually, I think Torin likes you."

What.

"Oh." Lack of response, lack of response.

So he's standing there in front of the dishwasher telling me all this. Oh my shit.

Basically I had to pry my mouth to operate. I was so dumbfounded like I had just been smacked with a bus. "Th-Then how come he didn't come up and say hi?" At Wax. I do remember now that he was there. Kind of. Or maybe my mind's improvising.

"Because he's SO shy, he's shy when it comes to girls."

"Oh. Well." Still getting aftershocks. I sigh a little and I feel him glance at me in curiosity. "I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone."

He stops at whatever he's doing. "Why do you say that??" I can hear in his tone this disguised suspicion.

I don't look at him but at the silver under my fingers and shrug. "Because it's true..." I take a little longer to continue.

"And?" Because I like you, you ass. Ouch, is this shit really necessary?

Hurts more than a physical wound, but bleeds a little less.

"Well, he didn't actually come right out and SAY he likes you," Rob goes on. "I do know that he likes the way you look."

I scoff a little. "He doesn't even know me." Hypocritical little me. "I don't want someone to like me just because they like the way I look. I want them to like me because they think I'm smart, clever and all that good shit." I was starting to get a little frustrated and I think it showed through.

"I know, I hate having stupid conversations," Rob agrees. Well, he probably didn't realize this was a stupid conversation to be having. Stupid, maybe not, but pointless. Utterly and completely pointless. I guess that sums up to be stupid. "But if you think about it, the first thing you see is the way someone looks, and even though it's sad, it's true. The way someone looks is the first impression on the other person." I hated the fact that he was so right.

I somehow change the subject. Fast forward to lunch break.

We went into the breakroom and check my messages on my cellphone. Then he tells me he wants to call someone, and I ask who, and he smiles mysteriously and says, "You'll see." Oh JOY, I know exactly who he wants to call.

"Wait a sec," I say, and I scroll down my list of contacts until it reaches Torin's number, which Anna gave to me. "Is this who you're going to call?" I hand him the phone and he looks at it. The surprised look on his face was classic.

"Oh...yeah," He mumbles and calls Torin up. Talks to him, tells him he's calling from my phone and whatnot. And after hanging up [I was talking to Zebeda, one of the caregivers], he asks me if I wanted to hang out with him and Torin.

"When?" I ask, and he shrugs, not looking at me, like there was something else on his mind. "When?" I ask again, but he gives a short grunt and pillows his head in his arms. I sit there, a questioning expression darkening my face. THEN he looks through my list of text messages, the ones a friend keep sending to me who's a guy, and he wouldn't give the phone back, teasing me and telling Zebeda some guy from the other side of the states and that's 10 years older than me is in love with me and keeps stalking me. He wouldn't let up for the longest time, and I kicked him under the table but nothing worked - he wouldn't give my phone back. I just sigh and eat my rice crispies [yeah I decided to be cheap that day and grabbed something from the kitchen]. This guy sends the most mixed signals than all the mixed signals I've ever had from anyone put together.

"This guy is so corny! I mean, I can understand liking someone, but damn!" And so on and so forth. He finally gave me my phone back later on, and we moved on to other conversations. I would be talking to Zebeda or Angela and Adelina, and I could feel his eyes on me as I'm laughing my ass off about whatever we were talking about, and when I would look at him, he'd look quickly away, this faraway look in his eyes.

We were taking the garbage out and he was telling me about he girl that Torin used to be with, a Filipino girl. He tells me how Torin showed him pictures of her. He was telling me what he thought, awkwardly as we headed out to the dumpster. "I mean, you are so much hotter than her." For some reason that made me think about how hot he thought Anna was, and didn't make me as flattered as I thought I would be. And I'm thinking that he hasn't even met nor seen this girl in real life, who was he to say that I was supposedly hotter than her? Good gravy. If Torin likes her than she must be quite a piece, lol. Ah well.

We headed back inside, and he goes, "Yeah, so I really do think Torin likes you."

I sigh, just about defeated. I was so tired of being tired, of being passed down like a hand-me-down. "That's too bad," I say.

"That's too bad??" He reiterates. "What do you mean?"

I just smile a tired smile, and head back into the kitchen. End of discussion. For now. It's weird, it's not like I would say anything about it, because he tells me not to talk about it to Torin because it's like a sore spot to talk about or something like that. Well duh, I would think so too. Geez, I'm not THAT dim but I am quite dim.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It was Memorial Day so the managers weren't in at work that day. We hung around each other every chance we got. Just fucked around, like he would grab my shirt collar and pretend to punch me, and I'd actually punch him in the gut and he would be bent double laughing. Or I would set up salads for the room trays and he would take them out of my hands and wrap them in saran wrap for me, then give me the list of juices for the residents and have me help him take them out with him in the dining room. After lunch I came back from room trays, help him buss tables, then all of a sudden I feel a smile creep up onto my face. A moment too late and I try to hide it but he sees and asks me what I'm smiling about.

I bite my lip and frown, saying, "Nothing," but keep smiling anyways. I smiled because I was with him. Simple as that.

"Why are you so secretive?" He asks.

"I'm not," I mumble, smiling still.

He shakes his head. "You are so weird." I go to a table where Fern, one of the kooky old lady residents is sitting, as he's still poking at me at what I'm smiling at, and Fern asks, "Is he annoying you?"

I go, "YES, yes, he's annoying me! He's VERY weird," I grin widely and Rob behind her shakes his head at my idiocy.

"Then I think you should pop him one," Fern says. Rob goes over by me and offers his arm for me to pop.

"Go ahead. Right there. Pop me one." And so I do, lightly, grinning.

"I don't think that helped though, did it?" Fern asks and I laugh out loud.

"No, Fern, I don't think it did." I say.

"She is SO weird," Rob tells her.

Later on...

"I have a game," Rob tells me as he's pureeing a milkshake for us to share. "I'm going to teach you how to rhyme words yet, Miriam."

We head out into the dining room and set up silverware, and I take a sip of his milkshake. "I can't! I can't rhyme words just like that, it's hard."

"Yes you can," He says. "I'll give you a word and you have to try and come up with three words to rhyme with it." and he thinks for a moment. "Transcript."

Oh good gravy. "Um, manuscript?" I laugh and say, "No no, that one sucks. I can't do this."

"Well, it does work anyway, transcript and manuscript," He says. "But manuscript has moe syllables in it. Okay, until you get good, you can come up with one word for me and I'll think up one for you, and you have to come up with one word to rhyme with it." And so it went like that for a while, following each other around in the dining room and rhyming.

"Okay, rhyme exclamation point," I say.

"That's two words."

"So? It's basically one thing." So he does - something about smoking a joint at the end. Haha. Then he gives me 'switchblade' to rhyme. "Um...French maid?"

He chuckles and says, "That's tight. Anything unexpected is tight," as in what the hell does a French maid have to do with a switchblade? Hehe. Then on the second floor balcony, piano music streams down and some black guy's singing beautifully, and Rob tells me he really digs violin and piano music. I tell him so do I - some people think I'm weird because I like hard core music AND soft music as well. Then we end up just sitting there in the dining room, listening to the guy sing some love song. How ironic.

Before we're heading our separate ways, he again asks if I think Torin is cute. "I mean, do you like the way he looks?" He asks.

"Mm...He's not ugly," I say. "I'm not going to be mean." He thought I was trying to lighten up the fact that Torin was ugly. Which he isn't. And I say "see you later" and head toward my car, and it looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he said, 'yeah, see you later.'

I'm at a stoplight and to my left is him going toward Portland, while I'm going the opposite way. He gets a green light and he drives by me, giving me the universal sign for 'call me.' But I don't. I about had enough of him that day, trying to play matchmaker with a guy who already likes someone else and a girl that already likes someone else. Ha, weird.

Talk about fucking DUMB. What to do, what to do. So he tells me he likes this other chick, and he tells me his best friend thinks I'm pretty. He flirts with me constantly - what the hell is that all supposed to mean? But even though he would never like me like that, I just want him to be happy. Seriously. I've never felt like that for anyone before. Kinda creepy. Just being around him makes me happy, and sad when I'm not. Sometimes I think about putting his happiness first before mine. Sad, no?

*sigh* This may not go anywhere, but for now...well, everybody has to get their heart broken sometime or another.

argh

2005-05-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

muse-ic : the CAKE CD - idk what it's called...
book _ oh come on now, i'm not done with invisible monsters yet
mood ! eh. or as georgette at work would say with her hand tilting side to side, "iffy."

09090909090909090909090909

rah rah, and work strikes again.
i REALLY need a vacation. i don't know, there's just something about a repetitive job that kills. it turns a bit mundane on the brain after a while [whoa that rhymed]. or as sam says, "i'd rather be smoking weed right about now than sloppin' this shit around." [sam happens to be the morning cook] right then. okay. and after i bought a $15 bag from him. just kidding. a bag of homemade jerky, weirdo. i'm not like that. at least, not at work. lol

so at work, while i'm getting baskets of breadsticks, gary [my bossy-wossy who is also a 29-year-old manager with an attitude of a college student, which he is] stops on his way out the out-door and asks, "so is rob home?" hold up. i did a double take and i said almost too quickly [please kick me], "i don't know, why would i know? i'm not his keeper." but it may have sounded more like, "idon'tknowwhywouldiknowi'mnothiskeeper." embarrass much? *sigh*

all he did was smirk a little. what. the. fuck?

then after i've clocked out and we're talking about whether or not i'm supposed to work tomorrow, whether rob's covering for me or whatever. then he calls rob up and leaves a message [because, if you haven't already figured it out, rob is: a. barely home. b. barely home. c. why the hell would he answer his boss's call? i mean seriously. c. seriously.]. he leaves a message with the words, "hey it's me gary, [insert random junk] me and miriam are standing here trying to figure out whether or not you're working for her tomorrow [etc. random junk]." yaddayaddayadda. so i have no idea whether or not i'm supposed to work tomorrow, but i do know i'm supposed to go and work for rob tomorrow who's working for marta since marta worked for him today - *fingers take a deep breath* - aah, so yeah, if that made any sense.

so i tell gary that he probably wouldn't check the answering machine, or if he would, he won't be calling back probably. i told him that when i was at his house, the phone would be off the hook and about %90 of the calls would be for him. "all girls," i said sarcastically, but gary didn't catch on.

"that's my boy," he says of rob. "he's a playa." errrr

so gary says, "i would have figured you were more well informed about him than i am, you know, since you and him are all TIGHT and SHIT." [sarcastic much?] okay. my boss just said that. um? and a few weeks ago he goes, while i'm changing the bags on the trash bins, "my mother is the worse singer ever. i mean, she's like mrs. cleaver, she's the classic t.v. mom, she has cookies and lemonade every time someone comes to visit. but when she sings, i swear to GOD - even the cats go 'what the fuck?!' that's how bad she is." yeah. word to ur motha.

2005-05-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

Book [haha yes I do read, rah-rah]: Diary by Chuck Palahniuk [who is a fellow P-lander and the book I bought is autographed - awesome huh]

Tunes: This changes so it's kind of pointless to put it on here

Mood: Fucking bad ass! Ha anyway...

... ........ . .......... . . . . ........... .... . ...... ... .. ...........

Well, went to work earlier today. Story of my life right? LOL Right now I'm munching on fried pork rinds and earlier an almond toffee bar from Starbucks. I've been having weird cravings lately - and my sister was all, "You can't be pregnant...CAN YOU?!?!?!"

Um, yeah. lol No. *sigh sigh* For some reason I actually WANT to go to work tomorrow. I'm also going to New York! If I can't get the time off, I'm really gonna quit my ass from Raleigh Hills. Fuck that man, New York! Think about it. Even if it is only for four days. Hmph. Know what? I'm gonna get back to you later. Something just came up. ;)

Purple Butterfly

2005-05-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Track 11 of Snow Patrol's latest CD...I forgot the name of both the song and the CD...damnit...

Watching as of now: Purple Butterfly [with Zhang Ziyi]

I want to read: Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahnuik

...... ........ .... . ....... ... . ......... . ... .. ....... . .. . ..... . .... . .. ... . .... . ...

Sometimes you think you can't fathom such overwhelming feelings, when you do have them, when you experience them and when you're drowning in them, not quite comprehending.

Others, they can't even take the time to think out of the box, to even perceive what their lives could have been,
what their lives have the potential to become, abusing or simply ignoring the power they have over their existences. It's sad, when one doesn't even know one's own self

.... ........ . . ... ......... . . . .... . .... . . . ....... . . .. .

Work's becoming too weird for me. *smile*

Not that I mind too much, it's just...because. There's a possibility I'm going to New York in mid next month - that should be interesting. For all the obvious reasons I've always wanted to visit New York - I've always had a livid fascination with big metropolitan cities, like a looking but not touching fascination. Like with most things.

Still Rob did the dishes for me. It's a great work load, at least to me it is, to do the dishes. It's all the cook's dishes plus the ones in the dining room of I think, forty some people? It really all depends on how many decide to come down. It usually varies. Then he asks me, as I'm helping him put away the dishes he's washed, when we would hang out again. "I don't know, when will we hang out again?" I ask in response. A question for a question, lol. Then he points out that every time we've hung out, he's the one who had to intiate it. I don't know; for some reason I always wait for the guy to ask, but that's probably old-fashioned nowadays. We started talking about renting House of Flying Daggers [he's really in kung fu movies, it's hilarious] but we kind of got cut short when Gary, our boss, came out from his office and just gave us stares, then silently walked back to his "station." We laughed and continued working. Stupid us, associating on the job. My bad.

Earlier Adelina, the third server, makes a comment while Rob and I were talking in the kitchen. She was preparing the juice glasses while Rob was doing the water glasses, and I was just...standing around pretending to be busy. Sad, I know. But he was making this crack about me being sick and passing it onto people by way of kissing them. Earlier than that he had sat down in the dining room while I was setting the silverware, and he was on his break and he asks me how my boyfriend was doing. Note: I have no boyfriend. So I say, "Oh, he's doing fine. He's trying to get over a cold though," and he smirks and says, "Oh, the one you gave him?" I grin at this little game and mentally shake my head. "Yeah, I guess so."

"I didn't know you could give colds over the phone," he says. I was like, "Whatever," and we got interrupted by something and I had to go into the kitchen. When I came back, he was gone. So then the start of Adelina's comment is inserted here. I tell Rob about this story of my skinny dipping in the neighbor's pool with a couple of guys and some girls, and he says, "So did your boyfriend know about your little thing in the pool?"

"He was one of the guys that were there," I say. It felt like we were reading lines off a manuscript.

"Oh he was?"

"Yes."

"Oh, I was gonna say, if he wasn't then you messed up bad," he grins. I shake my head and sigh.

"What boyfriend...?" I mutter, and he looks taken aback.

"What, you don't have one?"

"No!"

"Oh, I thought you were being all serious and stuff back there -"

"No! Geez..." I guess he was just trying to confirm whether or not I had a boyfriend. Stupid boy. Then comes the part when he was talking about AIDS for some reason and I end up hitting him because of some smart ass comment he made. Playful hitting, of course, and Adelina says, "Okay guys, less flirting, more working," and I scoffed at that. I immediately denied it.

"Flirting?! Yeah right, as if I would flirt with him!" In a way, I was being sarcastic of course. And Rob says something but I couldn't quite remember what it was. Later, while Rob was washing dishes and Adelina and I were in the dining room bussing the tables, I ask her, "Did we really seem like we were flirting?" And she smiles and says, "Yeah, kind of. It's the little things I notice, but it was pretty obvious, the way he talks to you...anybody could tell."

I contemplated on that. "Do you think he likes me?" She looks at me for a second as though to measure the meaning behind that question.

"Why? Do you like him?" And, stupidly, my silence answered her question. "Hmm, I think he does," She ends up saying, smiling all the while. "The way you two talk to one another, how you stay after work to just talk -"

"We don't do that!" I interrupt, but then add, "Well, no usually..."

"I think it's cute though, the way you act around one another," Her smile was growing bigger.

"You won't tell anyone, will you?" I implore her. She better not, but then again it's as if everyone already knows. She promises she won't. But then she said she'll ask him while I'm not around whether or not he does like me. At first I say no, but agree.

"Although he probably won't even tell me even if he does like you," she points out. That's true. I mean, Rob has said he dislikes Adelina anyway. Fat chance of any answer of truth coming from his mouth to her ears.

So I'm about to leave out the sliding doors after I've clocked out, and Rob walks along beside me [he says that the people in the elevator were going to the third floor anyway and that he was just gonna go outside then go through the garage to get to his car]. He says, "So how about that movie...?"

I look sideways at him and ask casually, "Oh yeah, did you want to go see it?" He smiles and shakes his head at my retardity, if that's a word.

"You see, there you go again - you would've just gone out the door and gotten into your car and driven off without another word, without asking me anything," he seemed a little hurt.

"Oh, sorry, well, I'm asking you now," I try again.

"I'm the one that brought it up!"

"I know, but I'm asking you now: Do you want to go see that movie?" I say again, trying to mend whatever it was that I had broken. We're standing next to my car in the rain and I'm shielding my face. He stands there and kind of studies me with those dark eyes of his.

"Okay, yes, but when? And where? Your house or mine?"

I take a long moment to try and decide. Yeah right, long moment? Ha. "Your house - my brother-in-law's having some friends over later on," I fib a little. I think he saw right through me though.

"Okay, your car or mine?"

"Yours."

"So I have to drive you back?"

"Uh, YES." Like, DUH.

He's smiling. "Why are you shading your eyes as though it's sunny?"

I was holding my hand up near my forehead. "Because the rain gets in my eyes." He scoffs as though I was lying. Then we depart, and as he's walking away, he says, "Ask your sister to give me some gas money!"

"Don't worry, I'll give you some!" I yell back and get into my car. It was funny though, on the ride to my house. At times he'd end up in front of me, and at times I'd be in front of him several cars ahead, but somehow just because some putts went ahead on a yellow and got stuck in the middle of the intersection and blocked the cars in front of me was how he ended up getting to my house first. *sigh*

So I changed at my house and he was sitting in the famly room looking at a magazine about the Sheriffs in Oregon, and how there was only one black guy in the picture of the cover. It's so...I don't know, funny but not at how passionate his beliefs are on the corruption of our government, on racism and how totally messed up things really are. We got into that discussion the whole ride to his house, and there wasn't a silent moment at all. He says that talking to Maria is cool and all, but she would never talk to him about the intellectual stuff we actually talk about, and that made me feel better. Tony, one of the guys at work, installed a new system into his car, and it was pretty awesome.

So we get to his house and I meet his sister Danielle again, and he goes and takes a shower while I talk to Erin, a friend from Medford while sitting in the middle of his living room on a bean bag in the shape of red lips. I look around and stare at his kid pictures and I felt all warm and fuzzy. I was still on the bean bag and on the phone, when he gets out of the shower and I could see him in the TV, his reflection as he's standing there looking at the back of my head. So I turn around and kind of glance at him; he was shirtless with a towel around his waist. What the hell else was I supposed to do? I just smirk at him and turn around, continue to talk on the phone. Inside, my butterflies were roiling. I had just seen him, shirtless. Gah. So when I had turned back around he was still there, and I turn away again, and he throws a pen at me, bouncing off my back and I ignore that. I can see his reflection as it slowly descended the stairs into the basement, as though he was eavesdropping on my conversation.

Then he's dressed and I sit on the stairs afterwards, asking him what he was doing in a la-ti-da way. he says nothing and walks by and brushes my legs that are dangling from the stairs with his hand, and asks if I'm ready to go, then he takes it back and says, "You've been ready," and I'm like, "It's okay. I don't care." I didn't, of course. I liked being there, at his house. It made me feel safe for some reason.

So we go to Hollywood videos and on the way there, I tell him about my brothers and how rebellious they used to be, how their reputation was beaten up a long time ago and since it's a small town, everybody knows everybody, and their bad reputation reflected upon me on some people, and the girl I was talking on the phone with kind of shared the same feeling of being shunned by that little town. I tell him how my brother is very strict on where and who I meet - with boys, how he's set against his little sister of becoming involved with the male gender. He makes a comment on how he wasn't going to go after me after hearing how hardcore my older brother is on that subject, and takes it back, saying he didn't really care and I say casually, "You better not," and smile.

We look for movies and peruse at some, and find that House of Flying Daggers is out. So we try and find other movies, and one time he leans against me and I back up against an aisle of movies, but still he kept advancing until he was standing against me and I pull away, making a crack about how I couldn't hold his weight up, since he was about a 100 pounds. He goes, "Hey now, I don't weigh that little," and I was a little relieved at how I lightened the situation. Then as I'm standing and studying some movies, he comes from behind and puts his arms around my shoulders as I continue talking, and wait as he pulls away. I thought it best to keep my mouth shut about him smelling good; but just his closeness was driving me crazy. So I walk away toward the front and ask if they have House of Flying Daggers in, if anyone returned them. Earlier Rob had asked and they said no. So I tried my best approach and they end up saying they have one in - it was pretty weird. So we rent that and this other Samurai movie which we never got the chance to watch. On the ride home he tells me he was seriously thinking about going out with me, and I just wave it off as a joke, but then, it was half-hearted. I said let's just be friends first before anything, and he just smiles and changes the subject right from underneath me.

We go to his house and watch it while his sister makes us breakfast burritos that were delicious. His gigantic dog named Flea was so shy, it took a while for him to warm up to me since Danielle says he doesn't really like people that much. At first we sit on the couch, but then we end up sitting together on the smallish beanbag chair, arm against arm, head against head, thigh against thigh. I felt like we had been friends forever. I didn't feel anything strange from it, it felt natural, comfortable. I wasn't even that frigid. He made several comments at the movie and we talked during some of it, and laughed during some of it and how pretty Zhang Ziyi was.

We innocently flirt and stuff then suddenly he stands up. I sit up too, hugging my knees looking up at him, asking him what he was doing. He kind of was bent over looking at the TV and didn't really answer, then it was like a blur and he was suddenly hooking his arm underneath my legs, and his other arm underneath my back and he lifted me up, bridal style and I cried out, looking straight ahead, not even sure what just happened. I felt his face pressed against my hair on the side of my face and felt as well as heard him breathe in deeply - probably my shampoo or something. I felt his arms trembling. I asked him what he was doing but for a while he didn't answer, he just breathed me in some more before gently setting me back down.

"You're really light," he finally says and I look at him suspiciously.

"Your arms were shaking," I said.

"Really? I didn't feel it."

"Well, I don't want you to break your back." Weird how we're just trying to dance around a situation with words. I get up and get a glass of water as he sits back down and watches more of the movie. I silently sit behind him and watch the back of his head, keeping my distance. What the hell was that all about? I had no clue. Then earlier his friend called and now they were there, knocking on his door. His friend Jesse, some girl named Anna and Josie were there, and while Anna and Josie were being kooks and stretching on the floor and laughing and doing yoga, Rob, Jesse and I were in the living room talking and I watched them wrestle with each other and try kung fu moves - it was hilarious. It seemed like Anna and Josie [Anna's on the pretty side, might I mention] were purposefully trying to be loud and they tried singing but the guys weren't even paying attention to them. I liked Jesse, he was funny and when he would talk, he wouldn't only talk to Rob but me as well. I was sitting on the arm of the couch and they were playing with this air gun in the shape of a .45, and Rob sits down next to me and points the barrel of the gun at my neck, and slides it down slowly, and he mutters, "Sexy," while I just crack up. I felt flattered that he would show how he acts with me in front of his friends like that, and he tells them he's gonna drive me home after I said I'd take a rain check after they asked me if I wanted to go to them to wherever they were gonna go, and I just felt all worn out, since it was after work and all.

I also didn't feel like sharing Rob again. How weird is that?

I laugh a lot with Jesse at the refrigerator because of the dirty magnets they had on there, and we kept piecing them together to create even dirtier sentences, and Jesse just would not stop laughing at the words I put together. I could feel Rob's eyes on me as I grinned and laughed with Jesse, and I felt him watching me. I knew I should've stopped, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to see him jealous.

He drives me home and he misses a turn - purposefully, I have no idea, but I was glad. We took a scenic route and it was raining. We talk some more and when we pulled out of his driveway, I was shivering and he stopped and looked at me, asked me if I wanted to wear his sweater. And so I did. It was like a tent on me, but whatever. I tried to sniff his cologne on it but I said I couldn't smell anything. He just looked over at me and smiled, then back at the road. He then talks about how Jesse's one of his bestest friends, and I knew to keep my distance. He told me once already that he hated it when his ex cheated on him with his best friend.

He loses the remote to his system, and once we get to my house, he pulls into the driveway and gets out, goes and looks for it while I take his sweater off and lay it on his seat. I watch as he searches for it, laughing as he's got his butt in the air, panic driving him at the loss of his remote. Then finally he grins as he closes his hand around it from under the seat, and I close the door to the passenger side and he looks at me for a second, as though about to speak. I break down and say, "Can I have a hug?" Tiredly, as though exhausted, which I was.

He grins and says, "I was actually waiting for it." So I walk over and lightly put my arms around him, but he presses me close, it almost took my breathe away, literally. So we hug for a moment in the rain, and I say goodbye, and walk to my door, watch him drive away and turn the key in the lock. For me, that's when my day officially ended.

And it was only 9:30 P.M.

2005-04-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

in the event of a clash......

listening to: Hysteria, Absolution by Muse [the drumming is excellent in this song]

reading: not anything really, no time!

thinking about: don't ask

Geez, my sister is so weird. And funny. She sent me an e-mail of stuff to do on my day off [and the last thing on the list was to "stop day-dreaming about Rob" - oh come now lol], which I had already spent half the day sleeping and it felt EXCELLEEEEEEENT. Seriously. I haven't felt this awesome in a looooong time. Sleep is so wonderful. Ah. It's even better when you get to sleep WHEN you want and however LONG you want, and not having to worry about going to work the next day. That's just the worst part of it. You always have this nagging bit in the back of your head saying, "Crap - better go sleep now 'cuz I have to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn the next day..."

So anyways. I worked with Rob yesterday. Yes, yes, again. My boss fired two other servers for not coming in and letting him know about it. Those losers. But so now we have to go and fill in the shifts that are missing. Bloody great. Wouldn't you say? And I have to work with Rob tomorrow as well. I only got one day off this week. *sigh* Ah well. Dyed my hair burgundy. I had blonde/brownish streaks in it so the red looks more streaky in the light. Rob tells me he dyed his hair burgundy and black once too and I was like, "huh, weird" You know, just imagining it on him is kinda weird haha. So after I got off of work and done cleaning out the car, I check my phone and see that I had one missed call. And it was him. I call him back and ask if he just called. He confirms it, saying that he needed someone to work for him today [Thursday] since there's this group that wanted him to go up with them to Seattle, some big group but was kind of "underground" or something, not mediocre, yet not quite mainstream, you'd have to be in certain lines to know about it, ya know? "But if you don't want to, if you're too tired than that's totally fine," he says.

"It's not only that," I say. "It's also because my sister's taking the car tomorrow."

"Is that why you cleaned it out?"

"Yeah," Wow, good reasoning, haha, but the biggest reason was because it WAS dirty, and his car was cleaner and I felt like an idiot, lol. Whatever.

So later on we end up hanging out with his friend Josie [who is totally awesome by the way] whom was a little goofy, but I believed she would get along quite well with Shanna's sisters Liza and Rachel - THEY are total goofs and kooks, they're almost like escapees, lol. Josie seemed sane compared to them, lol. Rob tells me Josie also brought a friend along as we were walking toward his car at around 8:40 ish that she met on the bus or something like that. Pretty funny - she was 21 with a very revealing shirt and made her chest pop out like Pepsi, but eh. To each their own. LOL It was funny when he rang our doorbell and of course he was tall enough to look into the door windows to which I have to go on my toes to look through, and he was making these faces and ringing the doorbell more than once. I almost forgot my keys and had to go back in and I said bye to Jeff.

Rob was like, "Oh, if I knew you weren't alone in the house, I would have only rang the doorbell once." Haha oh well. The night weather was almost perfect. It wasn't hot, it wasn't cold either, just a cool breeze, the sky a graying blue. I could smell rain even though I couldn't feel it. "Aren't you cold?" I asked him as we walked toward his car, just for the sake of asking a question. "Hell no," he replies. "It feels so nice out here." I agreed and he updates me of the darkened shadows of heads in the backseat of his car.

For some reason, the fact that I wasn't the only person going with him to wherever didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. In fact, it made me slightly more comfortable. To hear voices and conversations going on behind us as he drove the car and spoke only to me made me more at ease, somehow. His dusty blue Cadillac WAS like a boat as he had previously once told me, but I liked it. But I didn't let on as much as I would have. He was muttering about my early curfew and I just smiled, amused at the fact that he cared and respected the time in which he would have to return me to the house but he thought the time we had to hang out was short. It was true though. And Josie and the girl in the back asked me how old I was, and you know, blah blah blah. But I felt like they could poke fun at my early curfew as much as they wanted. I didn't care. Just as long as I got to sit in the front seat with Rob, instead of in the backseat. That totally made my day as I sat back and rolled down the windows, my hand held out and flying against the wind, my hair randomly whiplashing against my skull. These would be what I called good times as both Rob and I saw lightning illuminate the darkening sky at the same time and yelled out simultaneously. THAT was awesome, I would have to say, mmmhm.

"Maybe we should just go park somewhere and have a picnic and watch the lightning," He was grinning at me. "Haha, I'm all trying to be cheap now."

"That'd be fine with me," I said honestly. Then it started raining a little and I commented on that. "It was all sunny today and now it's raining again."

"Yep, Portland tends to do that," He replies.

"But it feels nice," I say, my hand outstretched to catch the cool drops that fell from overhead.

He glanced a little toward me and nodded slightly. "Yeah," he half smiled. "Yeah it does." Who knows what he was thinking at the moment. So we were having our own little conversation in the front and we didn't realize it but Josie was telling us to roll up the window because she was getting slightly drenched. I thought about how quietly we were talking with each other and she was practically yelling her head off and we couldn't hear her. How weird, and I quickly apologized over and over and Rob pushed the button that rolled up the window. I was slightly embarrassed, not to mention.

So we went to PSU where Josie told us they had pool and air hockey, including cosmic bowling and arcade games. We got out of the car and the two girls quickly made it across the street ahead of us, and I almost went after them when Rob caught a hold of my sweater and dragged me back from the street. "OFF the road," He orders and I laughed at how worried he looked. I knew there were cars coming, but it was funny all the same as I had to adjust my sweater that hung off my shoulder because of his manhandling. I'm kidding.

So we ran after the girls, getting a little rained on and I was surprised at how far Rob hung back from the chicklets, so I slowed down too, not wanting to leave him too far behind. The girls went ahead and I looked behind me once we were in the building and he made a gesture to go through this one door, as though to sneak off somewhere and leave the girls behind. I shook my head and laughed silently. Yeah right. Maybe later. lol

He waited around the corner as the girls went to the loo and I waited outside the Women's bathroom, looking at various flyers stuck on corkscrew bulletins, and they came out and I walked with them, seemingly as though I had been in the loo with them all along and we Rob sitting against the wall in front of the men's. He looked tired but we rushed ahead anyway. We went and played pool, Rob and I against Josie and her friend. I sucked at it, but then again, so did he. The 21 year old was pretty damn good, but then again, she WAS 21. In the middle of playing pool, she takes off her outer shirt and letting it all hang out, and I try to glance at where Rob's eyes were, and of course he would look, I would look too, haha but whatever. He didn't pay that much attention to her, it was weird. And of course Josie, almost my height with dirty blonde/brown hair with turquoise streaks in the back and front, was a bit goofy but I liked her. She made things easier to flow with. Rob buys some candy - Charleston and Laffy Taffy while Josie gets some Mug rootbeer, and the girl gets some M&M's. I didn't have to pay a cent! LOL

While Rob went and bought another game of pool, I went and tried on his hat and the NY insignia on it. I didn't think he would catch me; I figured I'd have it put back by the time he came back, but I was adjusting it and I look up and there he was looking at me, and I self-consciously rip the hat off and throw it against the wall where it was before, and it hits the window and drops to the floor. Everybody laughs and I have the guilty/embarrassed look. Ah well. Later on he gets the hat and dusts it off, giving me this meaningful look like "why youuu...." I just shrug and chuckle. It was weird though, during the pool game. We'd be standing side by side and I feel him staring at me and I look over, glaring at him. "What're you looking at?" I say, swatting him on the arm and he just shakes his head, chuckling. What the hell does that mean??

Once more I go over to him and try to get another bite of his Charleston, and he gives me a questioning look before he gives it to me. "How about a 'please,' or a kiss or something?" In exchange for the candy, and as I chew thoughtfully I say, "How about please?" and I smile and walk away. A kiss huh? Ha. While it wasn't either of us who was taking their shot at pool, he'd be doing the Kung Fu Hustle Axe dance while he's looking at me and I'd be laughing to myself. He does it really well, I swear to god and it's hilarious as hell. Then while I'm taking the shot, he'd be doing his Frodo Baggins impression and almost making me miss a shot. I swear he gets his jollies by making me laugh. Ah well. Once when I was talking to him, my throat was acting up again, and broke in the middle of my sentence and I say that I'm starting to lose my voice. "It's okay," he says solemnly, looking me in the eye. "You don't need to talk anyway," and I kick him slightly, and he laughs and says, "No! I didn't mean it that way -" I knew he didn't, I just wanted to make it seem like he did. Before he made some comment that I can't remember, and I accidently hit him with my pool stick in between the legs. HILARIOUS. He's all, "Hey now, I don't need anything stuck in between my legs."

"Well, good for you," was all I could think of to say.

Towards the end of the second game of pool, he says he doesn't want to play anymore and goes over and tries his hand at the arcade games. The girls amuse themselves with air hockey while I go over and observe him. "What are you playing?" I ask, watching him point the gun at the screen. "Area 51" he says and aims at aliens, joking around as he shoots at their crotchal area. "See, that's the spot you get them, right there..." and I just laugh my ass off. Must be the caffeine.

"Why don't you hold it gangsta style?" I say, referring to the gun, and he does and shakes his head, saying, "It's hard though, aiming with it like that," making me laugh harder. *sigh*

After he loses the game, he asks if I want to play a game with him. "Okay," I agree. "Which one?" He gives me a choice of two of the fighting games and I say it doesn't matter to me, so he chooses the Marvel fighting game, consisting of Marvel characters of the comics. He leans down to my level, looks over at me, then at the screen, almost mocking my height, lol. I choose to be a team of Spiderman and Wolverine, and he chooses...Well, I just know one's a girl, and the other is Cyclops, lol. Must be the caffeine or something, but I just start punching all six buttons simultaneously, and he's losing. Who knows if he's letting me win though. "I'm just winging it," I say. "Just punching buttons - it's just what caffeine does to me."

"But you're really good at it, the whole winging it and punching buttons thing," He comments and I just shrug. "Ah, Wolverine and Cyclops are arch enemies, you know."

"Of course, because of Jean," I say and he seems amazed.

"Oh, so you know the story huh," He quietly exclaims since he thinks he's the only one who has read Marvel comics before, and I'm like, "of course I do, hehe. I wanna be The Phoenix, because she can do anything."

"Yeah, the Phoenix is tight," He agrees. Once I beat him, I am challenged by a different opponent and beat him too. After that I look over at Rob as he's watching my progress and I back away from the controls. "Here," I say, physically moving him by my hands on his back and pushing and pulling him to where I was. "You do it!" I didn't want him to get bored just standing there and watching me. So he's like, "Oh-kay," and starts pushing buttons and I help him a little, by punching buttons right along with him and we yell at the screen at the same time. For a little while I forget about the other girls we came here with.

Once it was all over, we start walking toward the pool table area where the air hockey was, and he says, "That was intense, Miriam. Very intense." I just smile and agree. "Yeah. Yeah it was."

We start heading back toward the car since it was 10 already, and we started walking off without the girls, so I stepped in front of this gigantic fan to cool myself off and he just stood there, watching me. To pass the silence, I started talking about rapping really fast, like Twista, and that gets him going. He says he's been rapping for 2 years, etc. We come to this long hallway with slight curving hills and earlier we saw chairs with wheels and we talk about how cool it would be if we got some of those and wheeled it down that hallway. I just knew we would do that next time, because earlier he tested one of the chairs out and flew on it, then banged against a wall. It was SO funny.

We start heading for the car outside, taking the long way there since we were on the other side of the building, and I made to go cross the street because the girls were already there and didn't see him move in front of me so I just ran into him. He was all, "What the -" And I just shook my head and said, "I was gonna push you out into the street, sorry --" Then suddenly he stopped, and so I stopped also and he says, "Listen," and he puts his hand on my neck for like, two seconds, and I turned away quickly as a car was passing by us and I saw our chance to cross the road, so we did. We walked side by side to the car with the girls a little ways behind us, and I didn't say anything about it again but instead asked him where he put the car, and he points up ahead and says, "I think I put it where that blue Cadillac is," and I just mumble "retard" as I smile and look away, commenting on this big metal structure/art piece to our left. I have no idea what it was. So anyways, yeah.

So. Of course I've wondered who Josie was to Rob. On the ride home, he tells her something about how everybody would be over at Josie's bedroom tonight, and she was like, "What? Come on now, Rob, be nice," or something to that extent, and he says, "I'm just messing with you, Josie - You're the only person I'd feel comfortable teasing you in that way, so take it as a sign of our friendship," And I was smiling at myself in the window. Friendship, ah, what a wonderful word, lol. Oh yeah, there's this thing that takes your picture if you cross the line at a red light, and guess what. That's what happened to Rob. LOL IT was SOOO funny, ah well. He needed a lesson, seriously.

Almost during the whole ride home we all talked in British accents, it was soo funny! "yes, Suh, Very good, suh" Rob says, then Josie starts singing that one song from the Labyrinth, "Voodoo, you do, remind me of the babe..." and I was all, "Yep, David Bowie. He wore the tightest pants ever." And she laughs and says, "Hell yeah, you could see his package," and I look over and Rob's all shaking his head, muttering to himself, "This is the weirdest conversation ever." and I go on about the movie, and Josie and I agree on the little worm with the scarf and hat saying, "Don't go that way! If you go that way, you'd have gone straight to the castle!" HAHAHAA Anyways.

I tell him that Rosalba wanted me to tell him something in Spanish, but I forgot what it was. "It probably was something like 'Marry Me' or something," He retorts and I give him my unamused look. "But yeah, I asked her to tell me like, five times, but I forgot it anyway."

"That's the same way I am," He says. But the funny thing was, I knew exactly what it was she said. She wanted me to tell him, "Give me a piece of your heart," in Spanish or something to that effect. It sounded too loaded with cheese, but what can you do? LOL we get to my house and he tells me he'll see me at work on Friday, and I get out and Josie gets into the front with him and I close the door for her.

That was my night. Great night, eh? Hehe. ;)

2005-03-23T23:42:00.000-08:00

I am in a dilemma.
Yes. Another one. Isn't it lovely? *dripping with sarcasm*
My life seems to have the pattern of a Scottish kilt. Undeterminable plaid. I swear it.

*sigh* *sighs some more*

And not a call from Reb. I am soooooooo peeved. Perhaps he wasn't what I wanted him to be. Isn't that how it almost always turns out? But still. It may have been fleeting, but the memory of the feeling never goes away. At least not with me. I really feel as though I felt something for him. I'll explain a little more specifically why I theorize in that direction in a moment.

For one thing, I try not to be fickle. I'm slightly fickle. But loosely fickle [???]. I try not to go from one guy to the next. It's not like I like to savor the hurt or anything afterwards, it's just that...knowing there was an actual real feeling there, it's that extra something that makes me linger. Even if there's something else waiting for me, something good and better.

I don't even know if Reb even feels the same way. Like another a hole in the head is what it feels like. Now there are other "opportunities" for me to get to know other guy friends better. And I'm shying away, reluctant, just tapping the surface with my toe, afraid to plunge. I mean, for all I know there has been another girl to whom Reb has grown affectionate towards and it was only I who has been imagining everything from the beginning. And I've become selfish and heartless and only thinking of myself and why he hasn't returned my feelings. Perhaps he was just being friendly, perhaps that's his personality. Perhaps I misread the bloody signals [if he were sending any in the first place; perhaps it is I who has become undoubtedly dim]. I wanted to get to know him better to find out. But no. Since no call, or anything in the slightest, I've begun to feel cut-off, saddened. Though there are friends to confide in, there are others who want to get closer than just "friends." And I'm always thinking, "Wait, I have to see if Reb will still..." Yes. Muy pathetico. Although there is one thing I'm glad about. It's not telling how Reb how I feel. That way I look less of an ass. Standing me up and knowing how I feel about him would be the shit [yea not really].

I try not to let it get me down though. I didn't stay inside and mope on my day off from work on a rainy day. Went with Ivan [another Ptowner] and ate out Teriyaki, and he showed me Clackamas mall to which I have never been. Can you believe I've never went to the Portland zoo? Apparently everyone and their cousin has been there except me. Wow. I'm so sheltered. *sigh* Anyway, Ivan's a pretty awesome guy so far [with an awesome Nikon grr]. The Ukrainian accent doesn't hurt ooooone bit :D [shut up Shan] and it's awesome having a guy friend. Different from a gal friend. At least I don't talk about boys with Ivan [what a relief haha]. Although I would want him to translate guy speak and guy actions. Because they apparently are all foreign languages to me.

This is utter crap.
I'm here feeling sorry for myself and there are people out there who are slowly dying, or are getting dismembered, or who are losing loved ones, can't find homes and starving, selling their bodies for breakfast...

I think I think too much.
"I think therefore I am."
My rewrite: "I think therefore I should now stop."
I feel like crying.
*cries*
Bloody flying poo.
Or as Georgia says: Tres merde.
What dimosity.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRIBUTE TO NICE GIRLS [SNATCHED OFFA MYSPACE]

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood.

This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced.

This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup.

This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere.

But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.So maybe it won't last forever.

Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

When we love, we love like fools

2005-03-22T12:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I want to refuse to believe it,
the fact that boys can be very dim.

What the hell man? Why couldn't God have made them a little smarter? I swear, there would be less zits and wrinkles in this day and age. Honestly.

Now don't immediately assume that I'm a female sexist pig, but well, at least you know I'm being, at the most, truthful. Right? Right. *half smile* or more like *forced smile*

ErLACK...or so what Georgia Nicolson says, haha. Okay well, yesterday I worked till 2:30(ish) and I was finishing up sweeping and in comes Brenda. Sorry. His new codename now is Rebecca. If you really want to know why well too bad. Ask Shan, haha. Anyway.

"Miiiriam," I hear my name called and, argh, it had to be when I was bending over and trying to sweep up a piece of shredded wheat cereal that I happened to step on from my hurry to fill my orders. And you know how shredded wheat is when it's crushed. It gets everywhere.

I look up and almost instantly a disgruntled frown smacks my face. Don't. Ask. Why. Ah crap, you asked why. Jeeeeezus. "Oh, hi," I greet half-heartedly. Or so what I wanted to be half-hearted. May have more came out as cold hearted. Nice touch, eh? "What're you doing here?" I noted, with little effort I must say, that in normal civilian clothes [and out of the work attire that we sport while on the job] he, as in "Rebecca" looks so different. Not as in bad different, just different. He was wearing a t-shirt - I think it said something like California or whatever [what the hell is it with guys and Cali??] and it was big and white. Jeans...skater shoes. Why?? I don't know. I doubt that he even listens to skater music, i.e. punk, punk rock, emo, blah blah blah. Toss in some Bob Marley and there's your boarding tunes.

Anyway, off subject. "I came to pick up my check," he explains. Right. He could've gotten it any time of the day but he happened to get there when I'm about to ship off. *sigh* I can never really understand boys. Maybe I'm not supposed to.

I perk up at the sound of anything monetary, and I suddenly smile and genuine smile. A tired smile but a genuine tired smile at that. "Oh! That's right. I've gotta go pick that up." Then I go back to sweeping while Reb asks Adelina [workmate at the sink] who was working with us earlier. Who was Rosalba. Who has a baby. I did not know. That. Okay I'll stop. Then Reb goes toward the back and says yello to Tim, the new cook.

I think Tim's pretty awesome. He confided in me while I was taking out the trash that he wasn't so sure he wanted to work there. To be truthfully honest, if it wasn't for the people, I wouldn't really want to work there either. "So what do you guys get paid? Minimum wage? Isn't that like, $7 and a quarter now?" he asks me while zipping around to do whatever it is that cooks do.

"I thought it was $7 and 50," was what I said.

"Well, whatever it is, that's pretty little for what you guys do. I mean, you guys bust your ass out there everyday." You bet. But eh. It's a job.

"Actually...I shouldn't be telling you but I don't get paid what everybody else gets paid..." I start to mumble then my eyes dart to the camera fixed to the ceiling corner. Nice. Hope Gary can't lip read, hahahahaha. Ha. "Oh yeah, did you notice all the cameras?" I ask nervously.

"OH yeah, they're everywhere [no shnit]. But they aren't audio though. That's illegal."

"No kidding?? I didn't know that!"

"It's true. They can't video/audio tape you unless they tell you first. That's why audio evidence is dismissable in court because it's against the law to record someone without their knowing it." Whoa. Awesome.

"Hm. Well, I learn something new every day, hahahaha." I swallow a little and start putting trash bags in the bins. "But anyway, as I was saying before," I pause as Tim goes over to see if there was anybody else in the kitchen [*ahem Gary ahem*] who might overhear. "I actually get paid $8."

"No shit? Really?" Yes, mucho ludicrous, I know.

"Yes...I feel a little guilty but, I don't know why I get paid that much more. I think it was because of the job I had before this, I got paid $8 there - guess Gary was a little desperate to hire someone," I smiled. Haha, what a sap, that Gary. Just kidding. No really.

Tim gets in a good laugh. "That's awesome. You should all get paid $8, seeing as how hard you guys work."

I couldn't agree more. "Yeah, and did I tell you how I dressed up for the interview? I wore a suit! A friggin' suit. While everybody else dresses in something in the most formal like, slacks or something. I wore a suit jacket with a skirt that reached above my knees. I was just about hired on the spot." Sad, really. Oh well.

Again Tim gets in a good haha. "Hahahaha that's hilarious!" And so on and so forth. Then he proceeds to tell me about Sam, the other cook, and how bossy he is. I do think Sam is a TAD bossy, but maybe it's because he's been there for a while, longer than most of us except for Rosalba, and he's like, head honcho over the cooks [poor Cheryl, cook numero tres]. But yeah, he thinks Sam's a little on the tight-ass side. Ah well. What can you do.

So I walk out there and "Rebecca's" in the lobby with his check, talking to Edgar the caretaker [who I might add, trimmed his hair surprisingly; just the day before I was telling him it was getting a little too wild, to which I was only teasing but whatever]. "Reb" turns around and smiles at me and urges me to get my check. I only shrug and he asks Kristina the receptionist and overall check horder if he could search for mine in the pile, and she refuses. "Well, can she?" Talking about me. To which again Kristina refuses. Bitch. Then the phone rings and she has to make me wait for a minute while she goes into fake mode. Aye.

I chat a bit with "Reb" and finally Kristina gets some time in her busy schedule to hand me my check, and I open it and voila, lovely lovely lovely mulaaaa. Reb asks how much I got and Kristina says, "You're not allowed to do that." What the hell. So while she's busy doing her office shit, Reb shows me how much he got. Sadness. Then I flash him mine [hahahaha] and his face droops.

"What the hell! You get paid a helluva lot more than I do!" He whispers loudly and I just shh him a little and Kristina turns to us with a frown.

"Is there a reason why you two are standing around here?" And Reb immediate response to that was walking off really quickly while I linger for a moment and say, "Well, because Kristina, you are our favorite person."

There's that doubtful look while the other caretakers sort of smile and laugh. "Oh, see, now they're just trying to be funny," Kristina mutters.

"That was funny? Huh..." And I walk off. Bitch, hahahahhahaha. Anyhoo. Toodle-doo.

I then give Reb directions to my house [not very good directions, but well, I was in a hurry to leave], because I wanted him to pick me up [Mel's idea, not mine, oh no, definitely not mine] and the reason I gave to that was because I didn't have much gas. He says he didn't have much gas either but he would pick me up. I thought we were going to go somewhere tonight but I guess that didn't happen. We sat in the lobby seats while I stood behind his chair and explained my directions. Then he got up to go get Fern [one of the elderly residents] a plastic spoon because she asked for her ice-cream. He comes back while I'm sitting down and looking through the photo album sitting on the table. He sits in a vacant spot behind me and I have to turn around a little to look at him. I told him I wanted to go home first. Freshen up. Yadda.

Then I walk out through the automatic doors and he calls after me. I turn around. "What??"

"So I make a left on...Frederick street??"

"No! It's SW Richard Ct!! What, you can't READ that??" He gave me a funny look and I throw my hands up in the air in frustration. "Aw, Christ!"

"So what's the house number?" We're practically yelling at each other across the asphalt. Funny.

"It's 1-7-7-...." I'm not going to say the whole thing, someone out there might read this and rape me in my room. To which I'd be glad to, hahaha. I'm kidding. For real this time around. I'll letcha know when I get that desperate though. Heaven forbid. Good grief.

So he writes it down [where he got a pen from I have no clue] and I just nod in confirmation and turn around and run. I was too tired to deal with him. I really was. *sigh*

So I was made to wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and
wait
some
more
and the bloody whatsit never came. What the shit. At least call me you facking idiot. [though it'd be long distance for him since I haven't yet changed my area code from 541. Argh] Buy some minutes! Better yet, get a bloody mobile! Nyaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The surprising thing was, I think I was too tired to feel too disappointed. I was a bit relieved. I would have thought I would've cried like a wet rag wrung out, but weird. I was like a dry sponge. Sad. Then Mel persuaded me to call him. Argh. So I called his house and he wasn't home; instead a guy named Travis answered. Whoa. I'm gonna have to ask Reb who this Travis person was. He sounded hott. hahahaha JK. No really.

Guys are so dim. Like 1.5 watt lightbulbs.

If you guys [if there are any males in the audience who is reading this] want to please a girl, you do exactly what you agreed on, be very clear about your intentions [when, where, why, what, how, etc.], and not be so facking dim!!!!

I hope that was clear enough. Damn.

2005-03-11T17:03:00.000-08:00

i've somehow found myself in a strange predicament.
[how i love to use that word argh]
yep. a predicament. a conundrum.
fookockin' hell man, i don't know, i even turned to my friggin CAT for answers.
to which i received none, but if i ever do i'll let ya know. ;)
i've codenamed my like interest. he will now be known as "The Artful Dodger."
Seriously. why? 'cuz!

so anyway, Art and I talked last night on the telephono, and he basically
rehashed of his own predicament of having someone cover for him but
finding no one to take his shift on Sat night. you see, if i were to do it,
i would have to slave away from 7 in the morn to 6:30 in the pm. ooh
sounds mighty tempting....eh....not really. i'm also trying to recover from
the cold virus, goddamn that stupid virus argh. anyway, if i were to do it...
not only would i receive brownie points for Art, but...also i'd get another
rerun of the "Sick Days." fun stuff. not really. and they wouldn't let me work
anyway, not in a place like that, if i were hacking and coughing and sneezing
up a friggin' tranny from my sore throat while on the job. you see what
people do for "love?" stupid people.

the reason why he needs someone to cover for him? he's in a hip-hop[ppity] band
and Sony, or more specifically Epic Records, is wanting him to record a demo
or something like that tonight [Friday night] and Saturday night. that is his
reason, as he spun the web of a tale over satellite signal. how far would a person go for a single
moment of affection? har har not that anything would happen if i DID cover
for him; i'd be too busy trying to cut the endless string of green snot running from my nose
to my finger. excellent imagery, i might add. i'd also look like the pillsbury
dough boy on weed, all puffy and red. ah crap. either way i think i would lose.
catch 22.

fudge.

oh great. sade is playing over the radio. twat the hell's happening with the world?!?!
arghness. oh yeah. i need to put more fuel into erica [the acura dummies]. sesame donut,
across from raleigh hills assisted living, know me as a regular customer now. but i always
order the same thing now; a strawberry-cheese filled croissant. delish. it's funny; i don't know whether or not they're truly complimenting me or just trying to keep my business. "and a strawberry croissant for the beautiful lady," the guy hands me my order. gods, i wish people weren't so devious these days, it's hard telling whether or not they're screwing with my head. i really hate it when people screw with my head.

[this is no ordinary love...
no ordinary loooove...]

argh. somebody needs to change that station. like a pesky bug caught in my ear.
oh yea. i'm so glad i'm not a smoker. i've seen those lungs in those jelly-filled vats.
not pretty, no siree.
my boss is so hilarious. he's like a radio, always singing weird songs like "pizza-pie" you know, that italian song with the moon? yeah....and kelly clarkson songs, and he can do a wicked eminem impers. he's an awesome boss, i'll tell you what. only he won't be so awesome if he
decides to fire Art.
He fired Tom, my favorite cook, argh.
whateva. que sera sera....

RECOMMENDED SONG for the crap-filled hearts: You and Me by Lifehouse

2005-03-08T12:37:00.000-08:00

oh man there are so many things i'd like to say.
though what i say may permanently incriminate me :)
man, i wish i didn't have to work tonight - not because i don't want to work, it's because i have a cold and i feel, most inexplicably, like shit that got crapped on.
and yes, that's bad! lol

so i got welcomed into the merry band of weirdos that work at raleigh hills assisted living. yes, they are crazy - some would have to be a little on the eccentric side to be working at an old folks' home, right? hm, maybe. at least i was. i have never ever before done a job like this, nor have i considered it. what made me do it? who knows. something different. when i saw the position on a piece of paper from the oregon department of unemployment, i felt a strong pull, either that or a push.

i'll tell you how i met rob. i'll tell you nothing else though ;)

i drove to work at approximately 6:45 in the morning [yes, harsh]. i went to the front but realized the doors weren't going to open for me and so i waited...and waited some more. i was a little miffed that gary, my boss, had not told me how to get in other than the front door. then i saw someone walking in the distance - and it was that guy i saw the day i was filling out the paper for this job, the staring guy. he looked tired, yet surprised a little. i decided to put my stone face on, lol, like i was not in the mood to deal with anybody else's shit that morning. he came to the front of the automatic sliding doors near me, and i guess he wasn't special either, the doors wouldn't let him in. so then he turned around and used a rear entrance, where you had to punch in a series of numbers in order to get in. for about five or ten seconds i wouldn't follow him - my pride was shortcircuiting my brain. then i did - i don't know how i got in, i didn't even punch in the correct numbers, but the door opened up to me anyway. how weird. then i see my boss, and he tells me the doors are slightly open, even i could have pried them open with my bare hands. i was still miffed; he had chosen to withhold the secret numbers for me until now. of course i didn't let on.

we got to the kitchens and there was juan, who i had worked with the day before, and there was that guy. gary introduced me to them and the guy, named rob, kind of nodded to me and i purposefully ignored him slightly, like i do all boys who i think are a little on the attractive side. don't ask me why, geez. then gary began telling me what i was to do - the usuals, dishes, get the drinks ready, get the ice for the salad bar, yadda yadda. the whole deal. later on rob introduces himself to me via himself, and then later on asks what my nationality is. why does everyone seem to ask me that?? ah well. so i say filipino - chinese. from my grandmother's side. so he nods and says he has a half brother who's part samoan and half filipino, a big guy. that made me smile but left me thinking he better not be lying to me. he helped me out a lot during the day, and when i was supposed to be filling the room tray orders, he gave me the heads up, nodded to me and said i better get on them otherwise i'll be late. i dismissed it with a wave of my head, panicking a little.

he asked me once if i needed his help with the drinks, and i told him a blunt no, and that seemed to hurt his feelings a little [or so he says later on, haha] and i tell him later on it was because i was afraid of being late. it had nothing to do with him. in fact i thought he was asking me if i WANTED a drink. what a dumbass on my part.

then the big heavy ECU [extensive care unit] cart had to be taken on over, and it's so big [for me anyway], i had my doubts about pushing it all the way to the ECU ward. one of the cooks asks me if i knew where it was so i could take it over there, and i said no, i don't think so, and almost instantly rob jumps in and starts pushing the cart, "here, i'll show you," and motions for me to follow him. juan was standing near and was joking a little with him for some reason, grinning from ear to ear, as though rob wanted me to be alone with him or something like that, and rob only pushed him away, a little embarrassed, telling him to go away while juan exchanged some weird glances with me. i acted like i had absolutely NO idea what was going on. in some cases i really didn't.

skip to after lunch. he asks the cook if he could have a few pieces of the cake, to which the cook says yes. then he asks me if i wanted for them to wait until after i got back taking the food up to the residents and i said yes. then juan i guess wanted to eat them now or something and so i told rob go ahead, don't wait up for me. still he insisted, by saying, "might as well." that way we could all take our 10 minute breaks at the same time.

i purposefully took longer on the room trays; i wanted to see if they really would wait on me. so when i returned i saw the cake sitting there near the coffee maker, and rob walks over and gets a plate and motions to go out toward the dining room again, showing me where my piece of chocolate mint cake was sitting. at first i was confused then not knowing what else to do, i followed after him. at first juan wasn't going to join us; we went into the private dining room that was all set up from something reminiscent to trading spaces, the themed overhead fan right down to the little ornamental colored wicker balls that sat in a bowl that decorated the table. how artsy fartsy. anyway, he sat down on one side of the long rectangular table, and i sat on the other side, conscious of where i should sit. how awkward. we talked about some things, of how much i got paid, about the other workers...things like that. how weird. i was eating cake in a fancy dining room with a guy i barely knew. "are we supposed to eat in here?" i asked once, and he smiled and said no. i just shrugged; okay, whatever. i saw him flinch every time someone would go by the door; like we were going to get caught, haha. i wanted to tell him i had never eaten cake alone with a guy before in a fancy dining room, but i thought that would sound dumb, so i stayed mum and hush about that one.

then juan decided to join us, he was so tired he laid down on the chairs. so was i, but not tired enough as we sat there, eating our cake [juan managed to swap his for a piece of apple pie, lol]. it was fun, sitting there with the guys, finally being able to have the chance to have my butt resting on something soft and to get off my feet. not to mention two funny guys to entertain me, lol. we go back as juan and i set up the tables, i didn't want to be in the kitchen with rob for some reason; i didn't want to make myself feel awkward the whole time. but eventually i had to go back in there to get some silverware since we ran out, and i asked him where they were. he points and they're high up on a shelf and i had to strain to get it and i hear him laugh a little when i finally reach them. i glare at him. "sorry, it's just funny watching you reach up like that, since ...." i roll my eyes and shake my head a little, the smile on my face not helping. "yeah yeah i know, i'm short, shut up." and he continues to laugh while i stomp out of the kitchen, exasperated. same thing happened earlier when i couldn't find the styrofoam cups and they were on the top shelf in the dry storage room. i only said he could get it 'cuz he was tall enough for it, and he agreed. i just said i didn't get enough sleep when i was younger, and he replied, "oh, so that's what it is, huh" damn straight.

juan came back from the kitchen and motioned me over and i was so tired, i shuffled my way over to him, muttering, "what??" as i went. he mentioned how rob wanted to invite me to this chinese dinner thing, and how it was so good he had four plates, blah blah blah and that he was going to bring his girl with him too. i told him i might not be able to since i had a dinner reservation [haha] with my sister and brother-in-law. "why not leave them alone? since you live with them, they'd need a romantic night alone," juan suggested and that had never really occurred to me before. little did i know that that little romantic rendezvous would be cut short.

so i went into the kitchen and discussed it with rob. "you don't have to go if you don't want to; i won't make you," or so he says to that extent. i told him i would see if i could go, i would be there after he got off work. so we agreed on that.

after having dinner at Azteca's with Mel and Jeff, they agreed to let me go and so i drove on over to Raleigh and saw Tom, one of the cooks, walking out. "Hey Tom!" I yelled, smiling. "Hey, you going out now?"I must have had a weird look on my face. "Er, yeah, Juan and Rob wanted me to go with them to get some Chinese or something." the whole thing felt weird after he asked me that question. Then I quickly added, "It's NOT a date!" Tom just nodded, telling me rob was a good guy, blah blah blah, then he asked what movie we were going to see after he began to walk off. my mouth must've sprung a washer or something, because it felt like it was gaping. "a MOVIE???! we're seeing a movie?!" i felt perplexed. "Yeah, that's what he was saying," Tom replied. my shoulders must've sagged a little. "I didn't know we were seeing a movie. Huh...." so i marched into the kitchen and found rob at his usual place at the dishes, and i kicked his shin. don't ask me what led me to do that. shawn was there, the other worker dude and he looked at me like i was insane. rob turns and looks at me and kind of smiled. "i was wondering who would kick me like that," was all he said. that's when i forgot the whole change of plans thing with the movie. "i didn't think you would come," he went on. i kind of stumbled backwards, shaking my head. "yeah, i knew you would think that i wouldn't come," was all i said. "well you'll have to wait 10 or so minutes," he said. "let me just finish up here, then we'll go and wait for juan." i nodded and he introduced me to shawn a little. no, not cute, haha. then i went out again and called shan in the dining room.

i think that's all i'm gonna give up today. have to go take shower and go to work. ;)

2005-03-02T18:45:00.000-08:00

GUESS THE FUDGE WHAT.

I got the job. I am now officially employed yet again. I am now a Dietary Server at Raleigh Hills Assisted Living. Yes, I all know what you're thinking and no, I do not like the smell of your ass.

JK. teehee ;) I actually WANT to work with old people. It makes me feel mature, you nut asses.

So anyway, I was filling out the HELLA long packet, with the exam when I see a HOTTguy!!! YEP, he was going by and I felt someone staring [like I always do], and wow, I looked away for a while. Then I saw the shadow of him, you know outta the corner of my eye, and he's walking purposefully SLOW and I finally gave-in and looked at him. There he was, staring, smiling a little, like people didn't mind being stared at. I didn't really mind. I mean, I don't think I did. Not by him anyway :D Wow. He was HOTT. Holy hell. Funny, of all places.... so yeah, he was wearing a white shirt and black slacks, meaning he's gonna BE WORKING WITH MEEEEEEEEE!!! He had black hair, people, it looked dyed but who gives a care.

PIZZA TIME
!

I hungry. Must masticate.
I'll go bother ya'll some other time.
PEACE. lol

Photobucket

2005-02-26T22:02:00.000-08:00

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

2005-02-26T21:55:00.000-08:00

THE DATE! DUNDUNDUN...NOT A DATE

listening to: you yap so shut yer trap
reading: sacred sacrament by sherryl jordan, the aussie author ;) i should say the new zealand author hehe
blurb: "it was NOT a date!"

so what's your opinion? just because i went with a friend and he's a guy out somewhere doesn't mean it's a date. it doesn't automatically make it a date, argh! haha anyway, shan calls it a "friend date." can we please stop using the word? i mean seriously. eesh. went downtown, had ice-cream, saw a black and white photography gallery, watched this old guy sitting on the sidewalk with a keyboard and singing, haha, it was great. mat is pretty hilarious [er yeah, i won't deny it, there were times when i was thinking how cute he was, shut up]. yes mat with one T. he's a weirdo, lol.

he's got black hair, big beautiful black eyes that like to dig deep into your soul, gives you the shivers every time he looks at you, those kind of eyes. olive-skinned, soft pouty lips that curve a little when he's thinking - he's cuter than i am, lol.

but it wasn't a date. why can't one just have a friend who's a guy and not have any interest in him like that?? jesus christ.

he called me moon-good beautiful. i asked him, kind of awkwardly laughing, what he meant. "haven't you read raging quiet?" holy crap. "hahaha yeah. so?" "you're only beautiful in a moon-good kind of way. and that's many ways." so cute. i meant the thought. yeah. the thought was cute, haha. anyway, i'd like to keep the most intricate details to myself. it's my way of being selfish, i guess, hehe.

Tin-Tin called me - some jackass dumped her on Valentines Day. That's like, a number one rule you have to go by in a relationship! Or to end one...NEVER to do it on the most stupidest day. V-Day. That's why it rhymes with D-day, dur. Anyway. Supposed to go to OMSI tomorrow. Weeeee! Easily Entertained Mir gets to go and play! yayayayayay anyway...

bye.

waaaaaaaaaahahahahaha

2005-02-23T15:18:00.000-08:00

LISTENING TO: HITOMI SHIMATANI'S "ANGELUS"
READING: WHEN BUTTERFLIES KISS
MOOD: HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR UH GOOD
BLURB: "UNTIL MY HANDS BREAK, I'LL CONTINUE TO....PICK MY NOSE!" - rewrite of one of my poems/songs hehe

well, i'm having fun, aren't you??? well, i was so busy yesterday and today [not right now, obviously], trying to get a job - it's so fun! lol not really....i don't know, i decided to get it over with. i read this thing that tila ngyugen wrote about how you should work as hard as you can 'cuz it's not easy [no shit], and it shows how much you want what you're fighting for. she's asian - i think she's really pretty [yet somehow really slutty but whatever]. the song i'm listening to is really good, lol. it's latin themed, but it's sung in Japanese, by Hitomi Shimatani [who's also really pretty, grr], and it makes you wanna dance!! i had it cranked up while talking to the office personnel who refer you whenever you want to apply for a job or whatever, at the oregon department of employment. lovely eh? wonder if she was tapping her fingers while listening lol. i was.

anyways, went to olive garden on sunday - or was it monday? anyway, jeff wants to go to this thing - Portland art museum or something - something fun to do during his birthday which is next month. lalalalala, la la a, la lalalala...okay anyway, er...yeah. hehe. wanna see the sky above beaverton? well, it was like this on saturday so here ya go:

uh, WH-WHY?????

2005-02-17T16:57:00.000-08:00

I kind of met this prof photographer from the Portland/Beaverton area.

She says she wants to photograph me. I'm..REALLY not so sure.

Not because I'm an introvert, it's because, well, there are just some things

I can't let anyone see. EVERYONE has their own insecurities, right? I for one have many of them.

It's stupid sometimes, but....sometimes I just can't stop that nervous feeling in the pit of my

stomach that makes me want to chuck. Oh yeah, I had the same feeling on the day I got my license.

Then there's that impulsive, engulfing anger that I have when I didn't pass the first two times.

Makes me wonder sometimes how many brain cells I'm actually losing every time I do that... ;o)

Anyway, even though I am supposedly old enough to make my own decisions, I'm gonna run it

by Mel first. See what she thinks. Then Shan, lol. It isn't the first time someone who's either semi professional

or just professional wanted to photograph me. Wonder why. There are so many other people out there

that are just as cute and a lot more so - I'd go point them out if someone asked me. Not that I'm not flattered - I am SO unbelievably, ridiculously flattered, it's really rather pathetic.

I'd personally like to see "mediocre" faces in magazines, that'd be so awesome, then the whole idea of "beautiful" would change and most of everyone would be happy [except those that spent a fortune trying to be "beautiful" - that would suck lol]. I think the most beautiful person I ever saw in a magazine was this National Geography face from 17 years ago. Her name was...

Sharbat Gula, I think...I could never even think about pronouncing that, but she had sea-green eyes, from Afghanistan, only a 12/13 year old girl. She was angry as the photographer took the picture, she later on said after the photographer went to find her 17 years later, now a mother and a wife. She didn't need make-up, she didn't need fancy lighting - she was so utterly raw that she was beautiful. At least to me. Anybody else who couldn't pick up on that, wow, they are a dunce. No offense.

Well, supposed to go to the Beaverton library and Bi-Mart with my Bro-in-Law. I wanted to finish A Tree Grows In Brooklyn but who knows. I gotta stop reading so much and get other things finished, besides listening to the Garden State soundtrack I bought yesterday, hehe. Also they had this really awesome sale at Anchor Blue - shirts were like, $1.47, 2.47, 4.27...weird, odd numbers like those, but VERY low prices. ;) it made my day.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

I recommend: Let Go by Frou Frou [#12 in Garden State sndtrck]

Actually, I recommend the whole damn soundtrack! Yeah, really, I do.

"You gotta hear these songs, they will change your life I promise you."

drink up, baby down

mmm, are you in or are you out

leave your things behind

'cause it's all going off without you

excuse me, too busy

you're writing your tragedy

these mishapsyou bubble wrap

when you've no idea what you're like

so let go,

jump in

oh well, whatcha waiting for

it's alright

'cause there's beauty in the

breakdownso let go,

just get in

oh, it's so amazing here

it's alright

'cause there's beauty in the

breakdown

it gains the more it gives

and then it rises with the fall

so hand me that remote

can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure

we've no time for later now

you can't await your own arrival

you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in

oh well, whatcha

waiting forit's alright

'cause there's beauty in the

breakdown

so let go,

just get in

oh, it's so amazing here

it's alright

'cause there's

beauty in

the breakdown

2005-02-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

DROVE AROUND - WENT TO THIS CHINESE PLACE - I THINK IT WAS CALLED JIN MAH OR SOMETHING CHINESE/ASIAN-ISH, LOL WHAT DO I KNOW? WELL THERE WERE A LOT OF ASIANS AROUND - HEHE GUESS I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE. ;) I WENT WITH MY SISTER AND SOME OF HER FRIENDS WERE OVER THERE - FRANCES, ESTHER AND JOY. WOW, ALL OLD FASHIONED NAMES, AT LEAST IN MY OPINION BUT THEY'RE NICE NAMES. I DON'T THINK I'D NAME MY KID ESTHER THOUGH, UNLESS SHE TURNED OUT REALLY PRETTY AND TALENTED, WHICH CASE AT THAT POINT IT WOULDN'T MATTER WHAT THE HECK HER NAME WAS. JOY - SUPPOSEDLY "SLUTTISH," I DUNNO, KIND OF ACTED [?] LIKE IT. "SHOULD I DRESS SEMI SLUTTY, KINDA SLUTTY, OR FULL-ON SLUTTY?" UH WHA?

SO A LITTLE EARLIER ON I WAS ON THE LAPTOP UPSTAIRS AND THERE'S THIS RED SPORTS CAR [HONDA OR SOMETHING LIKE SOME ASIAN IMPORT] THAT KEPT DRIVING PAST MY HOUSE OVER AND OVER. I WAS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO THE WINDOW, THAT'S HOW I COULD SEE IT, LOL. WEIRDOS. OH WELL. WENT TO CITY LIQUIDATORS YESTERDAY - THIS BIG WAREHOUSE WITH A BUNCH AND I MEAN A :BUNCH: OF FURNITURE AND OTHER KNICK KNACKS EVERYWHERE ELSE. DOWNTOWN PORTLAND WAS PRETTY BUSY EVEN ON A SAT - BUT I TOOK SOME PICS OF WHAT I SAW. THERE WAS THIS BIG STATUE OF ELVIS AND BETTY BOOP AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE SHOT WORTHY, SO THOSE ARE GONNA GO ON PRINT, HEHE. KINDA WEIRD DRIVING THE TRUCK - IT'S A TOYOTA TACOMA, IT'S GOT A BIG REAR END. HAD TO GET USED TO THAT A LITTLE OR I MIGHT RUN OVER SOME LITTLE CHILDREN THAT I CAN'T SEE IN THE VISOR. OH WELL :) JK JK

2005-02-10T15:35:00.000-08:00

I DID A STUPID STUPID THING. WELL NOT REALLY STUPID. IT WAS WHOLESOME...LY STUPID. OH WELL.

I STARTED AN ACCOUNT WITH MYSPACE. YEAH. SO EVERYONE'S IN THERE, SO WHAT. HEHE ;) BAM MARGERA [WHO SUPPOSEDLY'S IN THERE TOO] ADDED ME IN THERE 'CUZ I KNEW HIS LAST NAME. LOL I THOUGHT THAT WAS PRETTY HILARIOUS BUT WHATEVER, HE KICKS ASS, THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. I THINK. HM, I FEEL SO CONTRADICTORY TODAY. WHADDYA KNOW?

I LOVE MY HAIR BEING THIS SHORT!! I DON'T KNOW WHY IN THE WORLD I WANTED IT LONG - MAYBE 'CUZ I THOUGHT IT WAS SEXY?? MAN WAS I A DOUCHE. WELL, LEAST I'M GLAD I TRIED SOMETHING KNEW. LIKE FRIGGIN' TWO OR THREE GUYS HAVE ALREADY ADDED ME...HORMONAL CHUMPS. *LOL*

OKAY WELL, GOTTA GO PEE. HEALTHY URINARY TRACTS AND ALL THAT.

2005-02-09T10:23:00.000-08:00

i did it.
i chopped it off.
well not all of it, thank goodness, but my god, the feel of all that hair gone, it feels so...
good, haha~! man...

well, it's really shaggy now. i love it! it's so punkish, hehe. it was a korean lady who did my hair
for only $18! holy cow, huh? that's pretty darn good with the job that she did. i did take pics, but the problem is, i have to find the software and the cord that goes with it! argh. i'm such a ninny. o well, a ninny with a new hairstyle, hehe. i think i'll go short for the next three years. i like it that much, weird huh? that long hair was weighing me down i realize that now. i'm hungry. must go eat!! o, mel had hers layered too, hehe. we had our hair done togetta, hehe. i may sound excited, but i'm not. kidding, lol. okay, off to go masticate. see ya.

2005-02-07T13:58:00.000-08:00

hm.
today is...ah...monday.
the 7th...?
i think it is. anyway, moved to beaverton "portland" yesterday. it rained and
some of my stuff got wet - thank god it had plastic around them. wow. so
weird living away from "home." i guess i should be calling this home now, huh?
i do, in a way. took stanley and dessert with me [my betta and cat]. they seem
to be enjoying themselves tho dessert kinda freaked out on the way up here,
what a weird cat lol. using today as a means for laundry and hanging things up
and whatnot. i feel as tho ppl are mad at me for leaving. i guess i don't blame them; i'd be as mad as hell too, haha. it's just...weird for it to be directed at me.
nice.

got my license on the 3rd - i was pretty spazzed. shan and i went to ashland and looked around - i took some pictures. i hope shan doesn't hold it against me for leaving; it's not like i'm not going to visit. but for some reason i never want to come back and live there, and it isn't because of the people i care about that live there, mind you. it's just...that place. medford. it doesn't sit well with me. the fact that a lot of people there know me and have gossipped and all that crap about me...i'd rather go somewhere where no one would immediately put you in your place and categorize you because they know you/your family or have heard something about you that they didn't particularly like. now here, it's like starting on a clean slate. makes me breathe easier.

i do regret leaving some things behind, i.e. my dad and mom. they won't be able to stand one another for long, i can feel it. i was always the median in their relationship; i could [almost] always tone them down when they're getting fussy at one another [sounds like children; same difference]. i just hope dad will be able to...nevermind.

i'm [so] happy that i can't even think straight. i feel guilty for being happy that i'm up here...what am i supposed to do?

*sigh*

2005-01-30T19:15:00.000-08:00

WELL, TODAY IS SUNDAY.
YEAH. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT.
NAH.

WE WENT TO HOSPITALITY AT LAURIE'S HOUSE UP IN.... LIKE, BOONIES WIZARD OF OZ WHEREVER, TAKES FOREVER TO GET THERE HOUSE. GUESS WHAT? OUT OF NOWHERE, SEAN GOES TO OUR MEETING, BRINGING ALONG HIS HO. MAN. I FORGOT TO TELL HIM NOHO'S! I MEAN, NO HO'S. YEAH. ERGH. EHHH, JUST THE FACT THAT HE'S ACTUALLY DONE SOMETHING THAT WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO, BUT WE'RE ALL WANTING TO DO ANYWAY BUT HAVEN'T YET DONE...ER YEAH, JUST THE FACT THAT HE'S ACTUALLY GOT A GIRLFRIEND (BUT HE DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY HER, HAHA), IT'S JUST A LITTLE ANNOYING. EH.

I WAS KIND OF HOPING THAT HE'D GO TO HOSPITALITY [OH YEAH, EVEN MY BROTHER MARC WENT, MIRACLE OF MIRACLES] BUT HALF NOT. I MEAN, IF HE DID COME, OF COURSE HE'D BRING HIS HANDBAG - I MEAN HIS GIRLFRIEND. TO THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT HOSPITALITY IS, IT'S JUST A LITTLE GET-TOGETHER WITH A "SMALL" GROUP OF PEOPLE, THEREFORE BEING HOSPITALISH (HAHA, ER YEAH...).

WE PEED IN THE WOODS BECAUSE WE WERE TOO LAZY TO TRUDGE ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE HOUSE, AND WE TRIED TO GET LOST BUT IT'S HARD TO GET LOST WHEN YOU'VE GOT A CELLPHONE RINGING OFF THE HOOK AND THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GO IS OFF A LEDGE. I DIDN'T HAVE ANY TASTE IN KILLING MYSELF AT THE POINT.

CALEB AND TINA DROPPED OFF ETHAN AND I THINK THAT VICKIE'S GOING TO WATCH HIM WHILE SHAN GOES TO RACHEL'S [NOT HER SISTER - SOME OTHER RACHEL]. SHE NEEDS A VACATION. I NEED A VACATION. SOMEWHERE THAT'S ACTUALLY WORTHY OF BEING CALLED A VACATION SPOT. BAHAMAS. AAH.

THERE ARE SOME OTHER THINGS I COULD SAY, BUT I DON'T WANNA. YOU'D THINK I COULD SAY ANYTHING ON HERE, BUT ... THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS YOU CAN'T. SORRY. LOL

2005-01-28T16:39:00.000-08:00

BOOK: DREAMLAND BY SARAH DESSEN [TO WHICH I SAY, WHAT KIND OF NAME IS ROGERSON, ANYWAY?!]
CD: I WAAAAAAAAAANT GARDEN STATE SOUNDTRACK! MUWAH...

ARGH MAN, SOMETIMES LIFE SUX [NO, JUST KIDDING, IT DOESN'T]

*SIGH* I'M TRYING TO SAY THAT TODAY'S NOT THAT GREAT. WELL, I COULD SAY IT'S GOING OKAY FOR ME, BUT
FOR MUM, NOT SO GOOD. THE UNEMPLOYMENT GOONS HAVEN'T SENT THE WEEKLY CHECK IN YET; CREDIT'S
ABOUT TO BE RUINED AND IT ISN'T GOING TO BE MINE. IT COULD BE OKAY IF I COULD GIVE MUM WHAT I HAVE
IN THE BANK, BUT THE TROUBLE IS, THE CHECK I SENT TO PROGRESSIVE [MY HEALTH INSURANCE GOONS]
HASN'T REACHED THEM YET, AND IF I GIVE MUM A CHECK FOR $200+, THEN I'LL BE IN DEEP CHIT. CHECK BOUNCES,
AND ALL THAT, PLUS I'M STILL TRYING TO PAY FOR MY LICENSE, WHICH HOPEFULLY I'LL BE ABLE TO GET NEXT WEEK
ON THURSDAY [AND YES, I'M PRAYING MY LITTLE BUM OFF, NOT THAT IT'S DONE ANY GOOD, BUT HEY, THE FAITH'S
STILL TRUCKIN']. ARGH, POOOOOOOOOOP!

AH, ANYWAY, I WATCHED THIS MOVIE THEY MADE ON LINDA MCCARTNEY, PAUL MCCARTNEY'S WIFE [DUH]. IT WAS
ONE OF THOSE WET MOVIES [AND BY WET, SICKO, I MEAN THAT IT MADE ME CRY]. THE GUY WHO PLAYED PAUL WAS
AWESOME, AND PRETTY HOT TOO, I MUST SAY. EH. FRANK, THIS GUY WHO WAS GOING TO HELP SCOTTY MOVE A CAR
OR SOMETHING FROM OUR LOT CAME BY - I LET HIM KNOCK ON THE DOOR THREE TIMES AND I FINALLY OPENED THE
DOOR - TRYING TO SEE IF HE'LL JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE [I'M A HERMIT AT HEART, SEE], BUT NOO, I
HAD TO ANSWER THE BLOODY DOOR. HE "URGED" ME TO CALL SCOTTY SINCE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. AFTER
USING OUR RINGER, HE SAID THANX AND WENT BACK INTO HIS GRAY FORD TRUCK, THIS OLD GROWLING THING THAT
SAT IN OUR DRIVEWAY THAT EVEN THE STRAY CAT WHO WON'T LEAVE US ALONE [EDDIE'S CAT, I BARGAIN] WAS EVEN
AFRAID TO COME NEAR. SO WAS I, BUT I DID ANYWAY.

KRISTEN CALLS [SCOTTY'S WIFE] AND I HAD TO GO OUT THERE AND GIVE THE HANDSET TO BLOODY FRANK WHO I HAD
NO RELATIONS WITH WHATSOEVER, AND HERE I WAS TAKING CALLS FOR HIM. I'M NOBODY'S SECRETARY BESIDES MYSELF,
BUT EH. AFTERWARDS THE PHONE BUSINESS, I TRY TO GO BACK INSIDE AND THE BLOODY OAF WON'T GO AWAY, TRIES FOR
CONVERSATION. "YOU'RE PRETTY...I'M FRANK, WHO ARE YOU?" HE SAYS POMPOUSLY TO ME. ECK. HE'S OLD. "OH, THANKS..." I SAY UNCOMFORTABLY, LOOKING AWAY. AND I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE ANY MAKEUP ON. UGH. "I'M SCOTTY'S STEP-SISTER." "OH, I SEE," HE NODS AND TIPS HIS CHIN TOWARD MY BEANIE, THE BLACK AND WHITE ONE THAT'S RINGED. "LIKE YOUR CAP. WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?" STUPID, I DON'T REMEMBER. "OH, I THINK MY MOM GOT IT. ANYWAY, IT WAS NICE TALKING WITH YOU. BYE." AND I CUT OFF
THAT ABRUPTLY, NO KIDDING. ONCE INSIDE THE SAFETY OF MY HOUSE WITH THE DOOR TWICE-CHECKED FOR LOCKAGE, I
JUMPED UP AND DOWN IN DISGUST. GROSS. I'D RATHER EAT STANLEY, MY BETTA, THEN CANOODLE WITH A DOLT LIKE THAT.

2005-01-27T19:40:00.000-08:00

ARGH! THE LITTLE CHILDREN WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE [MARK, SHANNA'S BROTHER - AND SADIE - SHANNA'S NIECE]. EH, IT'S OKAY. FOR THE MEAN TIME. SO SHAN'S UP IN SHADY COVE RIGHT NOW TAKING CARE OF ETHAN AND CALEB - AT LEAST I THINK SHE'S TAKING CARE OF CALEB - WHO KNOWS. HE BROKE HIS LEG, OF ALL THE DUMBASS THINGS TO DO, BUT WHATEVER. LIKE STEVE SAID, YOU'RE BOUND TO HURT YOURSELF WITH THAT KIND OF HIGH RISK JOB. WHATEVER STEVE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, HEHE :0) NOW I'M HERE AT SHAN'S HOUSE, MARK'S TRYING TO READ OVER MY HEAD/SHOULDER, WHICH IS SOOOOO ANNOYING, AND HE HAS ONE SKATE ON, I'M THINKING ABOUT SLIDING HIM IN FRONT OF A FRIGGIN' CAR...OR A MOVING BUS, BUT THE BUSSES AREN'T OPERATING RIGHT NOW...AH DANG IT. HE'S READING IT AS I TYPE AND I'M TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING WITTY TO SAY...BUT I CAN'T STAND HIM WHEN HE'S BREATHING ON MY HEAD AND LAUGHING...OKAY, HE WENT AND SLID AWAY. WHEW.

NOW THAT THAT'S OUTTA THE WAY... OKAY NEVER MIND HE'S TRYING TO CREEP BACK HERE, AND READ MY PERSONAL JUNK! ARGH, OKAY, I TOLD ON HIM [GEEZ, I'M 18 AND I STILL HAVE TO RELY ON TATTLE-TELLING]. WENT TO THE LIBRARY TODAY AND GOT SOME CD'S AND A BOOK - I PROLLY WON'T EVEN READ IT BECAUSE I'LL BE BUSY MOVING MY JUNK AND CRAP EVERYWHERE, AND I HAVE TO TACKLE WHAT'S UNDER MY BED [UGH] AND THAT'LL BE FUN, JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE. I JUST REALIZED THAT I FEEL WEIRD SEEING MY OWN FACE, HAHA, AFTER I OPENED SHAN'S JEWELRY BOX AND THERE'S MY FACE BUT SHE SAID SHE PUT IT THERE BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT IT TO GET RUINED, BUT THAT'D SCARE ANYBODY EVERY TIME THEY OPENED IT [MAYBE EXCEPT MARK]. I'LL HAVE TO FINISH THIS LATER. TOO MANY WANDERING EYES, LOL.

2005-01-19T15:35:00.000-08:00

whoa hey, guess what?
I'm at the library, my SECOND driver's test is tomorrow,
since, you know, nobody that's not a genius has passed the test the first time around [since, you know, i'm an idiot], the bank up in portland called me up today and i had to tell her to call me back tomorrow since little 3 year old ethan was yelling in the library, and i couldn't concentrate on what i was doing either; also i got a betta. his name is stanley. ;)

2005-01-09T18:19:00.000-08:00

music: Last Train Home by Lost Prophets/disc 2 "The Fragile" Nine Inch Nails
book: it was "angus, thongs and full-frontal snogging" but now I'm reading some book called...oh what was it called...what crap, I can't remember...ehh. I give.
mood: everything huuuuuurtz!!

Well, I was supposed to go to "church" today, but everything ached too much to go anywhere. Even going to the friggin' loo hurt, and that's something I treasure in my life [not]. I rubbed on this generic Icy-Hot stuff in a tube and now I smell like a friggin' jock. It's better than the horrible pain though, heck ya. Also took some Ibuprofen [again, some generic stuff - we really are very poor/frugal]. Hopefully the roads will be cleared up and we see some sun, and that this crappy pain recedes by Thursday. I'll explain in a minute.

Well [ah crap, even I hate the people who start their sentences with "well"], Julie was telling me about how they're [her work mates - at least the ones who know WBSG [[code name for "weird but sexy guy;" Katie's idea so long ago, and between Shan and I, the code name for him is Number 2 - in otherwords, the guy in which I wish I had, lol.]] . Ah crap, his name is Andrew, okay?!] ANYWAY! She was telling me how the workmates that know SG [Sex God, haha] are telling her how much of a man whore he is. Like, wow! [Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka...] I did NOT know that! [blatant sarcasm]

Like I know he's full of poop. Probably. I mean, before all this business of me turning 18 and being an old maid and all, I always thought of SG as some kind of virgin man whore [now how is that physically possible? I ask you]. Yes, if you think about it hard enough, it IS possible. *sigh*

So anyway, the reason why I'm all sore and stuff [it's not what you think, I swear], is because I had been snowball fighting all day yesterday. 12pm to like, 2? Then again at 4 till 6 or something, then again at 10 to 11:30pm. Yes, HOLY CRAP that's why I'm feeling like ... like I have arthritis every which place. Ngghhhh... and it's a good thing that I took a lot of vitamin C and other multimineral blah blah blahs to keep a potential cold away. Otherwise, I'd have been a miserable idiot when I woke up this morning [not that I'm not already, but even more so I guess]. I talked to Melissa, my older sister in whom I'm going to be living with by next month [yep, moving, uh-huh]. Talked to her last night and then again this morning while everybody else left me at home to go to "church," and we've got some stuff planned, also my friend Roselle will show me around Portland since she lives there and now that she's got her license [again, my driver's test is scheduled for the 13th!! *pulling hair out in a panic*] and a car, she'll show me all the figs and newtons. Whatever the hell that means.

There are so many people I'd have to say goodbye to, not to mention Shan. But it's not like I'm not coming back [of course when I do come back, I ain't staying for long; Medford gives me these negatives vibes all the time that I'm here, or anytime I happen to return from being away for a while]. Julie [brother's gf] wants to go with me and Brooke [SG's sister] somewhere and do something before I live. To that I wave my green flag, because ehh, who knows. Melissa said she'd come down so she'll fix some afritada [Filipino stew-like dish, yum] and uhh, something else, I forgot - oh yeah, egg rolls for Laurie's [this really nice hairy lady] little shindig, the hospitality thing that she's holding at her house which is up in the middle of nowhere. Funness.

Oh yeah! Also reminds me: Katie [as in Toombs, my good bud] wanted to go somewhere "special" before I go *grin* and so I believe we'll do that, now that she and I are 18. Her birthday was about....7 days from mine? I think it was. Hm. Anyway, that still makes me older, hehe. Found out that Ryan Montez [friend/best bud of SG] is part Filipino as well as Japanese and white, lmao. I was like, "Nuh-uh! He was just joking," I was telling Julie, and she really stayed behind that statement. "Yeah, he is too part Filipino." Whatever. But I wouldn't mind if he was anyway. Wouldn't matter; I'd go out with him, haha.

*Ahem*

Wow, I write too much. Get used to it. Mel got a new laptop for me up in Portyland - one way of bribing me to move sooner than I was planning. Whatever. Bigger room, bigger closet, here I come! Although leaving everyone kind of makes me sad, but not too depressed because I know that I'll be back for a visit, so there's no real reason to get depressed. Except there'll be no walking across the street to Shan's house anymore, lol. I'll have pix of my "travels" and doings up soon. Never fear, digital camera's always here. ;o) Yes, I am a dumbo, what're YOU going to do about it???

*moves thighs* OW!

Argh, Marc really packed those snowballs really hard, my sternum hurts too...what a jock.

2005-01-02T20:14:00.000-08:00

listening to: run by snow patrol [i love that song]
reading [mm yes, i do read 'cuz i smart!]: kira-kira by cynthia kadohata
blerb: "it's only a problem if you make it a problem; it's only your problem if you make it worse."

i heard this today, "we all have the same amount of time." i never thought about it like that before. i mean, we all go around saying, "we're running out of time!" or something like that. well. i guess 'they' weren't lying when they said you better use your time wisely. hehe, i know, i know.

went to red lobster yesterday with shanna and the howland clan. YOW - 21 people came? holy crap. i paid for cindi and i, i didn't want to go by myself [you know, someone else with me who isn't a howland? er yea....], and i got the chance to use my mastercard, lol. growing up sux/rox. and andrew...well, about him, you see...

even if i may dream and dream.
dream i dream.
dream i dream.
dream on forever.

that's right, hehe. i dreamt about that guy last night. no, no, nothing nasty like that. ~_^ nasty you!! lol! well, if you've liked someone since 7th grade and now i'm practically moving onto college, well, you get the gist, eh? hopeless. but what am i going to do? i'd rather leave my 'fantasy' of him alone rather than find out what a foolish idiot he actually is. bleh. but i guess i'm just running away from reality.

so screw me, myeh! ;0)

to think i may not see those eyes
makes it so hard not cry
and as we say our long goodbyes
i nearly do

- run by snow patrol

2004-12-30T22:55:00.000-08:00

sorry, had to come back.

realized how utterly STYUUUUUUUPID i just sounded in that last post back there. where did i get all those names for continental coffees??!

aw shoes. (instead of saying chit, i say "shoes" or "chit" or "jews." nothing religiously politically uncorrect there, or nothing personally offensive pertaining to anyone, ya got that? :) )

happynewyearformessingupyetanotherwonderful365thoughit's366onleapyear, woohah. ;)

2004-12-30T22:31:00.000-08:00

wow! of all the things my brother had to do in the past... o gee.

lol not that we should look upon the past, it's over and done with, isn't that what they all say? so true. julie (my brother's gf) told me today while we were having lunner (x-between lunch and dinner) at McDonald's, of all the conquests and stuff my brother's done in the past that he probably didn't know she knew about. how my other brother kissed this one girl while he was...

argh. i shouldn't even be worrying about stuff like that. i should be worried about myself, moving out of the house, up to portland, either that or contributing to the relief fund for the tsunami disaster in indonesia. while so many people claim to preach about how good they are, how kind they could be, well of course in the end it only really ends up in words. air. out from the air, into the lungs and back again. nothing really if you think hard enough about it. sad, too.

what do you add to coffee to make mocha? chocolate.
what do you add to coffee to make amareto? almond extract.
what do you add to viennise? vanilla ice-cream.
what do you add to coffee to make angelico? orange juice.

words. just words. practical nothing.
just gotta add action.

memories

2004-12-29T15:17:00.000-08:00

last night i took a big trip down memory lane.
you've no idea - of all the things that went down last year...

well, part of me had forgotten too. i had to remind myself by reading my journal last night, one that i had typed out about...oh, a year and a half ago. a forever ago. and yeah, not to go into dramatics or anything, but it still hurts. i try to pretend it doesn't, but scars...somtimes they're too deep to be understood by those who don't have them. and i have to remind myself of that also.

lisa, my older sis came down for "mish-mash" as my dad puts it, and we got closer, as sisters are supposed to do. well, it might not be that way for some people, since most didn't go through trials that lis and i faced. i make it sound like we went through hell!! hehe, well, maybe not hell but something a little more tamed, something more subtle. to be honest, i don't think i'm worthy of making it sound like i hurt too, like any other human being on this old, "decrepit" planet. perhaps not, but...i'm going to anyway.

last night i just realized how much i really cared about someone. no, it isn't because i'm being sentimental. well, not for a stupid purpose anyway, but hear me out. i hurt someone, therefore it was reciprocated eagerly back onto me. sometimes i wish we could just...turn off that feeling that makes you care so much, the feeling you get when you care so much it hurts. something short-circuiting inside, and filling you up like a pot of coffee being poured into a cup too small. makes me wonder if we're truly real, you know, one of those thoughts that most people (in my opinion anyway) don't think about. if we're...loving a false god, praying to the air, living out our lives with no because to back us up, a purpose made specifically for us. hmmm. i sound like a movie. crap.

but what i wanted to point out was...sometimes, no matter how stupid, boring, lonely you are, i think there's something that's keeping us earthbound. *sigh* how do i explain something....? meaning there's always something here, or there that will always want you to be around them - something or someone, whether you realize it or not. it's sad that, sometimes, years later people only realize that there was a someone that really cared about them, and most times it's only because they're dying or whatever, you know? or you don't. it's probably right under your nose and you don't even get it. it isn't that complicated but it is.

when someone feeds you these...words that are probably not from the heart but meant for you anyway, you eat it up, your ears hunger for it like some...guy (not to be sexist) feeding you poetry because it supposedly "works every time" (bullshit!). well, it may be true that it, even if a little, works in making us "slaves," persay...but the guy that's feeding you all that bs probably wants to care, if not more, but...well, is probably too afraid of getting hurt. i learned the hard way.

if i can help it, i don't want to leave abandoned hearts and torn bridges in my wake if you get my meaning (because i'm too lazy to explain).

but just think about it. not only should you work on not getting hurt, but also, (or more importantly?) avoid hurting someone else because, in my experience, it hurts a lot more.

2004-10-01T04:10:00.000-07:00

hm, well, I'm at Shanna's house and spending a night - it's in the AM and we saw The Forgotten. That was a pretty good movie - but now I'm going to have reoccuring nightmares of that alien face of QuestAir. Eek. :D jk. I hope not. Saw Andrew's pick-up there in the parking lot. Yeah, we're losers, what can we do?? I have little boys that have crushes on me, really, not full-grown boys. Wait, that was an oxymoron right there, lol. Well, at least not that I know of. :) Submitted some stuff at DA. I'm doing okay I guess.

Take it easy.

-Mia

2004-09-23T23:07:00.000-07:00

Eating: greasy microwavable chicken
Listening to: (so shoot me...) that new song from Good Charlotte (sorry! I just like the tune...)
Reading: The Darkangel by Meredith Ann Pierce

"I've said it before and I'll say it again: our congregation is gay."

Just about the first thing that left my mouth after leaving the meeting. I'm telling you man, they all are. One good guy that I actually liked got kicked out of the whole thing - really disturbing. God, I mean really, I'm getting REALLY tired of all these people who claim to love and serve god, blah blah blah, they may think we don't get their game, oh, but I get their game. I want out.

Julie asked Brooke (Andrew's sister) if he's going out with anyone. She said, with a few weird looks her way, "No...why?? Do you know him?" Julie, with a shaky little answer, "Well, kinda...I'm just wondering." A few more weird looks. "Why??" And reiterate that a couple dozen times and you got the outlines of their conversation.

Final cut: He's not going out with anyone.

Wow. I ... I really shouldn't keep liking him, it's like a curse. It needs to stop. Ah well. Submitted a pic in DA. Bleh. Love stinks. It really does.

weeeeeeee....

2004-09-21T18:36:00.000-07:00

driving is fun! lol drove mom around - drove her to the foot doctor. 2 more months, 2 more months...! till i'm 18 that is :D then i can get my license and drive people up the wall as much as i want! lol

went to the bear creek employment center - drove there, lol, and took the second screening test. jeesh, i was the youngest one there! scary. october 5th i have the phone interview then training sessions. hopefully i'll be able to get the job now! teehee.

must read:
are you afraid of the dark?
by sydney sheldon

went to ashland and drove there too. got some stuff. oh...went to hospitality with brooke, robin, amanda, shan, and some other ppl from the congregation. brooke's dad, dave had a talk there on sunday. went to see sky captain and the world of tomorrow - cheeseness! but otherwise it was good - jude law and all you know. katie's a beeyatch. okay, i think i'm done talking like a conventional teenager, haha!

2004-09-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

Date: Sep 17 04

Tick-tock: 03:09pm

Music: my mix

Reading: Alice 19th vol. 4

Blerb: One person's junk is another person's junk.

To Boldly Go Where Every Guy Wants To Go: Some Random Bathroom Reading

I was just thinking about how I used to be about two years ago; I was really flat-out shallow. And to think that I'm not all that great to look at either. No, I'm not trying out for the self-pity cruise . . . just taking up an observation. How cruel and foolish most people are out there without even realising it themselves. Even I catch myself at times being an ignorant indifferent little brat.

And for those guys out there who "like Asian chicks with big boobs, long hair, sexy legs and wide eyes," go fuck yourself. Sure they're VERY pretty to look at, envious material, but PUH-LEASE. Even I'd stay the same even if I were under that description. It's so sad that it's so very hard to find guys that aren't always interested in one thing and in one thing only: tearing off your clothes and hammering into you like a friggin' jack hammer on a summer day. *cracks up at description* If only there were pure-as-the-driven-snow guys left out there...mind and body. Sad. Really makes me depressed! Even if the girl players out there who seemingly don't care about this sort of thing while they're sleeping around, I'm sure that someday they'd like to settle down with a decent guy, one that will tell them all they want to hear and simply because they mean it. Love and all its impulses. Gah.

Now with the guy that I've liked for close to 6 years. Yep. I've liked him since 7th grade. First time I saw him was in a hallway. Then in a cafeteria playing the drums. Wow. I haven't had a moment like that since ... well one, recently, but that didn't last. The whole "love at first sight." Now you can't call that "lust at first sight" because back when I was in 7th grade, sex was something of a foreign taboo to me, something I'd never speak of out loud. You get the gist. I was an innocent little Asian girl from another country, who had damn good grades that I'd kill to get back, and a boring plaintitive appearance that I'd surely discard in a second. One thing I could say though was that raspberry eyeliner was my best friend.

I absolutely don't know the personality outlines of this person who I've grown to like in these 5 close to 6 years. I'd sure like to. I'm just too...scared...? Who knows. He himself has said hi to me before at this person's wedding...that wasn't much and it was also because he thought I was saying hi to him which in fact I wasn't, but to his friend next to him, so I was quite unaware and I just dumbly walked away (on cloud 9, haha). Wow. Youth gone amok. Seriously. Who's to judge what love is and what it feels like? Only God, I can assure you. Everybody has their own definition on exactly what real love is, don't they? Even if it is sharing a beer in front of the boob-tube on your 3rd month anniversary, or sharing a lawn swing watching the sunset on your 60th year of marriage.

What am I thinking. Nobody would be sharing a beer, they'd have one for themselves! hehe Silly me!

We are all so imperfect, and these imperfections we sometimes have the habit of hiding from others, even if we know that we all share these sufferings. We just try to create a better world in a world so tainted and sad. Sure there are good things but I'm sure if a T-chart was made, the bad side would be a lot longer in the long run.

"I love therefore I am." *exasperated sigh* REALLY. hmph. I like this one better, "I itch therefore I am." So true. Gah.

Went to an auction yesterday - before then I saw Sean at a White City skate park. Burns park, yea, that's what it was called. I think he was with this girl and this guy. Eh. Got a desk, and a rack full of this teenagers stuff he/she got rid of. Bob Marley picture book, mushroom book, How To Grow Marijuana book, and all that other stuff. Funny.

2004-09-03T14:37:00.000-07:00

sept. 3rd, 04.
friday.
2.38pm
music: yellow by coldplay.
mood: eh.
objective: ghost story.

+++

there it was again; he'd caught a glimpse a couple times before. even then he'd always forgotten his camera, or the batteries went dead just as he switched it on. contemplating on the 35mm, he took a few more quiet steps. the light from some far off subject illuminating the surrounding forest, smoke masking his vision, making everything look surreal.

he strained his eyes to work; if he sat there long enough perhaps he could capture it - then finally his friend derek would believe him. either that or think he had some skill with photoshop.

a flash of that bright green again, the long raven hair. it was a woman, that much he could perceive. he would get a picture, even if it had to kill him. this was the second year this had happened. camera malfunction #168.

moving onto #169.

+++

three months later . . .

the young man never caught the image, but he had the chance to meet with the mysterious woman of the forest. she wasn't exactly like any woman he had ever met before. beautiful, intelligent, soft-spoken yet hard-edged. a fire burned in her eyes where it didn't belong, for she was blind, her vision lost to a sickness years before. she never allowed any of his friends to meet her, but he never really cared. her company was all that mattered. every time before he would plan to meet her, his camera would somehow be missing. he explained his disappointment after four times of meeting with her deep in the heart of the forest, and she told him the best images were kept within the mind, where one would never forget if it was worth remembering.

still he persisted; it was his nature to capture such beauty, he kept saying. it would only make him happy to look into the camera and knowing it was her on the other side. to appease the young man, she made him promise if she let him capture any image of her, it would only be one part of her body at a time, and each image would have to be given to her in the end. he complied, but not without stretching the rules. first it was one eye, then the other, then her lips, her hands, a silken shoulder. he would duplicate the film and kept it hidden away. the developed copies he would deliver to her.

one night she let him capture her whole face, a face encompassing great sadness, and yet he could not figure out why. when the parted that night, all she said was a broken goodbye.

he could not sleep at all afterward, and in the morning, just to make his heart lighter, he developed the film he had hidden. under the darkness of the darkroom, he was shocked to discover the film all blank - not blank but they did not possess any hint of the woman in the forest, only endless trees that lay away behind her.

he came to discover why her goodbye was so broken. he never forgot the face that held so much emotion. even without a single photograph afterward did he forget that the only way to capture something so worth capturing

was only best captured

in the heart.

2004-08-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

DATE: AUGUST 30TH 2004
TIME: 9:43PM
DAY: MONDAY
MUSIC: PORCELAIN BY MOBY
READING: MANHATTAN HUNT CLUB BY JOHN SAUL
BLERB: "BECAUSE I DON'T LIVE FOREVER, THAT'S WHY!"

Whoo, I'm so sore from yesterday, the little excursion into the difficult part of the caving of APE CAVE, near MT. ST. HELENS, WASHINGTON. Pretty darn fun though, but my sister got a little scratched up. And for those who don't know, I have psoriasis, so almost every time I get overly stressed it starts to flare up. It's pretty annoying, I tell you what, lol. Ah, but I stay active. Get some sun, take my turmeric. Bleh. Yay for turning 18 *waves flag pathetically* Hope it goes away, at least goes into remission! Wah! Anyway, I got Adobe Photoshop 7.0 and Adobe Elements last night. I ain't gonna tell you how hehehehe ;) Just that it's illegal here in the US, not in Canada though, according to Dave. Hm.

Took some pictures today. If you want to see pictures from Aimee and Joseph's wedding, also the hike in APE CAVE, go to pictures. I added them today.

I'm trying to do a different style as of late in photographer/photomanipulation. Who knows, I might get good, but then again I might stay in the same level of performance. That'd really bum me out. I am so jealous of *nuozek from DeviantArt. We're like the same age and he's already so much better than me! Same amount of experience - well, kind of. I've been using a not so pro cam until I recently "upgraded" from amateur to amateuristic pro-wannabe, lol! Oh, and saw Hero! That was a really awesome movie, managed to make me a little sad at the end, the story between Flying Snow and Broken Sword and the ending. Ah, Nameless, that's what his name was, lmao. *tsheva from DeviantArt also bought me a 3 month subscription to DA! I could hardly believe it myself - she's so generous, I hope no one takes advantage of her :D She sounds like a pretty strong willed woman. I don't think she ever would. Girl powah! Huwah! lol Okie, I'm outie. Peace.

stuffed...

2004-08-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

The title says all! if you can even see it, that is... well, it says stuffed. lol

August 25th, 2004. Dunno why it won't show the date, I've tried numerous times to change it, but then again, it makes me less lazy than I already am. Go figure. It's 9:28. Well, here, let me put it down this way, this is how I'll be putting down the 411 from now on:

Music: Farewell by Yoyo Ma [sorry, I can't get it out of my head, I've been obsessed with Chinese history for quite a while since Lost In Translation by Nicole Mones and the upcoming HERO movie]
Mood: STF! lol my cellphone won't stop ringing...
Book: besides porn [kidding, eckh] um this book something..Manhunt...I can't remember, gah! by John Saul lol
Movie: Hero! This Friday, I hope hehe.
Date: 8:25:04

Ah, there we go. Okidoke! Well, it rained again incessantly throughout the day; I made some Zuppa Toscana and walked to the local supermarket and got some lotion - I swear they're charging way too high on some of those products, bah. GoldBond ultimate therapy lotion is what I got. It better work, haha. Well, it's not like I'm chafing or anything weird. So anyway, we went to the Old Spaghetti Factory for dinner - too bad for me, I didn't even know we were going there, so I ate two cups of soup before we left so I settled on ordering Mud Pie, mmm!! It was soooo delicious, I ate the whole thing, of course not without offering some bites to Jeff and Melissa, duh. Had half a loaf of bread - their butter's exquisite lol - and two Italian strawberry sodas and we got to keep the two "keepsake" glasses that went with them with the Italian flag repetitively stamped around the rim. Yes. I eat that much on a daily basis, shut up lol.

Mel's trying to decide to go ahead with her job's offer on a promotion, meaning heading into a different department but on the same building. She'd have to leave her friends behind, aww! lol Jan is a nut, but she's hilarious and she lets us borrow DVDs from her insane collection that would make Hollywood videos make a run for their money, and the thing is its for free. Friend Discount, buwahahha! lol Scott is also funny. Yeah anyway...trying to set up an account in Photobucket.com so I can upload some daily pictures I take onto here. Okay dudes, see ya late. Can't wait to see that movie Hero! Gah!

a splice

2004-08-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Just a doodle-scribble-doo.
Music for the story: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - Farewell by Yoyo Ma
--
Tumultous rain would not stop falling. A healing salve on the desolate mixture of sand, dirt and forest. A green levity accentuating nature, life. Each breath taken was something that could not be returned.

He knew precisely the time in which she had awoken. He did not immediately turn to her, away from the window to her small innocent face which stood the test of immorality. She looked no older than a young woman - a girl child, yet her eyes told a different story. A marred soul was what she carried, for that he was too sure of. No girl child carried a blade so heavy as hers. A man's sword.

Girl child made not a sound. He felt her eyes staring, studying, brooding and hard on the back of his head. She must be wondering where her blade is. He had discovered her in one of the pit traps he himself set for any intruders two moons before and now he had brought her in his home. Slowly he pivoted on his heels like his father always used to do, and did not meet her eyes as he made his way nearer to her. From the corner of his eye he could see her body tense, as taut as a drawn bow string. One wrong move and she would have his head. Gently he pressed both fingers of his hands and lifted the bamboo-green teacup from the rickety table nearby, made his way closer before he set himself on his knees.

It was then that he met her eyes as he offered the steaming drink and he carefully studied every plane and line and curve of her face, her clenched knuckles white against the brown winter blanket. Black hair in disarray, deepest of brown eyes searching, looking for anything hidden, a conceiled blade. He did not need one for he no longer took to fighting . . . for there was nothing left to fight for. Her delicate eyebrows slackened from their frown only slightly, her cracked lips parted. The movement was so quick it almost startled him as her hands came to intercept his; suddenly the cup was gone and it was now in her hands, and she drank hungrily as though she had been deprived a fortnight. She did not take her eyes away from him, nor did he make any effort to move away but only to offer more tea from the kettle he had on the floor. She made him fill it three . . . four times before she had her fill, still her eyes full of awareness. Something in those eyes made him yearn for something foreign.

Immorality. That's what it was. Her almond-shaped eyes kept watching him as she slowly drank the lukewarm liquid with one hand. He barely flinched when he felt her fingers brush against his. He looked to her for guidance, something, something.

"Wo bu deng, wo bu zai deng," she whispered.

I am waiting, but then again I'm not.
--

Pffffft

2004-08-23T23:58:00.000-07:00

I got a studded belt.

. . .

No, I'm not trying to prove anything, per say, it's just that some slut (and no, I don't divulge titles loosely, it's just that that's what the girl was, a loose slut) stole my studded belt. I've missed that belt since. Now I just went into Vans store today and got one - had to exchange it since one belt I got, the other one with black studs, its loop gave way and the store clerk said that happened all the time. Yeah, well, I still want my belt. Grr. So I got it, hehe. Went with Mel also to Target and got a charger and rechargeable NiMH Energizer batteries for $26.99. What else...um, looked up Shan's vintage cameras...and a friend just got a new camera! Lucky him, meh lol so yeah going back down to Meddy in a week :( Not without going to Washington first, Ape Cave! Near Mount St. Helens. Talking to Jeff about it.

K, I'm exhausted from sitting on my ass :D Bye.

Raindrops keep falling on my head...

2004-08-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

So. Sunday morning. 5:25 A.M. my cellphone alarm goes off. I roll over and punch the shut-up button before it gets another chance to make that godawful noise that sounds like a car-alarm dying. Splashing water on my face in the bathroom, I pull my green hood over my head and ninja-stalked toward Mel's and Jeff's bedroom, and I gently shake awake Mel, and that's all I needed to do, then I slowly made my way downstairs in the pitch darkness, waited on the couch and tried my best to de-fog my head of sleep, clutching my permit and cellphone in both hands.

About 10 minutes later I'm at the Michael's parking lot, in the driver's seat, Mel in the passenger next to me as I stare out the dark rain-streaked window, hearing the soft throbbing of drops on the roof, one of Usher's song humming from the radio. "Geh." I rubbed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I look like I'm in jogging clothes."

"You wanna go jogging?" Melissa sarcastically remarked from her seat. I gave her a deadpanned look and released the emergency brake, stepped on the clutch with my left foot, the brake with my right foot and shifted from neutral to first, then checked my windows, adjusted the windshield-wipers to the max. Might as well get it over with. Once the clutch engaged, revved up to about 3 rpm, clutch-in, shifted to second, then to third, and we were outta there.

For about 20 minutes I practiced driving in the black Honda Acura, then I handed the honor back over to my sis, the headed for home. The sky was lightening moment by moment, and sis suggested we have pancake breakfast. It was too early in the morn in the summer for me, so that's why the name of the place seemed to have slipped my mind. "Wow, this is great."

Mel looked over at me as the waiter set down a cup of steaming hot coffee in front of me, then went away. "What?"

"It's great to be among my fellow citizens totally make-up less."

She only gave me a look that was half amusement, half ignorant as she perused the menu. MM, cinnama-sation!! LOL

...

So at around 12 to 1:00pm, there was a party that went on at the house, which was only supposed to be a 'lunch.' Yeah, a lunch that went on till about 5 in the evening. Peter, one of Mel's obnoxious but amusing friends, promised that if I remind him often enough, he'll get me a CD of Adobe Photoshop 7 if I so pleased. Free of charge hehe. Now our fridge is stuffed, just as I will be until it becomes unstuffed. Submitted some new stuff into DeviantArt. Next week we're planning to go to Mt. St. Helens.

Non-Potato

2004-08-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly enough, I got earlier this morning! Yay. *waves pathetic lil' white flag* Eh, it's 9:37. Well, it used to be anyway, now it's 57 after...now 58...

I got up off my lazy bum and started doing something. Photography. Not that I haven't been doing that for like, two years now but since I got the Finepix s5000, everything has started to look a little clearer. :D And I ain't kidding. So yesterday when Jeff came home, he picked me up and took me to Olive Garden where Melissa was waiting. So we had dinner there (I had Shrimp and Crab Ravioli, two bowls of Zuppa Toscana, 3 breadsticks - count'em, um...oh, and some calamari. And a coke.) So you could say I was pretty stuffed. I gained 5 lbs the whole summer I was up here, but Shan only says I filled out a little more and look more healthy. Eh. I've been doing Tae-Bo with Billy Blanks (?!), hehe, and building up muscle. Yay.

So we went grocery shopping after that, Jeff and I after dinner since Mel wasn't feeling up to the weather. That was okay, except every Mexican I pass they always keep staring at me. I knew I shouldn't have worn those jeans, jeez. It's really starting to annoy me, they really should keep their bloody eyes to themselves.

Talked for a little while with Shan on messenger, as well as Aimee who got her license revoked. Ouchie. Anyhoo, will post more pictures up soon. L8r.

PS: Might go to Mt. St. Helens next weekend - Jeff's idea, since it'd be my last weekend up here *sniffles*. Depends whether or not we have this little party thing here since my sis is ultimately named Partylite Queen. Aw man.

...because there are haters in this world...

2004-08-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

Yep. That's one of the reasons why I had to delete my old blog for this one. Cripes. Because one of the girls from our "church" managed to get a hold of it and its "above PG-13 references" and all kinds of weird crap like that. Eh. An awesome avatar of someone making-out shouldn't make you angry just because it is not YOU in the avatar, nor have been doing anything like the people IN the avatar. Losers.

So. This is the first official christening of LiquidHelium. My so-called "journey" of my turning 18 [for those who were born under a dark silhouette of a skirt from the '50s, it's on November 30.] Woohoo, yay for Guns&Roses [November Rain??]! You'll know more about me and my cantankerous little attitude and my less-than-average-but-uneventful-anyway piss-poor excuse for a life. No, I'm not angsty...only when necessary. Define necessary?? No! Go get a dictionary, for Christ's sake.

Oh, and I'm totally untalented, if that's what you want to call it.